I don't want people to know that I am the woman who is empty, hollow, no one. I lie and pretend like everything is okay. And I wonder, what is it that makes it impossible for someone to love me?
Is it because I am no one?
Lola, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading your letter. You have so eloquently poured out your deepest heart and I appreciate every word. I identify with all of what you have said as I'm sure most of the rest of us here do.
I want you to know that you are not no one! You are so many things!
You are a mother. You are a powerful, soulful woman. You are a grandmother. You are a wife. You are a spiritual woman. You are a friend.
Most of all, Lola, I consider you a friend of mine. In my book, that makes you extra special!
I am not sure what else to say right now. My head is spinning thinking about the horrible pain you are in. I have had so much healing in the last few weeks but I too have thought that I am nothing and don't deserve to ever have any happiness again because I lost the one thing that identified me. But you are finding so many other things that identify you.
Lola, through Christ you can do and be ANYTHING! I know that you know that sweetie. Hold on to Him and he will show you the way through this. He is more than enough.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thank you Mishka. I have not posted for a while because I was trying to deal with the conflicting emotions inside me. Most of the time, I really do feel good. But, as I said above, in the darkest of nights, I wonder.
I know I will get through this. So many good things, that I am so grateful to God for, have come into my life. All of you. My job. My daughters, my grandbabies, and the friends that have have listened to me tirelessly.
I think most of all now, I am exhausted, and wondering what the lesson of all of this is to be. It might not even have anything to do with me. I know being truly happy is to find your own happiness. But I also believe you have to face your darkest fears. And this is one of mine.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lola, I don't know if I can respond well enough thru my writing. You are someone, only you can answer that question on who you really are. But it is a big part of DBing - rediscovering yourself. You don't really know me so this is easy to ask - Who are you Lola? Not what you do, who you hang with, your roles, your look - Who are you? Great question to answer. Why would someone love you? Why did God put you on this Earth? You are special and cherished. Why? You are someone, I have experienced it, laughed at you jokes, watched you overcome adversity, care for friends, improve yourself. You are for real. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Actually, I am surprised at how just posting that healed me. Sometimes it is amazing when you can face your darkest fears and realize that one is not defined by the spouses or the children, but by who they are.
I am not sure who I am yet. I am still working on that.
But I don't think I believe I am no one anymore.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm so glad you feel better now. I have something to say about the emotion you recently had. I remember before I married my husband, and I was alone in the world without any children. People do not treat a single woman the same way as a mom or a married woman. I remember seeing this, feeling alone, thinking bad thoughts about it, and someone validated my thoughts. They said, "A single woman is invisible in our society." While I was married to my husband, I watched a T.V. show. Some famous actress dressed up like a fat woman and became invisible to the world. The cameras showed how poorly she was treated, even with disrespect in some cases. It was very sad to see.
It's true, but although the mainstream society rejects single women, we know in our hearts that we are good and maybe even better than some. Look in the mirror and see who you are. Your smile is gorgeous! Rise above the multitude and be the better for it. And, always remember God does not make junk.
Poet, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks, I appreciate that perspective!
I actually got the courage to tell my H this morning that I am done. No more.
I have really tried over the last year to fix all of this. I have tried to be the person he wanted me to be. And now, I need to be the person God intends me to be. I told H that I was not going to file, so stop asking, and that I was tired of taking all the blame. I was trying to do the harder thing and fight for my marriage, and I told him to get his head out of his butt. I told him he could no longer use D21 as an excuse, she was gone and had her own life. And right before I hung up on him, I told him he would never find anyone like me.
I am not going to file. But I am done trying. This time, it is time for me to move on. No more loaning money, doing homework, or being his sounding board. And when the day comes that he decides to file, I will sign the papers and send them back. I am finished.
And although initially I was so upset about it, I finally feel good. I am able to look forward instead of looking back.
I think I am beginning to heal.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
