I do remember the drowning man metaphor, i didn't want to get pulled under trying to help "save" him...
Last night was near-death-experience for our M. I am starting to think it cannot be saved...
I texted H at the end of the workday "I miss ya! When would you like to have some "us" time?" Very upbeat/light. To me. Maybe that was pressure to him.
Well, H got home earlier than he has in months. 5:40. His commute is 35 min. so he left at 5 instead of 6. Anyway I was all excited, except I hadn't showered and cleaned up (I took a personal day Friday to clean/organize the house, switch the kids' closets over from summer to winter, etc).
Me: Wow you are early!
H: Yeah, I got out early today.
Me: Dang! I hadn't showered yet! I was going to get all pretty...(flirty)
H: It's okay
Me: So what's up?
H: I am going out to combine with my dad.
Me: Will you be home before the kids go bed? (less flirty I am sure)
H: Not sure depends how long it takes...
Things sort of snowballed down the mountain from there. I know I was going to let it go and not be pissy but I felt disrespected. I told him I missed him and asked him when he wanted to spend time together. He did not even bother to answer me, then comes home early so he can go to the farm all night....
I asked him to go in the other room for a minute (w/out kids). I asked him in a calm voice when, in his mind, he was planning out some time to spend with me. If it wasn't tonight, okay, but when DID he plan to spend time with me?
Went from bad to worse, H said he wasn't happy with the way things were going, I said I know neither am I. I meant we needed to make changes. He took it as, you aren't happy, I am not happy, this isn't working, time to throw in the towel. He said several times, "It is my fault, not yours, but it isn't working". He said he wants to enjoy time with me but he doesn't?? He said I continue to love him the way I want to be loved (words, gestures, touches, affection) and he keeps loving me the way he knows how (providing for me and the kids) but neither of us is giving the other what they want/need.
I told H if he really felt it was over then there was no need to go to Retro on Sunday. He responded that it felt horrible to leave a session on growing your marriage feeling angry, frustrated, and disappointed.
I told him I knew he had been having trouble sleeping, could he be depressed and wouldn't talking to the counselor again be helpful. He said back through clenched teeth that he wasn't going on any medication. I told him there were tons of other options (I didn't list them but I know you can do counseling, excercise, yoga, take vitamins, eat better, lots of things to improve your mood).
Anyway I got teary, S saw me and H talking and me teary, wanted to know what was up. I made up an excuse but I am sure he is onto us...
At one point I asked H if he had been planning to go to my sister's tonight and the race tomorrow, he said he had been planning to meet me halfway between the race site and the retreat (3hrs apart) to ride to the retreat together. I was so hurt b/c I have been talking about the race for 3 months and just this week talking about going out w/my sister and her H tonight before the race tomorrow...
Ultimately I told him not to go to the race with me. He stayed home last night with me and the kids and did NOT go farm. So I said he should spend all day and night combining today. Because I know that farming isn't effective in 3-4 hour increments. He was already frustrated b/c he didn't get to farm last night (he didn't say so but I am sure he was), then if I asked him to leave with me at 1:00 today for my sister's, he would only have a few hours to farm today b/c he had to go to the plant this morning. So I just waved the white flag. He said yes, it would be nice to have the whole day and night to spend farming without having to stop in the middle.
H fell asleep on the couch but came to bed at 4:00 am. Got up at 7:30. When he left for work I asked him what the plan was for tomorrow. He said he wanted to go to the Retro session................
I realized last night when he said it just won't work, that I really do want this M. I have said recently that he needs to get with the program or get out. Emotionally it might be easier on me if he did. But my poor kids...and I am still 100% committed to being married to my H, to making changes and making it better.
I mentioned at one point that it wasn't really enjoyable to spend time the way we have been lately. I said, "I can flip the switch right now. Let's go have fun, and laugh, and play together. I am sooo ready." And I meant it, I could let it all go in a minute if we could just laugh and love each other.
H said, "IT isn't your fault, I just can't. " H went on to say that while camping last week, he was full of anger at me. B/C the childhood friend of the family was there, who bought his parents' old house and some land around it 18 months ago when H's grandma died. H wanted to buy out that part of the family farm-his mom and dad had moved into his grandma's house and had to sell some of the farm to pay off the other relatives. This was eating H up and contributed in large part to his A.
He didn't want his parents to sell any of the farm. But the other siblings live out of state and just wanted cash, and soon. H told me he wanted to buy his parent's old house and some acres around it. The area where he always wanted to build a house was in that acreage. At the time we were living in K.C. with a good sized mortgage of our own. I told H I didn't see how we could afford to buy a house up there that we wouldn't live in and make double mortgage payments. He has never forgiven me for telling him "no" and letting his parents sell off the part of the farm he wanted.
Anyway the girl (39 yrs old) who bought the place is a lifelong friend of the family, her parents have hung out w/Hs parents for over 40 years. So they were part of the group. At one point everyone (30 people) at the campsite was to introduce themselves and say what is new since the last get-together (5 yrs ago). Well, she stood up, said she was stillnot married but was living on the Rohrberg (our last name) Farm and loving it.
Dan's mom piped in "Now it's the Cain Farm (the girl's name)". And everyone kind of laughed but it felt awkward. Dan said at that point he just filled up with resentment at me that she was there "bragging" about how much she loved living on the land he was supposed to have that I didn't let him buy. Funny he does what he wants without considering my feeling 99% of the time, but on this occasion he just went with MY decision? Pretty convenient. If I made the decisions around here we would be in MC, IC, and fully committed to one another...........
