H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam,
Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement!

The video was on the computer, buried in some very unsexy file, but I saw it on the list of recent access and thought, "What the heck is this?" I thought he would know better by now than to leave stuff on the computer that he might not want me to run across. I do quite well with not sneaking around snooping, but when it's right under my nose with little or no effort on my part, it's hard not to look. Kind of like a car crash. So I will leave the video alone. I'm not likely to run across it unexpectedly again, and it's less for me to have to hope he doesn't figure out (he's pretty clever that way, and I won't lie about anything). The thing I'd really like to see gone is his cell phone. It's like an umbilical cord tying him to her. He's on the phone with her so much that he has THREE chargers for it (home, car, travel). Of course it wouldn't solve the basic problem, but....

You are right, it is not her weight that attracts him. He did say at one point something along the lines of her meeting his emotional needs, and then said, "It's possible for you to do that too," which I interpreted as meaning, "I might be willing to give you another chance to meet my emotional needs; I think you could do it, but I'm not sure enough to try right now, and/or there are other deal-breakers here."

She is definitely his escape, and who could blame him, right? When he's with her, he doesn't have to deal with the problems of having a house, and cats, and going to work. He doesn't have to fix anything or look at overdue bills (although I would think that if he lets himself think about the amount of money he spends on his little adventures, that would be a flaw in his fantasy world). He stays in places that are nice, where he doesn't even have to make the bed. He can have all the fun he can afford. When these videos were made, they were staying in a B&B (something H and I loved to do); in fact, this B&B was one we had stayed in for one of our anniversaries. I wonder what they told the innkeeper. After all, it's not like checking in at a big hotel, which is what they'd stayed in before; B&Bs are PERSONAL.

Thanks so much for your kind words about me, and your encouragement. I had hoped I had fought the battle against the suicidal stuff for the last time, but obviously not. That's MY escape from emotional he**. H even pointed this out once or twice. Something I read about suicidal thoughts a while ago struck a chord for me: People become suicidal when their problems outstrip their resources for dealing with those problems.

I remember when I was 20 I had to have some oral surgery, and I was given Percocet for the pain. (This IS actually related; stay with me here.) Whoooo, that's powerful stuff! My H (who was my boyfriend at the time; this was in the summer during our college years together, and in the summertime he lived with his parents, a couple of hours away) called after I got home from the surgery, and he told me later that the drugs made me so happy that he could actually HEAR me smiling on the phone! Boy, did I feel great! Once I came down, though, I said, "Nobody should be that happy!" The experience scared me enough (not sure why; there was really nothing to be afraid of) that I flushed the rest of the prescription. NOW, though, I wish I could be on the stuff for the rest of my life! But I guess that's not good for long-term use, so it doesn't make a good AD. (I just looked it up to be sure--it's a narcotic pain reliever, involving danger of addiction. Although do you need to worry about addiction to something you plan to use for the rest of your life??)

I am sorry to hear about your job losses; I know how hard it is to lose a job. I got fired from my first real post-college job after 2 months, and it took me a couple of years and starting my current business before I really put it behind me. But if it turned out for the best in your sitch, that's certainly something. I do appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in having this type of fallout from MLC.

I have other sources of work, but I just lost the biggest source I've had for the last year and a half, which has been making this year much better for me income-wise than anytime since 9/11 (not that I'm making all that much regardless...I am an artist, after all, and I'd probably be a starving one if it weren't for my H's income keeping us afloat).

Thank you so much for praying for me! I need all the prayers I can get.

Loving my H unconditionally...I feel sort of scatterbrained right now, but do you have any particular suggestions? I do speak to him pleasantly when he is around, I don't criticize him for anything, and I try not to drop problems in his lap unless I really can't deal with them myself. I clean the house, do all the laundry, and cook whatever meals are cooked (although he seems disinclined to eat with me). I don't know what H's love language is, although I am familiar with the concept. (I suppose that's one more book I need to read. That stack is getting really tall now.) I pray for him, of course...and for OW too. (And no, I don't pray for her to step in front of a bus.) I am still struggling so much with my anger and unforgiveness.

All right, this is quite enough rambling for now. Thanks so much, Glam, I really appreciate it!

Peace,
Dawn