Thanks for asking! I'm in a pretty good place most days. Where I have problems is when I mull over memories that are so inconsistent with what has happened.
As time goes forward a certain clarity emerges. It gets easier but 30 years is impossible to leave behind. A small and ever smaller part of me is still hanging on. The worst fear I have is that my ExW will come out of this down the road and my feelings will be totally gone. I'll always love her but not the way I did.
I just have this nagging feeling that my ExW thinks that I'll be there always. Afterall I was. It is as though she can't help herself and has to do this but doesn't want to really let go totally. Just a feeling. That is as perverse as it is scary.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Not so perverse, it is how I feel. I hope you and everyone else is right about me starting this early enough that it may save my marriage. I have 29 years married, 31 together. And my biggest problems are the same, looking at all the great times, not these bad ones she keeps talking about, but it is her justification of why she walked. why she is seeking this emotional boost elsewhere, it is not as she makes it out to be. that is the part that keeps me awake at night. I can't sleep. i try to see really bad times, other than our drinking dramas, our life was real good. The last two years were hard, but on both sides. So the inconsistent behavior is really killing me. She has been told I won't wait around forever, she says she knows, and like you, I believe she doesn't want to let go, but feels she needs to do this, or some part of her does. It is sad in a way. that she won't see real happiness in her life until she pains and causes pain like she has never known. When the end of the day at disneyland ends, she will get handed the bill, it will blow her mind, she will have real pain, like mine, like yours, and she will know abandonment, she will know being on her hands and knees wondering what to do to make it right. I wish I had a time frame on it, I really do. I have been told anywhere from 3 months to 2 years.
Like my best friend told me, one night you'll be grocery shopping and bam, right out of the blue, you'll crash into someone and your eyes will connect and there will be sparks. Because, as he says, you deserve everyting because you give everything. With any luck she will be pushing the other carriage. I ain't looking any further than my backyard, I know where I want to be, i see it, I envision it, but I ain't her. That's the reality that hits me like 480 v out of a transformer. Makes you shake, wakes you up, and helps you see what you need to do so you don't get hit again. I am taking a down night tonight. Didn't want to, but I am. Feels right. everything is a hundred miles an hour in my life right now. I need to get off the freeway and chill.
I look around me, all I have and say how could she not want this, but in her mind its stress, bills, cleaning, getting after me to fix things, take care of this take care of that, lets go to the ranch, lets do this...Take the beer gogles off, take a real hard look, and it ain't so bad, really. It just takes time to get everything right, to get everything together, to get everything in perspective. Just like my marriage. I can't fix it, but I'll guarantee you this, whoever ends up with me at the end of the day is gonna say wow, you really take care of things don't you? I may have been in a fog for a while, but I'm back. Maybe she's in the same fog and when she crashes, she'll be back. I have all of you here in my webworld. My friends are right alongside me. they don't want me to go out looking for love, they just want me to know that its out there and its coming my way....Again God Bless you, me and you definitely on the same road, I just pray that I do all the things you have told me to do, and venture away from what I shouldn't so that I avoid you current situation. Have agreat night. I'll talk to you soon.
Need some advice. D birthday as well as d'in laws. Wife had me pick up cake mix to ake a cake, she says se has no money. she knew about the birthdys last week when she got paid. She says my D wanted money for her b'day. she has not asked for me to get a card for either or asked if I should have her name on my cards. I am thinking I will not put her name on the cards as she should have put money aside to get them gifts or cards last week. she even mentioned to me last week that she has to get something for their b'days this week. Am I being to picky?
It's your DAUGHTER'S birthday? Get her a gift from "Dad".
And your daughter's IN LAWS????
That has nothing to do with you and your wife - but if you're all close or something, get them something that's just from you.
If you mean YOUR in-laws - call them and say Happy Birthday. That should be enough unless you TYPICALLY do something special in which case the burden does not fall on you because you are SEPARATED from their daughter. It falls on her. You can just make a phone call and i'm sure that will mean a lot to them. Avoid talking about the relationship though.
Regardless of how all that plays out, your wife needs to stop picking and choosing which parts of real life she wants to participate in.
She can't just galavant all over town as if she's single one minute and then when something that requires money comes up, suddenly get to be part of a "couple" again.
My Daughter in law. But i think the same rule applies. I am thinking the same thing. This willbe my first anti-doormat action. I know it would be "nice of me", but she knew last week when she spoke with me and mentioned my daughters b'day. Seems to me she shoudl have put money aside for both of them for a card or gift or whatever. I am giving them both cards with money from "Dad". and I'll write something nice for each as I always do. I just didn't feel right, and I don't want to look like a pri@# or anything. But the truth is, why should I, I feel the same, if she is single in her mind, then single she is, there is no us right now. thanks Amy, how have you been?
