Trying2Live-New Post #2

[Trying2live]

Jgrind, Ok can you you get the book? It called Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley? The questionnaire is in the back of of the book.
But
But I remeind everyone that I have read 3 books and have implemented different parts of each book into my life. Like DB I implemented GAL and 180. I think for you these 2 things are going to be powerful. My suggestion to you is to really GAL and 180 for sure. It sounds as if the talk and letters are not going to be a route for you. It wasn't for me either. Withing 3 weeks of my discovery I had already found books and began inhaling them. I learned right away to stop the chase- which I think DB has in it as well. This brought massive confusion to H to when at about 1 month he said well if you want me back so bad why aren't you begging me. Everything I have read so far seems to suggest stop the chase and talks. So I did and real hard. We even completely cut him off abt 2 months in(even my kids did, but they are older so it doesn't apply to lil kids). We did this mostly because of the angry craziness to protect ourselves really. Then the kids started visits with him after abt a month of that, but during the visits I was in my room, unavailable or not here(I have a 17 year old). A few times I cam out as he left super dressed up and ready to go somewhere. He was particularly bothered that visit with the kids. Then we cut him off again because he was being an a** in August. so yes everyone see's the progress but you I want everyone to remember I had to get to a serious place of stopping the chase. I have had almost no contact with him for 5 1/2 months, or very little should I say maybe 3 emails a month. I think stopping the chase is in DB book as well.
It sounds like your H is going to need to see changes(and I am in no way endorsing what he did, because it doesn't matter if you weren't perfect). But I had a few coaching sessions with Jody from DB and the 1st thing she recommend is very little or hardly no communication at all to reduce all negative emotions.
Jgrind, my suggestions is for you to concentrate on you right now. Implement your 180 and GAL(H needs to see a different you). The GAL is very important and I think its a natural tendency for us to skip it because we think it's for us and we want them. But the H's need to physically see us GAL. IT reverses in their minds. They begin to think well why is she GAL, is she going to live with out me? I'm sure my H thought why is she taking salsa lessons? How can she be doing that at a time like this?
Then I tried to 180 things I could see really easy. Then I 180 with the marital techniques in the Surviving An Affair book and then I 180 on anything I heard him complain about.
I had to get to the place of not being afraid of if he will come back or not to be able to stop the chase. I firmly believe that chasing, either by talking about the relationship, laying guilt by lack of fatherly duties, being clingy, wanting to talk to much just pushes them away. So I stopped all of it. I stopped saying I love you with in 2 weeks because of another book i read.
The things they think when we say I love you is funny but makes so much sense.
My personal opinion and its just an opinion, is GAL hard go find something kinda fun and unexpected by your H that you've always wanted to try ex. ballroom dancing or something.
Do a 180 and fast. If you've been chasing then stop. Do fix all the things he complained about and is complaining about now too.
Pull your self back from him just a bit to reduce negative emotions. If you see him in passing during visits be cheerful friendly confident and unavailable.
The book I recommended say's these affairs usually die a natural death. It may take some time and it really depends if we last or decided enough is enough.

Do those things and go get the book.

Ok so i've blabbed my head off, gonna go to a football game with my son will, then to a salsa lesson, but will be back in the late evening pacific time so if I can give you any other info I know about ask away, it's the least I can do.

I want to also try tonight to give you guys that list of things I declared and prayed over my H that I believed was helpful.