You've been prevented from your growth! You need to connect with someone who is more like you! Frank has been stuck in his depression and drinking too long at night, you need to be free from that (as opposed to helping him, you can't make someone be happy, they have to do it them self)
You met a guy who is sensitive, and 'connected to spirit'. Well, he doesn't have a real job and he's not an A type real man but he's so good for you.. You deserve (I like the 'deserve' type of comment) to be HAPPY.
The "I DESERVE to be happy" line is very familiar to me. I've also heard, "I didn't value myself enough to realize I settled for a poor relationship." Also, "I deserve more love."
I think there's this immense narcissitic sense of entitlement here. Not that there isn't a grain of truth in these statements, but you can hear in them this clear sense that they are so in love with themselves that they are clearly the center of their own universe.
I hear alot about what people say they DESERVE, but not much about what they are grateful for.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed with love or God's goodness my instinct is to say, "I don't deserve this" or "Thank you"
I think there's a different between having self-respect and healthy boundaries vs. being so self-absorbed and narcissitic. There's also a difference between having honest humility and gratitude vs. self-loathing.
I am grateful for my 2 daughters and for all the fun times my W and I and they had together. Because the fun times did outweigh the down times. While I wish I had a better relationship with my wife, now that I understand my needs and what a partner really is, I don't regret having her because she did love me as best she could.
I know what needs to happen to make a relationship work long term and for it to survive the up times and the down times. And how it can change in a short period of time.
My W is at the massage training / retreat right now. A year ago she was there and called me every day telling me how she shared with everyone how I was her 'rock' and she loved me so. This was when I was in my depression. 3 months later she needs a divorce.
Life changes. everyone deals with pressure, stress, hurt in their own way. In their own time.
This is my time to be me, be alone. I'm dad 100% of the time for a week while W is away. It's relaxing to know I won't see her or talk to her and it helps my detachment.
Sometimes I still think we'll stay married and reconcile. Not very often and more often than not I actually do not want that to happen. I don't trust any more.
However, my life has so much potential to be a good one that I am crazy not to feel good about it.
I would like to make a comment about your wife loving you the best as she could. I disagree. I believe that we can all love each other as spouses, friends, neighbors, parents, a whole lot better. I don't think we even scratch the surface as to the love we are able to express. Just my opinion.
No, you aren't crazy. IMO
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
frank...throughout my career as a physician, I have always admired those couples that come in that have had longstanding marriages...30..40...50 years. I go out of my why to ask each and every couple 'how long have you two been married?' and then, cap that off with asking them with a smile "what was your secret?"
The responses you get are ofttimes hilarious. One of my favorite lines came from a husband:
Quote:
Why are we married so long? Easy. I BEAT HER everday.
I beat her to the dishes...beat her to making the bed, beat her to the vacuuming.....
One woman recently came in, pondering what to get her H as a gift for their 50th wedding anniversary. She went on to tell me that she was contacting the regional newspaper and that they had accepted her story for print on an upcoming article on some longterm happily married couples. Well, having been here for a bit and growing more as man, I said to her, "why don't you just frame the article and give it to him? I think any man would find that public proclamation the greatest gift in the world."
Wouldn't it though Frank? Wouldn't it?
Is there any man here on your thread that would need anything more than that?
So, Frank, after all these years, I think I have the answer to my own 'prospective trial'. And it won't blow any of you away. What I think...the key is...to....a happy marriage is pretty simple.
It's not being a hero.
It has nothing to do with wimpiness.
It's not who does the dishes.
It's not six pack abs or sporting size D brassiere cups....or a heart-shaped ass or 9 inch shlong (well.....)
It's simply.....a sense of humor and mutual RESPECT.
You deserve that frank.
Strength and honor.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I saw my counselor the other day. It was a good meeting. She reminded me that I am an Intuitive, but I've been out of touch with that side of myself for a long time. Withdrawn from the world and as she said "The world has had to get along without Frank for too long".
I told her about how W was at the retreat last year and called me, telling me she told everyone I was her 'rock'. Counselor said "You still are"
I'm trying not to be. Giving her a lot more reality checks. Showing her that she IS losing Frank.
We talked about how I've been stuck playing a role for so long, mostly because W inadvertently pushed my abandonment button 10 years ago right at the time when I needed her the most. So, I've been in the "I'm not good enough" position all this time because of her weak responses to my need. She didn't MAKE me be this way, I was programmed from childhood.
And, I couldn't see it because it's a pretty strong program.
So, us splitting up was probably the best thing for me because it has forced me to address those demons, and put them to rest.
I still have the sadness, hurt and abandonment feelings but I can look at her and say that this is who she is, someone who has the potential to be a grounded, real partner. To be strong.
But, I don't thing she has the ability to grow in that direction. When I talk to her Dad or her Brother I see so much of her mother in her.
The other thing is that the house she is staying in with her friend is really dysfunctional. They are both into the "I'm a spiritual guru" mentality and they feed off each other. Both of my daughters won't go there because they don't like her friends.
My daughters are more like me than their mom. Neither of them have identity issues. They know who they are.
Just like I know who I am. Intuitive, logical, loving man. The Rock. For my girls.
My intuition seems to keep telling me that W is distancing herself from me but she is still reacting to my changes in how I talk to her. If I'm distancing she starts to get angry. If I'm polite she gets friendly.
If she continues down her current path in her business, she's going to be pretty bad off in a couple months. I on the other hand am turning everything around slowly. The girls are happy and well adjusted in my home. They don't really care that mush about seeing her at all. Mostly because they're teenagers.
I'm looking forward, not back. Eventually I'll get to the place where I'm financially able to pay for mediation and get divorced. When that happens I'll know I'm sure I want to let her go. She may surprise me and realize what she's losing. I'm not counting on it.
Today I spent some time thinking about all the hurt I've been through the past ten years. It all started with the events that caused me to crash, but it was sustained by the periodic injection of instability in my marriage by my W.
I found myself stuck in low self esteem, and going through cycles where she would bail or withdraw and I'd have to put what little energy I had into fixing things. Things would be 'good' for a while but I'd still find myself slowly deteriorating and feeling alone. How do you feel alone in a marriage with someone who loves you?
I realized it was because I felt like I was the only one making decisions. The only one working hard even though I hurt every day.
My W talks about how much she's been hurt the past ten years. But you know, she hasn't had to endure the pain of rejection, of having your family broken apart 3 times, of being told that your spouse has found their soulmate. Or that they just can't be married to you.
And our kids have had to endure the breakup pain also.
This week one of my goals is to clean up the yard. I've let it fall apart. The pool is dirty and the grass is dying because the sprinklers have been broken a while.
I just didn't care.
I need to care because the girls see this and even thought it doesn't affect their day to day life, it's the message that 'Dad doesn't care' that I have to change.
I do care, and life without W isn't unbearable. Just getting through the sadness is taking time.
Frank you are doing so much emotional work on yourself. I notice changes and growth each time I read one of your posts. It is like watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon. Slowly but surely in natures own good time you will emerge from the other side of this a stronger, more self aware person and more confident person.
It’s a good sign, that you are starting to feel motivated to take care of your yard. Good that you are noticing things and feeling a need to fix them up again. You may be surprised at how much more in control and healthier you feel as you get to grips with cleaning up your home.
Take care Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
