H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[mishka422]

((((((((((((((((Dawn))))))))))))))))))

I want to give you a HUGE hug but sadly the cyber hug is the best I can do.

I understand the feelings of lack of self-worth and hating that you feel your life is pointless. I've been there, right here on this board quite a bit.

You know it will get better. You have gotten better before. You had a shock to your system from seeing those videos. Being confronted with the betrayal is enough to send you spiraling into pointless conjecture on what he sees in her, what she has that you don't, why he is willing to give up your life together. It's not something you get past easily but you will get past it again.

You definitely need a new C ASAP. While you are searching for one, is there a local hotline you can call to talk to someone one on one? Maybe through your local hospital helpline?

The procrastination is something I'm afraid I have no suggestions for. I'm really bad about that too.

[Dawn of Hope]

Trusting,
We must have cross-posted. Thank you so much for your advice and support, and reminding me of things I know perfectly well most of the time.

Strangely enough, my self-esteem has actually been better than ever (in general) since I started recovering from the bomb. I think it is because H became so obviously unreasonable about a number of things--a real whack job, although he probably seems normal enough to other people--that I figured I could discount at least 90% of his criticism. (Of course, he undoubtedly thinks *I'm* the whack job, but I'm definitely not more of one than I have ever been, and probably less....) And--I just realized this--maybe because I realized that I couldn't count on him to build me up and boost my self-esteem any more; I had to do it myself.

The big problem I am having with my mistake with my work is that I've learned quite well that I don't enjoy the experience at all, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it and not do it again. It seems like it should be simple and straightforward--just stop doing it already!--but since I haven't stopped, obviously it isn't that simple. After all of the negative consequences of procrastination I've had by now, I should have had more than enough motivation.

Okay, I just realized I'm beating myself up again. Good catch, there, Trusting.

If I weren't in such a funk right now, I would have laughed out loud when I saw what you wrote about your X taking pictures of OW's butt.

Definitely my H is lost and spiritually empty. I think he even recognizes it himself, but I don't know what, if anything, he is doing about it. Talking to and boinking OW to help him drown out the noise in his head, I suspect.

I started feeling better when I read the bit about treating this as a battle to be fought. I already have the anger part down quite nicely. I do mostly respect myself (my conscience has a pretty sensitive trigger; I am pretty good at avoiding doing things I think are actually morally wrong). I'm working on the "loving myself" part. I think objectively I would be a reasonably good catch (except financially), especially after all of the DB practice. Not that I'm interested in being "caught" by anyone except H.

Thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. I'm so worn out from all the crying that I'm thinking about going straight to bed, even though it's only 9:30 p.m., about 8 hours before I normally go. I don't think I will actually follow through with it, but it's a thought.

Thanks so much for listening and propping me up.
Dawn

[MidwesternGirl]

Dawn:

My H has been having an affair since 2004 and he told me in February that in the beginning, it is exciting and you think you have strong feelings for the other person but you come to the realization that it is not all it is cracked up to be, it is just an illusion. However, my H is still living over there and he is quite miserable! He has told me several times that he is miserable over there. I do not think MLCers are very capable of getting out of their situations as easily as we think we can get out of them. It is as if they are paralyzed.

Hang in there. You will feel better and things do become easier with each day that passes.

[Dawn of Hope]

Mishka,
Thanks so much, even cyber-hugs help!

Yes, it is a shock to the system. That is what finally stopped me from snooping, although it took a few months. I just do so much better when it's not in my face, although I think about it all the time, and I don't think I'm hiding my head in the sand (although how can one be sure of that?).

Does anyone have pointers on finding a SBT counselor? Does the DB office have lists or anything? I've been in counseling on and off for years, but I think I need to be more proactive about finding someone who really is right for my needs. Last time, I took my psychiatrist's suggestion, although it was for a group rather than a specific therapist, and quite possibly one of the other Cs in the office would have been better for me. I think my first C was a better fit for me, but I really want to make a serious effort with SBT and cognitive behavioral therapy (primarily thinking-based treatment for depression), and I don't think she does those. I am not planning to discontinue ADs anytime in the near future, because they may be a crutch, but apparently I haven't learned to walk without a crutch, if I'm not too damaged for it to even be possible.

Believe it or not, I am starting to feel *slightly* better. At least able to get a little bit of distance, so it's not quite so crushing.

I am sorry--I try to stick to facts when I post, instead of whining endlessly (not attractive, that whining), but I guess it's just one of those days when I need to dump it all out in a big mess. If I didn't have this board, I'd either be wearing out my RL friends or bottling it all up.

