So H showed up unexpectedly, and I cut out of the post without finishing. Thought I closedout the window. But just came down and it was still here, so I hope H didn't read it!
Nothing I can do about it now...picking up where i left off...
5)H finds a confidante. By now it is Spring 2007. Some months have passed since Gma died, the farm is in the midst of being sold, he is in the midst of blaming me for everything. H has apparently found someone at work who is going through a struggle in her marriage. She is fun and outgoing, I liked her the minute I first met her b/c she reminded me of the original version of me, before 8 moves and 2 kids...She is probably around 26, 5 years younger than me.
They go to lunch together, commiserate about work, about their marriages--I don't know this at the time but find out later. He tells her his pain about losing the farm, she is of course understanding and supportive of his every move. Of course, her life and money are not involved so it is easy to be supportive. The more H is w/her, the more I think he has to remind himself of "all the pain/misery" I have caused him, so he continues to think about all the "What if's " his life would have without me...Makes it easier to enjoy someone who is no pressure, no duty, no conflict, etc...One night when they are out with a group from work, they both seem to stay later than everyone else, it just sort of "happened", he walker her to her car, they kissed, etc. etc.
Now I am in the fight of my life for my marriage, but my silent competition is H's brain. He is still hung up on what "I" did to his life, even though he knows in some ways it is not rational. I mentioned yesterday that at Retro they teach forgiveness is a choice. H responded, "But I CAN'T"..........
