Where there are shadows, let me bring light

[LolaL]

The job is great. I thank God for giving it to me, because in the last three months, my self esteem has really gone up a lot. It has helped me a lot.

Now if I could just get rid of the rest...

I sent this to a friend of mine the other day, just some thoughts. I wonder how many people feel the same way, and have decided to post a bit of an edited version here.


I wonder who I am. Who am I? Because right now, I feel like no one.

I used to be Lola the Single. Then I became Lola the Italian's wife. I was married to someone I loved very much, and he hurt me. So I decided to become Lola the Single again. And I wonder what it was about me that attracted this violent, abusive man to me? What was it that made him think he could hit me?

Then I met XH and became Lola the American-German's wife. I married because I was afraid to be alone. I wanted to belong to someone, no matter what the consequence. I did not love XH. I tried to, and at times I actually thought I could love him. But it was not the kind of love that lasted. I did not feel passion for him. I did not feel attracted to him. I stayed with him for ten years, on and off. We even divorced and got remarried, because I figured it was better to live with the one you know rather than take a chance on someone you don't. And in the long run, I decided it was better to be alone than to live with someone I didn't love, could never love. I carry guilt because I wasted ten years of his life, when maybe he could have found someone that he could love, that would love him back. I don't know that he really loved me, or loved the idea of having a wife and family. He wanted everything his way, and for a long time I gave him that. And then I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and something in me died.

I became Lola the XW, no one. No ones wife. Just another single mother trying to survive. I did not regret walking away, and yet I felt guilty because I knew I had caused pain. I didn't deserve to be loved. I deserved to be alone.

And I was...for two years. I met XBF, and now I was someone's girlfriend. He was sweet, caring, and for the first time, I knew what love was. To be loved. Or did I? He never said he loved me, even when I finally said it to him. And after a year, I knew what heartbreak was when he dumped me over the phone on New Years Day.

And again, I was no one. Just Lola the XW, XGF. No one. It took me two years to heal from that. When I heard XBF had married, I cried. And I wondered, what is it about me that makes me so unloveable? Am I too intense? Do I love too much? Am I too clingy? I vowed to never let myself love again. It hurt too much.

And then, one day, I saw him. My first initial thought was he is good looking, with strong features, and I am looking at my future husband. Then I saw his wedding ring. Yeah, way off base. But H and I became really great friends. And when his marriage ended, he came to me. And I loved him. Without thought, without fight, I fell for him completely. I didn't want to, but could not stop it. I did not want to have hope that this man would be with me, that we would have a future. But every day I fell more and more in love with him. And thanked God every night, as I was lying next to him, for this wonderful gift.

And on July 14, 2006, I became someone. I became Lola, wife of H.

Sometimes, in the dark of night, I would wonder if he would leave me. But I pushed that thought away, thinking God had given me this man to love, and He would not take H away from me. I was afraid that H would find someone younger, someone prettier, someone without children. But I pushed that thought away, thinking H would never hurt me like that. He loves me. I could love, and I felt loved. I felt loved in a way that made me whole.

And then, H left me. And I was again, no one. Just a woman with a different last name.

The first few months, I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. If I did sleep, I would wake in the morning, there was a fire in my chest that would not go out. There was pain that made me cry every day. I cried at the strangest moments. And I did not want to live. I prayed for God to take me. I wished I had the courage to end my life so that I wouldn't feel the pain. I felt like a coward. I was cowering in a corner while this man walked away from me, and I didn't fight. But I didn't know how.

So I ask again, who am I? A year later, I still feel like I am no one. I have a husband, but only on paper. I smile, but if you really look, it is only on my face. The smile does not reach my eyes. I am afraid that if someone looks really close, they will see that I am no one. Why is my life defined by my husband? Should my life be defined by my husband? I don't know. But without him, I feel like no one.

The problem is, I feel like no one worse than I ever did before. There is a heaviness in my heart, a sadness that, even when I am having a good day, is still there, lurking, like a disease that has lain dormant for so many years, a screaming in my soul, that wants to pop up at any minute and say I am here!!! Guess what!! I am going to kill you slowly. I am going to give you moments when you feel great, but I am always there, lurking, lingering, and when you feel like you are finally healing, I am going to come back with a vengeance to remind you that it is not over. You are not yet healed.

It is the disease of being no one.

And so now I wait. I feel like this is a disease that is terminal. There are moments of clarity. Is there medicine that can cure this disease? No, just make it easier to tolerate in the form of an antidepressant. I don't want people to know that I am the woman who is empty, hollow, no one. I lie and pretend like everything is okay. And I wonder, what is it that makes it impossible for someone to love me?

Is it because I am no one?
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