Just journaling...so for some reason felt all panicky last night, but hopefully H didn't see.
He got home around 12 AM, fine just asked him how his night was. We went to bed, and while we were in the room he asked me if my friend was still going on honeymoon, the one whose place I can stay in. I said yes, and then he asked about my trip to the US being canceled and I said yes it was. I felt really frustrated as again this shows him thinking of me leaving the house. I did not want to have that conversation, so since we were already in bed, I turned over as if starting to sleep when he was quiet for a moment. It seemed to work. Then he read for awhile, and it was OK again. He grabbed my nose once, which is always a good sign, but no ML. He is SO distant in the bed. No wonder he can't feel in love with me, he won't even really come near me.
Now it's 830, and I decided to just get up and leave him in bed. I truly hope that he can see how much space he can get with me in the house. Tuesday he said that he didn't MIND me being in the bed, it just didn't make him happy. I am hoping I can build on this somehow. Being comfortable I think is a very good start. I kissed him on the cheek when I got up. Thing is I KNOW one of his LLs is physical affection, but he is deliberately withholding it. He pokes at me every once in awhile, but usually in such a way that it can seem sexual like touching my stomach to see if it's flat or poking my butt. I am not sure how and whether I can push the physical boundaries at all...
Anyway I am going to make some coffee, exercise, then I am meeting a friend at 1 for lunch. H wants to hang out a bit today afterwards, and I have no idea what this means. I truly hope it means something nice and active, something that we can actually have FUN doing, instead of another R talk. He is putting so much pressure on this to work right away, but without actually making noticeable efforts, that it is making me feel nervous.
OK off to make my coffee and generally try to be as positive as possible before H gets up.
Oh, and incidentally he said nothing about me cleaning the house, making dinner etc. I wonder whether he is actually noticing these things!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
