H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

MWG,
Thanks for posting to me, I really appreciate it.

You are right about the "affair down" thing, I am sure. On my better days that doesn't bother me at all, I know objectively that I'm a more appealing partner in a lot of ways. I do sometimes wonder how long it will be before the infatuation wears off--it's been a year and three months now since this all started.

Regarding my work...I have had lots of gentle pushes, and some 2x4s too. I keep doing it. I don't understand why. I know I must be getting something out of procrastination, but I have no idea what it is. I've talked to therapists and a lot of other people about this, and I don't think I've made any real progress at all.

You are right, I need to get back into therapy. I quit about a month ago because the insurance benefits for it were used up for the year, so I figured I'd start again in January, but I need to find a different therapist. The one I had been working with is nice enough, but I don't think she was helping me very much.

I have bills piling up that I don't know when I will be able to pay. I've developed one of those rather personal medical issues, although that is relatively minor and shouldn't last too long, but it is making me uncomfortable. I've started having headaches again.

Now I remember why I went on ADs and plan to stay on them. I hate feeling like this, and I've already spent most of the last 30 years feeling this way to some degree. I just can't even stand being in my own skin. I want to just run away and leave all this behind me. Sometimes I feel like whitewashed fecal matter. Great, now I'm crying again.

I have been doing so much better with my self-esteem all this year than ever before, and even though I know deep down that I am an okay person, right now I don't know why I am bothering to keep trying to make something meaningful of my life. No matter where I go, I seem to always end up back here, wondering, "What's the use?"

I don't expect the people on this board to take the place of IC. But sometimes ya just have to let it all out. Welcome to depression. You won't have a nice visit.

Thanks for listening...
Dawn