Here is how it is my fault SHE bought the farm (through h's eyes), and flows into the A and how we got here:
1)H's grandmother died 12/06. It was totally unexpected. She had a heart attack while in the hospital. H had taken the day off, and invited his dad to go with him to a cattle sale taht was an hour away from the hospital. So, H and his dad (it was his dad's mom who died) were en route from the sale when she died and were not there when it happened. (I THINK A BIG GUILT FACTOR FOR H, HE INVITED HIS DAD TO THE SALE AND THEN HIS DAD WASN'T THERE WHEN G-MA DIED)
2)H's parents struggle with H's aunt/uncle over the farm. H's parents have lived on the family farm their entire married lives (40+ yrs). They didn't even own their original home where H grew up, they rented it AND the land from the grandparents. When H's grandpa died in 1999, H's parents moved to the grandparent's house a year later and grandma moved to town, since she couldn't drive it was easier for her. H's parents did get grandma to sell them the grandparents' house, and some acres around it, so they would for sure not lose that when grandma died.
When g-ma died, the sister and brother of H's dad wanted their $$. Neither had spend a day working on the farm since they left home after high school, and didn't care a bit about the farm. They wanted their money at market value, what the real estate developers would give them for a nice rural piece of land to stick a bunch of 1 acre lots on...There were a few ugly months where H thought they may lose everything but the house and few acres....H cut off his aunt and uncle and hasn't spoken to them since.
I became a bad buy b/c I was honest and said as much as it sucked, I didn't think they could do much legally, that the other two siblings were entitled to their share of the inheritance. (OF COURSE in hindsight this was a betrayal to H even if it were true) Ultimately Dan stepped into the negotiations between his parents and aunt/uncle, which made him feel frustrated at his dad that he couldn't stick up for the farm on his own. They sold off some side properties, cashed in some stocks, and minimized how much farm they had to sell off.
3)H's parents agree to sell the smaller farm. A few months after this, they were still needing to get more $$ to aunt/uncle. Jenny (friend) had been renting the old house where H grew up for about 4 years. She was using the garden, had chickens, etc. When they put the farm site up naturally she wanted it. Dan wanted it to. She was 39, with no husband or kids, and a lifetime of savings. H had 2 kids, a $1700/mo mortgage, a cattle business, etc. I didn't see how we could extend our credit anymore to get a farm that would be over $100K easily. Even if his parents were "easy" on us. Dan took that as the ultimate betrayal. I eventually backpedaled and said he should look into whether we could get the loan, but he said no. I had earlier said if he wanted to buy it, he could quit the job in K.C. and we could move back home, I could teach in town like i am now and he could find a job in Omaha, which he is doing now. At that point he didn't want to leave, give up the high-paying job he had and possibly leave OW, don't know if she was in the picture yet or not. But to me this is the pivot point in our M, when H's parent's sold his dream out from under him. And I was the one who doubted we could have made it work...
4)H starts (without my knowing it) reviewing how being w/me led him to this crappy point of his life. At this point H is sliding into depression/MidLifeCrisis because he had always been working to "get back to the farm", in his mind. Now the part of the farm he wanted to own was gone. There were other parts left, but not the part he built his dreams around. He thought back to how he got there. That is where I come in. *If he hadn't had to drive so far to see me in college, he could have done better at Livestock Judging *If he had done better at Livestock Judging, he could have gotten a better offer into grad school, to become a Professor/Livestock Judging Coach, or a Large Animal Vet *If he hadn't proposed to me, he could have gone to grad school/vet school instead of HAVING (in his head) to go and get a real job to provide for us. (Obv. I would have done the "poor marrieds" thing to get through grad school but that is irrelevant, he sees it how HE sees it)
H concludes that his life/goals started to unravel when he became involved with me.
5)H finds a confidante. By now it is Spring 20067. Some months have passed since Gma died, the farm is in the midst of being sold, he is in the midst of blaming me for everything.
