Yeah he is an asssssssssss--sorry, not nice, I know!
H did his thing again last night. He went out with the customer, got home at 10:30. I was cleaning the kitchen. He went and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. I walked in 5 min later and he was lying down with a blanket on him. Any time he goes out and comes home and lays down, it is a given that he will be asleep in five min. or less.
I started talking to him and he startled, like he was asleep already. I went back to organizing baby clothes and then a minute later I heard him say, "I am going to bed." I said, "OK."
He didn't go to bed, he fell asleep on the couch. I am pissed b/c another night has passed where we spent zero time together. the last time we spent any time alone together was last Saturday night when we were up until 1 am discussing both of our letters and trying to decide what to do about our marriage.
I am soooooo tired of that whole cycle. I don't want our only time together to be spent discussing the pros and cons of being together. Not exactly an enjoyable experience to build on! I remember having FUN times together, where did that go?
He never did get up off the couch. I walked through the room a few times to put things away and he startled every time, so he must have been sleeping lightly...anyway once he said, "What do you need?" as though I had been talking to him. I replied, "When can I have time with you?" H answered, "When do you want to?" I said, "No, when do YOU want to spend time with me?" He asked me when I wanted to again. I stated calmly that I wanted to spend time with him quite often and he was unavailable so I was asking when he would want to spend time with me...He just said whenever you want and rolled over, back to sleep.
H spent the whole night out on the couch. Pisses me off. Both kids came in our bed, I tossed and turned with them for an hour and then put them in their beds. I always sleep like crap if I know he is in the house but not in our bed at night.
Anyway this morning H comes in at 6 a.m. sharp, all dressed for work, and kisses me goodbye. WTF? Again, he either does not remember last night or he is pretending it never happened....Either is possible, I could smell alcohol on his breath when he came in so if they had much to drink he may have crashed and been out of it once he fell asleep the first time...
I am super annoyed b/c I can either continue to ignore the whole thing where I am at the bottom of the list, or I can raise the issue, which always falls on me to do, and we can have another "talk session" which I am not in the mood for. Can someone hit the fast forward button to where I get to have fun with my H again???????????
What would "Do something different" look like in this situation? I have tried ignore and go with the flow which seems to affirm his NOT spending time with me. I have tried raise the issue and talk which leads to, well, talk, and not change....
Can you plan a regular date night, either at home or out, where you are not allowed to have R talk? I may be wrong, but I get the feeling that he needs a break from talking about the R. The pressure seems to be getting to him. What kinds of fun things did you used to do together?
Anyway this morning H comes in at 6 a.m. sharp, all dressed for work, and kisses me goodbye. WTF? Again, he either does not remember last night or he is pretending it never happened....Either is possible, I could smell alcohol on his breath when he came in so if they had much to drink he may have crashed and been out of it once he fell asleep the first time...
I am super annoyed b/c I can either continue to ignore the whole thing where I am at the bottom of the list, or I can raise the issue, which always falls on me to do, and we can have another "talk session" which I am not in the mood for. Can someone hit the fast forward button to where I get to have fun with my H again???????????
What would "Do something different" look like in this situation? I have tried ignore and go with the flow which seems to affirm his NOT spending time with me. I have tried raise the issue and talk which leads to, well, talk, and not change....
Christ on a pony..wake up brother.. he's pissing me off and I'm not there. I can imagine how frustrated you are. I feel for you. He's avoiding it all at the moment..hoping you won't say anything.
I say set up a date night..as suggested..then have him pull his calender out and pencil it in..If he breaks the date night with some bullchitt excuse then I would think you'll have to come up with a solution for this problem
I am glad you have insight into his brain....I know he wants to avoid avoid avoid at all costs. The thing is, if I do what a lot would suggest and just leave H alone, give him space, I don't think he would really notice!?! Or, he would notice in a way that says to him, "Good for me, she is backing off so I can go to all the things I want to do (cattle, work, farm, etc) and not catch hell for it."
I cannot imagine a scenario where he says, "Crap! Where did she go? Better go lookin for her"....Based on past experience, it would be more like "Whew........the 'boss' is gone, now I can play (I don't mean OW, I mean his hobby crap)."
BTW, this is just an observation I made today that worried me a little. Mike, I have not found a lot of men in "Real Life" that I joke with/tease like I do the guys on here.
This morning on the stairwell at D's daycare, there was a Dad I run into a lot. He and I exchanged some harmless jokes/words this morning, as we have in the past. For some reason, a little light went on in the back of my brain. I thought, "This is how it can happen. A person can be so lonely for the warm, friendly, welcoming contact, that when they get it from someone, they want more of it, even if that person isn't their spouse."
