I think the biggest thing I did wrong was avoiding conflict. Yes, we had 19 years of "they never fight", but that was generally because I would do whatever I could to avoid fighting. It started out as a commitment to "biblical submission" but I think just became a habit--I was used to sucking it up, whatever it was, and he was used to me going along with whatever he did.
It would have been smarter to go ahead and fight about stuff that bothers me. But I was afraid. Afraid that if I pushed for my side of things, he would leave. Or even just that we would fight. I was afraid he'd be upset with me and give me the cold shoulder, or yell at me, or tease me...plenty of stuff that gave me reasons to just not confront him.
Last year was hell. After all those years, I snapped and started looking for what he refused to give me, from other men. YES, many people would say I was justified. YES, I felt like I had no other options...because hadn't I tried all those years to be a "good wife", and it hadn't helped at all?
But I still should have remembered that no matter how lonely and unhappy and frustrated I am, I am married, so I can't flirt with other men or contemplate an affair. Even if I felt he literally and figuratively pushed me there, it is against the vows I took, and destructive.
We'll see what happens. I'm working every day at being "a good wife", and a fully faithful one, but also at telling my husband what I need, and being honest about my feelings instead of just saying what I think he wants to hear and doing what it seems he wants me to do. Not sure it is helping, but I am trying.
And he does tease me, and yell at me, and give me the cold shoulder. He does all the things I was afraid he'd do (except leave, so far), and some I'd never imagined. It hurts. I am in a much worse position than I was before I started flirting and fooling around online. But I am back in my marriage, even if I have to eat crow most days.
I figure, things will get better between us, or they won't, but either way I will learn courage and I will have back my self-respect, instead of a pile of regrets.