I think I need a vacation. I've traveled for business, but I just realized it's been almost 3 years since I had an actual vacation. H and I went to Florida for his niece's wedding then, March of 2006, and had several days on our own in the Keys afterward. It was really enjoyable. I just remembered that at niece's wedding, when the pix were being taken of different family arrangements, H's sister (the mother of the bride) had H and his brother (who--big flag here--was in the process of getting divorced at the time) stand with the bride and groom (with or without other family members; I couldn't really see) for a couple of pictures, but I wasn't included in any of them. Her H (second husband, stepfather of the bride) pointed this out to her during the reception and she hunted me out and apologized to me, and corraled the photographer and the bride and groom so they could be photographed with H and me at the reception. I wasn't terribly disturbed about it at the time, but now I wonder if it was sort of an omen.

Okay, I'm rambling, I'll stop now. Feeling a little calmer, though still upset.

Thanks for staying with me this long.
Dawn

[Andabelle]

Dawn,
So sorry you had to find that video. At least OW is not "all that."

I've got a problem with procastinating, too. It is affecting my work badly, has just gotten worse over time (and my M problems haven't helped my focus, obvy). I feel like I have really let my colleagues down lately.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Dawn of Hope]

MWG,
So much for the "most affairs will be over in six months" theory, huh?

I think you are right about MLCers being paralyzed. I think my H is terrified of making the "wrong" decision and that's why he hasn't made any big moves in any direction that would change his status quo. He doesn't want to lose/hurt her. On the other hand, although I don't think he cares much about losing/hurting me, I don't think he wants to deal with losing the trappings and benefits of staying in the marriage (owning the house, getting his laundry and cooking and shopping done by me, and so on), and I don't think he's at all ready to deal with the whole business of moving out and/or legal proceedings, with the attendant financial, social, and logistical problems. So...he stays on the fence so firmly it's as though he's been glued there.

The one sign I have that the excitement of the A might be wearing off just a little is that H is back in theatre again, for the first time in two years, and I think it cuts into his OW time--he hasn't seen her in about a month, I think, because he has rehearsals Friday, Saturday, and Sunday every weekend and can't travel then. He was very heavily involved in theatre for 8 years before that, and he loves it. Of course, he is still on the phone with her constantly, as far as I can tell without snooping, but I imagine phone sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, and he's probably feeling the lack rather keenly, and I'll bet she is too. We'll have to see if he gets into another show soon after this, or if one or the other of them puts a stop to it because it cuts into their togetherness. (ugh!)

It has been getting easier overall in the last 9 months or so, but sometimes I feel like I've stepped on the chute that whisks me directly to the bottom of the hill.

I have been trying to minimize my negative comments (to/about anyone or anything) in the last few weeks, and concentrate on speaking more positively, but it has not been going as well as I would like.

I just told someone yesterday that I just realized that one of my problems is that I expect myself to be perfect anytime I do anything, generally even the first time (probably because I was raised with unreasonably high expectations), and so I spend a great deal of time feeling like I fall short. (I impose a certain amount of that attitude on other people, which unquestionably causes problems in my relationships.) Her response was, "Who decides what 'perfect' is?" I said, "Me." Hence the problem.

I have also come to realize that I have a tendency to subtly put down other people in order to make myself look better or smarter or some such. Even though I know it is a bad thing, I still do it sometimes, although I have gotten much better about it.

Thanks for listening and caring.
Dawn

P.S. I hope I haven't offended anyone with my comments about OW's weight. I don't normally make issues of people's weight, because it's not a big deal to me, usually--people's weight is their own business, and friends come in all sizes--but this is my H's mistress we're talking about, so hopefully my bias is understood here. I'm petite in both directions, and happy to be so, but I have to work hard at staying that way, so I have an appreciation of how difficult it is to remove excess poundage.

[Dawn of Hope]

Andabelle,
Thank you for posting to me, and for your support. I keep wondering when he will wake up and have one of those "Eureka" moments and say, "I'm trading THIS for THAT?? What was I thinking?"

Yes, the MLC insanity ramps up the spouse's stress levels enough that I suspect that any issues one has beforehand get worse. If you have a tendency to overeat, you will blow up. If you are scatterbrained already, you will not even be able to find your head in the morning, much less your keys. In my case, I developed the attention span of a flea, and found it even more difficult than before to start and complete projects. My slight tendency toward anorexia and bulimia skyrocketed instantly. I have that mostly under control. The bulimia is still putting in an appearance now and then.

