H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Thanks, MWG, Kelaaron, and Glam, for your advice and encouragement. I did gain some new insight from your thoughts.

Today I could REALLY use some support. Yesterday I accidentally (I was not snooping) discovered some videos that H and OW took when he was on vacation with her a couple of months ago (I hadn't even known for sure that they were together for that part of the time he was gone). There wasn't really anything risque or anything like that on them--in fact, there weren't any videos that both of them were in, although the soundtrack is them talking to each other--in general, pretty average vacation videos. I had only seen still pix of OW before, and then only head and shoulders. This was the first time I had seen her more full length or moving around or heard her voice. OMG, she's HUGE! She's fat all over, but her stomach looks like she's pregnant with an entire baseball team! Sort of makes me wonder why I ever bothered to work out hard and eat right, if someone that big can attract my H away from me (and he was never attracted to that sort of thing before!). I think the thing that bothered me most was seeing the way they acted to each other (even though one of them was always behind the camera)--my H was flirty and joking and smiling, which he hasn't been with me in so long I barely remember it. It was just like a knife to the gut. So yesterday was the first punch, and I was pretty upset but thought I was getting past it.

Then today I got some bad work-related news, and the worst thing is, it's all my fault, because I can't seem to do ANYTHING on time. I have been fighting my procrastination for 30 years, and it's pretty bad now. I have lost clients because of my procrastination before, and every time, I would promise myself, "Never again!" And then I keep doing it, and today it caught up to me in a pretty major way.

So I am just...devastated today. Sometimes when one area of your life is going south on you, at least you can hold on to the fact that everything else is going okay. But right now the two biggest areas of my life are in the toilet, and I'm having so much trouble dealing with all of this that it's like the ADs suddenly stopped working. It's bad enough that I'm feeling moderately suicidal right now. I've been crying, which I rarely do any more except when my AD levels get too low, but I've been taking them consistently for weeks and was doing fine. I don't even want to talk to anyone in RL about this because I feel so guilty about how I've messed up with my work. I've tried and tried to fix the problem over the years--fighting procrastination has been a constant in my life--and nothing has really worked.

The way I feel right now, this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I just feel like a total failure right now. I'm just sitting here sobbing and telling God, "I can't do this any more. I just can't. There is nothing in my life that's worth sticking around for. I don't know what you made me for, but I can't believe this is it. I've made a mess of every opportunity I've had, and I just feel like I'm permanently broken. The best I've ever been able to do is to feel that maybe someday I will feel that my life has been worthwhile, and I've contributed more than I've taken. The best I've been able to feel about the value of my life is neutral. Most of my life, though, has been spent wondering why I should keep on living. Why should I keep on trying when I keep failing and never getting any better?"

I have been dealing with this sort of thing for years, and I know that if I just hold on, eventually I will feel better, but it doesn't help.

I think I'm going to take a walk and see if I can get a grip. No guarantees.

Dawn