You're very sweet :). Thing is in H's eyes (at least as far as I know), I am only here for a few nights and the things he said on Tuesday were gut-wrenching...
As-if does work really well until the R talks start anyway! Then I think where I get in trouble is that I verbalize my "as-if" :).
Anyway, let's see what happens tonight and tomorrow!
Yes going slow...I'm trying! There is the part of me that wants H to come home with flowers and say let's do this thing...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
i hear ya! the fantasy story line runs in my head too- it really doesnt look like that- we all have expectations...i am still waiting for flowers and major romance- trying to make it happen ....its ok to wish!
your H is still in depression and confusion- my H is pretty confused/depressed too- and when he starts to feel like things are out of whack- he gets so confused it takes me for a ride- so i can imagine what you must feel with your H not committing at all (verbally)-
you know what to do- whatch his ACTIONS!
my favorite line my H has been using lately is "i dont know" and "what does it all mean?".
oy vey.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I don't know is the old classic :), followed closely by "we'll see", or "let's just see".
I haven't heard what does it all mean, but have heard some other lovely existential crisis sayings like "we all need to find our own paths." "I love you but I'm not feeling in love" was wheeled out for the first time on Tuesday. I was just waiting for that one to appear. It's so sad, because it doesn't even faze me, but the real issue is if he will make a decision based on these feelings.
Anyway my hope is that because H is seeing his own IC and has been for months, this could speed the process, hopefully back toward me and the M...
I have a very good feeling right now, but I need to keep the as-if attitude going and hope there are no R talks, unless he is feeling more positive.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
well if you have a positive feeling then thats good and TRUE. so believe your PMA! i am sure he just needs time and patience...the fun words to live by.
and im sure he appreciates all your patience and love for him
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Just journaling...so for some reason felt all panicky last night, but hopefully H didn't see.
He got home around 12 AM, fine just asked him how his night was. We went to bed, and while we were in the room he asked me if my friend was still going on honeymoon, the one whose place I can stay in. I said yes, and then he asked about my trip to the US being canceled and I said yes it was. I felt really frustrated as again this shows him thinking of me leaving the house. I did not want to have that conversation, so since we were already in bed, I turned over as if starting to sleep when he was quiet for a moment. It seemed to work. Then he read for awhile, and it was OK again. He grabbed my nose once, which is always a good sign, but no ML. He is SO distant in the bed. No wonder he can't feel in love with me, he won't even really come near me.
Now it's 830, and I decided to just get up and leave him in bed. I truly hope that he can see how much space he can get with me in the house. Tuesday he said that he didn't MIND me being in the bed, it just didn't make him happy. I am hoping I can build on this somehow. Being comfortable I think is a very good start. I kissed him on the cheek when I got up. Thing is I KNOW one of his LLs is physical affection, but he is deliberately withholding it. He pokes at me every once in awhile, but usually in such a way that it can seem sexual like touching my stomach to see if it's flat or poking my butt. I am not sure how and whether I can push the physical boundaries at all...
Anyway I am going to make some coffee, exercise, then I am meeting a friend at 1 for lunch. H wants to hang out a bit today afterwards, and I have no idea what this means. I truly hope it means something nice and active, something that we can actually have FUN doing, instead of another R talk. He is putting so much pressure on this to work right away, but without actually making noticeable efforts, that it is making me feel nervous.
OK off to make my coffee and generally try to be as positive as possible before H gets up.
Oh, and incidentally he said nothing about me cleaning the house, making dinner etc. I wonder whether he is actually noticing these things!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks :). I feel like I am walking through a minefield, sidestepping potential R conversations at every moment. ANYTHING that has to do with the house can turn into one of these and already something came up about our boiler.
Now H is out jogging and I am listening to music. As soon as he gets back I am going to leave early to meet my friend. OK trying to keep the PMA...It's just hard knowing that the R is on trial. So the R is on trial, but it can't be what it should be because he is keeping me at arms' length, very difficult...
I have been pushing the envelope a little bit with physical affection today. There was the kiss when he was in bed, then just before I actually left, I went back in and kissed him all over his face, and joked around about how cuddly he was. When I got back, I did this little half-hug thing. As usual, he resisted. I think if we can get past that physical barrier, things will improve.
My goal=him agreeing for me to stay in the house longer. This is my main goal, and I am trying to achieve this through making myself as indispensable to the house as possible...So, off to do the dishes!
ITH
Last edited by istherehope; 10/18/0810:19 AM.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Well not so much relaxed as forcing positivity in a way. While I was listening to music before H came I had this overwelming feeling that I wanted to hug him when he came in the door. I did this twice, it was sort of forcing myself on him, but I am not sure how to explain it. I said "you know you want me to hug you." He said "should I pretend?" He was smiling though, and I said "sure." I know that sounds bad, but it was light and my thought is now to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. It really is ridiculous in a way, so my current as-if is that he sees it too. I am acting how I would together, but without the ILYs.
You're right about the trying too hard thing, though I actually am being genuine with cleaning. I have a lot of energy to burn and cleaning is helping me. However I should quit offering to help with things. I offer breakfast, shopping etc. Might be a bit much. Am just out now-about to head to lunch.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
....its ok to wish!