Okay, I'm so exhausted that I'm starting to fall asleep trying to read my own post over.

Thanks so much for your kindness and caring.
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Dawn so sorry you are struggling. First of all I would get rid of the video you found. If h is leaving that stuff lying around then oh well wasn't worth saving now was it.

If you h ever questions you, play dumb. That may not be good advice, but I wouldn't be able to stand that distasteful video in my home.

Next pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Your h is lost right now. It's not her weight though that he is attracted to. They do affair way down now don't they. She is meeting your h's emotional needs right now. She is his escape. Keep that in mind.

Next you are worth it! You are so worth it! Don't let the enemy put thoughts of failure or worthlessness or suicide in your head. Of course that is what the enemy wants you to think. Protect yourself against the enemy. Put on some armour for protection. This could be in the form of the bible, praying, christian music. You need God right now!

As far as work, get into prayer and ask God how he can help with your situation and keep you from procrastinating. It's not easy to work and to go through a crisis. I lost not 1 but 2 jobs through all of this. In hindsight it was for the best anyway, but it was a tough journey and I had to go through.

Hugs to you Dawn! God Bless! I will pray for you! Stay strong!

Have you thought anymore about how you can love your h unconditionally?

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam,
Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement!

The video was on the computer, buried in some very unsexy file, but I saw it on the list of recent access and thought, "What the heck is this?" I thought he would know better by now than to leave stuff on the computer that he might not want me to run across. I do quite well with not sneaking around snooping, but when it's right under my nose with little or no effort on my part, it's hard not to look. Kind of like a car crash. So I will leave the video alone. I'm not likely to run across it unexpectedly again, and it's less for me to have to hope he doesn't figure out (he's pretty clever that way, and I won't lie about anything). The thing I'd really like to see gone is his cell phone. It's like an umbilical cord tying him to her. He's on the phone with her so much that he has THREE chargers for it (home, car, travel). Of course it wouldn't solve the basic problem, but....

You are right, it is not her weight that attracts him. He did say at one point something along the lines of her meeting his emotional needs, and then said, "It's possible for you to do that too," which I interpreted as meaning, "I might be willing to give you another chance to meet my emotional needs; I think you could do it, but I'm not sure enough to try right now, and/or there are other deal-breakers here."

She is definitely his escape, and who could blame him, right? When he's with her, he doesn't have to deal with the problems of having a house, and cats, and going to work. He doesn't have to fix anything or look at overdue bills (although I would think that if he lets himself think about the amount of money he spends on his little adventures, that would be a flaw in his fantasy world). He stays in places that are nice, where he doesn't even have to make the bed. He can have all the fun he can afford. When these videos were made, they were staying in a B&B (something H and I loved to do); in fact, this B&B was one we had stayed in for one of our anniversaries. I wonder what they told the innkeeper. After all, it's not like checking in at a big hotel, which is what they'd stayed in before; B&Bs are PERSONAL.

Thanks so much for your kind words about me, and your encouragement. I had hoped I had fought the battle against the suicidal stuff for the last time, but obviously not. That's MY escape from emotional he**. H even pointed this out once or twice. Something I read about suicidal thoughts a while ago struck a chord for me: People become suicidal when their problems outstrip their resources for dealing with those problems.

I remember when I was 20 I had to have some oral surgery, and I was given Percocet for the pain. (This IS actually related; stay with me here.) Whoooo, that's powerful stuff! My H (who was my boyfriend at the time; this was in the summer during our college years together, and in the summertime he lived with his parents, a couple of hours away) called after I got home from the surgery, and he told me later that the drugs made me so happy that he could actually HEAR me smiling on the phone! Boy, did I feel great! Once I came down, though, I said, "Nobody should be that happy!" The experience scared me enough (not sure why; there was really nothing to be afraid of) that I flushed the rest of the prescription. NOW, though, I wish I could be on the stuff for the rest of my life! But I guess that's not good for long-term use, so it doesn't make a good AD. (I just looked it up to be sure--it's a narcotic pain reliever, involving danger of addiction. Although do you need to worry about addiction to something you plan to use for the rest of your life??)

I am sorry to hear about your job losses; I know how hard it is to lose a job. I got fired from my first real post-college job after 2 months, and it took me a couple of years and starting my current business before I really put it behind me. But if it turned out for the best in your sitch, that's certainly something. I do appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in having this type of fallout from MLC.

