H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Trusting,
We must have cross-posted. Thank you so much for your advice and support, and reminding me of things I know perfectly well most of the time.

Strangely enough, my self-esteem has actually been better than ever (in general) since I started recovering from the bomb. I think it is because H became so obviously unreasonable about a number of things--a real whack job, although he probably seems normal enough to other people--that I figured I could discount at least 90% of his criticism. (Of course, he undoubtedly thinks *I'm* the whack job, but I'm definitely not more of one than I have ever been, and probably less....) And--I just realized this--maybe because I realized that I couldn't count on him to build me up and boost my self-esteem any more; I had to do it myself.

The big problem I am having with my mistake with my work is that I've learned quite well that I don't enjoy the experience at all, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it and not do it again. It seems like it should be simple and straightforward--just stop doing it already!--but since I haven't stopped, obviously it isn't that simple. After all of the negative consequences of procrastination I've had by now, I should have had more than enough motivation.

Okay, I just realized I'm beating myself up again. Good catch, there, Trusting.

If I weren't in such a funk right now, I would have laughed out loud when I saw what you wrote about your X taking pictures of OW's butt.

Definitely my H is lost and spiritually empty. I think he even recognizes it himself, but I don't know what, if anything, he is doing about it. Talking to and boinking OW to help him drown out the noise in his head, I suspect.

I started feeling better when I read the bit about treating this as a battle to be fought. I already have the anger part down quite nicely. I do mostly respect myself (my conscience has a pretty sensitive trigger; I am pretty good at avoiding doing things I think are actually morally wrong). I'm working on the "loving myself" part. I think objectively I would be a reasonably good catch (except financially), especially after all of the DB practice. Not that I'm interested in being "caught" by anyone except H.

Thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. I'm so worn out from all the crying that I'm thinking about going straight to bed, even though it's only 9:30 p.m., about 8 hours before I normally go. I don't think I will actually follow through with it, but it's a thought.

Thanks so much for listening and propping me up.
Dawn