T2L, Thanks for your reply. I understand everything you are saying. H left 4mo ago. I broke and as a result I made some serious DB NO NOs including the letter I referred to in last post. I quickly found out my behavior was pushing H away further. With every "why?" or "please" or "ILY" he stood more steadfast in his choices. H was right in one thing by saying I had to let him go. So although, deep down, I really didnt want to, I looked him straight in the eye and said I wanted to leave the past behind and move on....... without him. Sincethen I have gobbled up every piece of literature I could find (including DR) and renewed my relationship with God. I humbly asked his forgiveness for my waning faith and decided right then I had to work on my relationship with him before I could get anywhere in my relationship with H. I had to let H go and hold onto God instead.
I have been trying hard to apply Christian and DR principles. I have found a wonderful church for me and my children. And I make it a point every evening at dinner to sit together - and make time for prayer. H idea of family time seemed to be involvement in the kids many extracurricular activities. H coaches S11 baseball team for 4 years now. He has also taken on additional responsibilites for the league including executive officer and treasurer - all just this recent season. Although I was proud of his involvement with the kids and our community - he is excellent with the ball players as a coach, and is well liked (and I told him so more than once). Just before he dropped the bomb on me I expressed how much I missed him. Then not long after that came his confession of an A with another mom whose son plays ball for H. I considered her a friend, we had lots of fun at the games and even outside of baseball. We even graduated high school together. But she was in an unhappy relationship herself - 17yr with a heavy drinker who was verbally abusive and controlling. Ironicly my H is also a big drinker, but he has always been a responsible , hardworking family man and never raised his voice or hands toward me. I think OW was just waiting for her chance at him probably for quite some time - and she seized the opportunity.
I continued to attend games for the remainder of season with OW there. As hard as it was, I was upbeat, mingled with other families and watched my S do what he loves most - playing ball. OW was NOT going to deter me from that. Ive been seeing a personal trainer and I plan to join a recreational volleyball team and start some kickboxing as soon as my trainer approves it (I need to gain muscle and weight back before doing too much cardio). H and I have very little conversation or contact, but when we do, I do make it a point most of the time not to be overly available. As I explained in past posts, I am very passive and indecisive in nature, so my big 180 is to learn assertiveness. I am doing assertiveness training with T. I have had a few opportunities to use these skills on my H, which left him speechless. Im not sure yet if it really is working or if it is just pi%#ing him off. But assertiveness to me is very much like tough love - it must be done. Yet, I need to find the balance between that tough love and meeting those emotional needs of his at the same time. I am on my way out to see Fireproof, then I will stop at bookstore and look for the book you are recommending. Again, thank you for your support. May God keep us strong and steadfast.