I would NEVER NEVER cheat on my H b/c I have lived through the hell it played out on me and my kids and our extended families. But I am starting to see how it could happen to people. It was just so nice to have a light-hearted moment with a man after so much seriousness.......
I am glad you have insight into his brain....I know he wants to avoid avoid avoid at all costs. The thing is, if I do what a lot would suggest and just leave H alone, give him space, I don't think he would really notice!?! Or, he would notice in a way that says to him, "Good for me, she is backing off so I can go to all the things I want to do (cattle, work, farm, etc) and not catch hell for it."
I cannot imagine a scenario where he says, "Crap! Where did she go? Better go lookin for her"....Based on past experience, it would be more like "Whew........the 'boss' is gone, now I can play (I don't mean OW, I mean his hobby crap)."
BBJ..IMO I think you need to approach this from a different place. I don't know and can't suggest how you do it but I can tell you this. If you come across as nagging his asss all the time then he will continue to avoid..I'm sure he is at peace when he has space. He WOULD notice in a "Good for me way". It would be nice if you could find someway to approach this in a non nagging way...
and you say his Hobby crap?? well he needs his hobby crap..we all need hobby crap...but he also needs to balance his BBJ time/family time/play time/work time..
BTW, this is just an observation I made today that worried me a little. Mike, I have not found a lot of men in "Real Life" that I joke with/tease like I do the guys on here.
I know what you're saying here.
Quote:
This morning on the stairwell at D's daycare, there was a Dad I run into a lot. He and I exchanged some harmless jokes/words this morning, as we have in the past. For some reason, a little light went on in the back of my brain. I thought, "This is how it can happen. A person can be so lonely for the warm, friendly, welcoming contact, that when they get it from someone, they want more of it, even if that person isn't their spouse."
yep, you are correct..see, I will speak from my experience.. I never found myself attractive. I had people tell me I was handsome but never believed it. I always just thought of myself as plain. Now, If I just happened to be bringing Caleigh into your school..and we just happened to start joking, talking daily..harmless stuff..well my PMA would probably soar...me being married and another woman paying attention to me...Yep..it would have soared..so yes.. I can see how that could/does happen. I think it's great you had this light bulb moment and are very aware about how it could happen.
It's why I avoided women like the plague while I was married..I wanted to make sure nothing ever happened and I was never temepted..yes,,I did look but I never acted. It's not in me to do that..I would pass a woman on the street, my eyes would be down..no hello's, no nothing...
I have no interest in nagging. It gets me nowhere, it is "more of the same", so I am not going there anymore...
I have also done the "focus on BBJ" thing. It makes me happy in some ways b/c I do more running, playing with the kids, etc. But part of what makes BBJ happy is loving on my H, and feeling the love in return. I can't do that part.
Plus, I do sense that he is relieved when he doesn't have to "deal with" me. What concerns me is the thought that my 2 options are to push him for more time together, which he reads as pressure/nagging. Or to back off entirely and let him do what he chooses, which 99% of the time is something other than me. What is the option I am missing? I don't like either option I have tried before.
Mike, also, I know I called it Hobby Crap. I didn't mean it quite like that. I have told H that I have disrespected his passion for his cattle business and farming endeavors. I told him I wouldn't do it anymore, that I would support him.
The man has spent over $2K in the past 6 weeks on cattle stuff and I have not bothered him about it even though it worries me that we are going to have to start emptying our savings to keep up with the business. I ask about the cattle and stuff like that. The reason I get resentful of it is that he consistently makes time for it, because "cattle have to be fed, they have to be fenced in", etc...I know that is true but marriages have to be fed, too, and he doesn't seem to notice that part. I do get jealous of his hobbies b/c he makes sure he has time for them, his job, and his kids, but not me.
I have been seeing this pattern since before we split up. One of the reasons we separated/he had his A is because he thought I had become bitchy and demanding of him and his time. I don't want to do that again, look where it got me last time. But I am looking for another option besides trying to be happy about the fact that we spend zero time together.
I think you need to plan the events and schedule them in. Let him know that X is happening at whatever time, and you and he are going to be doing it. Get yourself onto his appointment calendar!
I really feel like Mike does regarding other woman. Sure I also like to look but know full well that if you don't hang around the pool it is very unlikely you will get wet or fall in. I also saw some of my buddies succoomb to the temptation so i know how it can happen. I also lost respect for those guys. There is a difference between enjoying the attention and acting on it. Almost like humans and animals....I may be exagerating a tad.
