He has told me that he has a real, intense need for sleep. That he is "off" if he does not get his rest. I used to bristle at that b/c in the past he had no problem staying out all hours w/ow when he had to work the next day. But one day a couple months ago, he said that it had been wrong to do that w/ow and he knew that now...
Anyway, he complains that he goes to bed, then I go wash my face, brush my teeth, etc. and don't go to bed until 30 minutes after him. I kiss him goodnight or whatever and it 'wakes him up' and then he can't sleep the rest of the night.......
His specific complaints yesterday were that 1)I bother him when he is trying to sleep: He said he was late to work 3 morning this week and implied it was b/c I somehow caused him to toss and turn and finally sleep hard when he was supposed to be waking up. I am thinking personal accountability comes in to play, he needs to be responsible for getting to work on time, not me. However, I can choose to hug/kiss him when he gets up to go to bed, not when I get to bed. Or I can choose to get ready for bed as soon as I put the kids to bed, so that when he goes to bed, if I want to go with him, I am ready.
2)I resent his working on the farm/cows: We have a lot of history on this one. I have been non-supportive, judgemental, critical, etc. I had a wakeup call last January and since then I have been supportive on the financial side of things, trusting him to make those decisions/judgements. And there have been MANY times since he moved back home where he said he needed to farm, and I encouraged him to go, even if just for a couple of hours after work. And (I mentioned it on here before) he HAS been appreciative of that, and thanked me for it, in recent months.
I guess I have been more resentful lately b/c I see all of the "us" things we could be doing (dinners, dialoguing, hanging out after the kids go to bed), but H is out of the country quite frequently, and when he is home, he is often at the farm. My fear I guess is that I continue to support him going out to the farm, and in return I get a husband who is gone to the farm every night. Once the kids are older that will be okay. For example, last night I said I would enjoy going out and riding along in the combine with him. This is an area where I was improving over the summer but have been lacking in the Fall. I guess I am wanting some evidence that he wants to spend a little time with me in addition to his farming/cattle/other choices of how to spend his time.
If I were to leave H alone while he is sleeping, and encourage/support H going to the farm whenever he wants for as long as he wants/needs, he would feel loved. So he says. I guess my worry is that I will be 'leaving him alone' all the time which just leaves me....well...alone. I am thinking maybe I try out an experiment. Be supportive of his sleep needs and farm needs 100% for two to three weeks. (Harvest is usually over by thanksgiving anyway.) No complaining, nagging, etc. And just observe what affect, if any, it has on our time when we ARE together.
Thoughts?
(I just don't want to be little miss doormat in this equation)