I have other sources of work, but I just lost the biggest source I've had for the last year and a half, which has been making this year much better for me income-wise than anytime since 9/11 (not that I'm making all that much regardless...I am an artist, after all, and I'd probably be a starving one if it weren't for my H's income keeping us afloat).

Thank you so much for praying for me! I need all the prayers I can get.

Loving my H unconditionally...I feel sort of scatterbrained right now, but do you have any particular suggestions? I do speak to him pleasantly when he is around, I don't criticize him for anything, and I try not to drop problems in his lap unless I really can't deal with them myself. I clean the house, do all the laundry, and cook whatever meals are cooked (although he seems disinclined to eat with me). I don't know what H's love language is, although I am familiar with the concept. (I suppose that's one more book I need to read. That stack is getting really tall now.) I pray for him, of course...and for OW too. (And no, I don't pray for her to step in front of a bus.) I am still struggling so much with my anger and unforgiveness.

All right, this is quite enough rambling for now. Thanks so much, Glam, I really appreciate it!

Peace,
Dawn

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn,

There are several things that strike me about your sitch (and you remind me of myself!)... first, I wanted to say it before, but its not like a judgement and I'm not H-bashing or saying give up, no, but....bsaically, you are in a very abusive situation with this man. Can you see that? Lets take the Db stuff out for a minute.. he is being mean and cruel to you, he shows no regard for your mental health, he shows you no care, no love, he isnt even civil. He ignores you, you move through the house like ghosts.. he does all this whilst selfishly letting you take care of him, cook, clean, do his friggin laundry !

So its no wonder yuo feel so down on yourself, he is trapping you in a very miserable, painful and abusive situation. You are trapped in it, because you still love him and pray that he will give up ow and see the light.

About yourslef, I can see you are hard on yourself, self critical if you will. I am always SOOO impressed when I read your posts that not only are you a working artist, but you have your own business and have done for years. Thats amazing. And it IS hard to be creative on tap and meeting deadlines is a killer with that line of work... so why be so hard on yourslef? You are amazing! You make a living from your art, you have to push yourself constantly, find clients, meet their needs. Considering the hell you are living in with your H right now, I am not surprised you find it hard to concentrate and do a good job.

I think you just need to accept that..(I had to as I have struggled with working/college this year and I find it hard to produce stuff for art college).. your life is not smooth and stress free, you arent feeling happy and settled, its no wonder other areas of your life are suffering. Give yourself a break, accept you may need to do less, take less clients or earn less for the next 6 months-year. When things are 'better' or you feel stronger, you can be a high achiever again!?

Now, your H.. this R he is in.. its flippin wierd !!!?? I always thought that.. hours on the phone? textting, calling, 3 chargers? What, is he 14? What it sounds like to me, reminds me of the stuff I have been posting about Scorpio/Mars and Pluto.. it sounds OBSESSIONAL. It doesnt sound healthy, it sounds destructive. It probably explains why he is with someone who is not conventionally attractive, or more attractive than you... its not the external stuff thats attracting him, its how its making him feel on a deep, probably unconcious level. Dont read that as, oh great, its love.. I dont mean that. She has come into his life to teach him something about himself IMO, but he's going to take a long time to figure it out.

As for what he said to you... considering the way you are and the things you say, I woulkdnt be surprised if it seems to him that you are in a world of your own, or in a bubble.. or not engaging with him at all (meanwhile he is caught in an obsessional compulsive grip with ow). I agree that he sounded frustrated, like you never talk to him. You said you go to bed when he gets up.

I know you are DBing, so wanted to avoid an R talk, but seeing as he started it, I would have taken the bait. Also, do you think you are shut down to him and avoiding him out of feelings of rage, rather than pure DBing? He may be misinterpreting your moods. I'm not making much sense here, but I'm trying. For example, when he said "why do you have to make this so difficult" you just opened your eyes wide and stared at him.. if that were me, I would take that as defensive and a signal to me to shut up, give up. Perhaps it would have paid more, in a DB sense to SHOW him that you are listening.. so, maybe you could have said, "I'm sorry you feel that, it wasnt my intention to make this difficult, if you want to talk, then thats fine by me and I am happy to do that " - or something ???

Lastly, you are amazing. You are talented, you are compassionate, you are thoughtful, you are many things that many people would do better to try a little harder to be! I dont have any advice about CBT therapists, I'm not sure where you live, but just google it !? We are all here for you,

Ali xxx