H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Mishka,
Thanks so much, even cyber-hugs help!

Yes, it is a shock to the system. That is what finally stopped me from snooping, although it took a few months. I just do so much better when it's not in my face, although I think about it all the time, and I don't think I'm hiding my head in the sand (although how can one be sure of that?).

Does anyone have pointers on finding a SBT counselor? Does the DB office have lists or anything? I've been in counseling on and off for years, but I think I need to be more proactive about finding someone who really is right for my needs. Last time, I took my psychiatrist's suggestion, although it was for a group rather than a specific therapist, and quite possibly one of the other Cs in the office would have been better for me. I think my first C was a better fit for me, but I really want to make a serious effort with SBT and cognitive behavioral therapy (primarily thinking-based treatment for depression), and I don't think she does those. I am not planning to discontinue ADs anytime in the near future, because they may be a crutch, but apparently I haven't learned to walk without a crutch, if I'm not too damaged for it to even be possible.

Believe it or not, I am starting to feel *slightly* better. At least able to get a little bit of distance, so it's not quite so crushing.

I am sorry--I try to stick to facts when I post, instead of whining endlessly (not attractive, that whining), but I guess it's just one of those days when I need to dump it all out in a big mess. If I didn't have this board, I'd either be wearing out my RL friends or bottling it all up.

I think I need a vacation. I've traveled for business, but I just realized it's been almost 3 years since I had an actual vacation. H and I went to Florida for his niece's wedding then, March of 2006, and had several days on our own in the Keys afterward. It was really enjoyable. I just remembered that at niece's wedding, when the pix were being taken of different family arrangements, H's sister (the mother of the bride) had H and his brother (who--big flag here--was in the process of getting divorced at the time) stand with the bride and groom (with or without other family members; I couldn't really see) for a couple of pictures, but I wasn't included in any of them. Her H (second husband, stepfather of the bride) pointed this out to her during the reception and she hunted me out and apologized to me, and corraled the photographer and the bride and groom so they could be photographed with H and me at the reception. I wasn't terribly disturbed about it at the time, but now I wonder if it was sort of an omen.

Okay, I'm rambling, I'll stop now. Feeling a little calmer, though still upset.

Thanks for staying with me this long.
Dawn