I am at the point where I appear to be doing the after LRT. Am I moving too fast, should I keep some level of communication from me at this point in time or leave it up to her solely? The reason I am asking is that the book refers to communication at a very high level, if I am too dark, then I am gone before I start. I am just getting confused because I think I am moving too fast. We will be together tonite and I will be my cordial self, laughing and joking and being me. But i may not see her again until thanksgiving, end to doubt it as she is always at my house for one thing or another. i was thinking of avoiding her when she is there, but I am redirecting my thoughts to "if she is there and I am there then the contact is initiated by her and I should respond with my new charming self". I was thinking of driving around until she left, totally dark, but it doesn' sound favorable to my situation. AmyC, Sandi, karlah, tgone, any thoughts....
Well my wife never showed to bake my D b'day cake, she made it herself. This after she text me and said she would bake the cake if I bought the mix. My D was a little upset to say the least. W was here all bubbly and going through the house looking for tissue paper while I sorted my bills for filing and which ones need to be paid. She called someone while we were all at the table after having cake and said "OK I'll meet you around quarter of, I don't care wherever" Must've been making plans to go out tonight after telling me she has no money to buy cake mix.
Really frosted my ass what she did tonight, D said it was OK, like you told me, we can't depend on her for anything right now. she bought my D a couple of nice tops. She also called my older D about getting together on Sunday to see her father. My D told her to call later on and not during her lunch so they can talk. W got all defensive and my D let her have it. D also told my wife that I am taking my grandson overnight Saturday at my camp. She said to make sure he has warm clothes it willbe cold. D snapped at her saying she knows, I'm a good mother, I know how to take care of my family. Dad knows how to take care of my son, I'm not worried.
Older D has had it with her snuggling up with this idiot, younger D has just had it with her broken promises and forgetting everything. Son didn't come over because she was here. Nuff said.
Breaks my heart, she looked good, making plans to go out while I am home taking care of things. she walks around here like she lives here. I don't see how she would ever want to leave her current life. She does whatever she wants without any of the headaches. I am watching the medical and dental bills and she has been told that she will be responsible for any overages to my insurance, I am not paying them. Also, reminded her that the first of the year is coming and she needs to get health insurance or pay me $55 a week.
I wasn't the upbeat, happy go lucky guy while she was here. I did my thing sorting out my bills, while she wrapped the D presents. That means she went to the store before coming here. She got her hands on money somehow, maybe her mother I think. I was sitting at the table talking with my D and her friends, my BIL and her somewhat, but not directly. She did say bye to me, which was kind of a shock. Not sure the dark treatment caused it, but I got a bye which I usually don't get. nothing to write home about.
feel like crap, and I don't know how I feel right now, hurt, mad, angry, lost, empty or what. Feel good sorting my bills. Pile ws building up but I haven't been filing them so she may have been thinking oh-oh, no bills getting paid, he's slipping. I don't know. feel like she may have been acting all wild and happy for the D because she never showed to make the cake. My D's friend ssaid it isn''t right that her mom didn't make her cake. I would've bought one for crying out loud. I think that sucks. Feel locked in again, but I did laundry and picked up, doing filing like I said. these things need to be done and out of the way. Once I get it done I'll set a routine to take care of it. weekend plans are under way. Pisses me off seeing her happy in her life, at least when she's around me. I usually do the same around her, so touche...But still...If she says anything to my d she told me she will tell her that Dad was mad you didn't come over to make my cake like you saidf you would, Gotta love my kids....
Hey Dude, you are playing the fool. You look like an a$$. You're W thinks you are an a$$. What is it about your wife is banging another guy you don't understand?
Enough with the soft touch and all the touchy feely crap. Are you freakin pissed off yet?
Too much drama, guy. It is time to grow a pair. You don't need this women.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Yeah I am plenty pissed off and have been for while. All this still sucks. The pain is as real now as it was when the bomb dropped. I atone my attitude towards her Tuesday night and lat night to that. I ignored her just shy of getting in my truck and leaving. If it wasn't my D b'Day I would have.
And no, I don't need this woman, I want her. sorry to say that I stil want her. My hope is she sees the light. I am moving forward and getting some things done that I have wanted done for a while. I am forcing myself not to stay in, but the past couple of nights I had projects and once they were done I was spent. All this raw emotion is new to me still and its been 9 weeks. Trust me I am plenty mad and pissed off, if I had a female companion that I could talk with and spend time with then I don't know if I would be as soft on her as I am. I do know that has ended, me being soft on her. I think the reason I couldn't be all happy and carefree around her last night is because I am back to bein me and the real me doesn't act happy when he isn't! Plain and simple, if I'm in a bad mood, then I am in a bad mood. I will wait and see what this attitue has done in reards t anything from her, but it isn't an act, it is very real that I am hurt when I am around her, I don't feel very good and I want to slap her and tell her to wake up and smell the damn coffee. Thanks for your feedback.
Heading to my camp tonight to close it all up for the season.. Wife's name has officially been taken off the site. All bills are mine, not that they werent to begin with. Picking up a firend of mine who also camps down there, we'll do a little work, have us a nice fire, and have a couple. I'll have wine, he'll have beer. Still sticking to my guns, so I only have a glass of wine or two every now and then.
Get my grandson tomorrow, very excited. He called me to ask if we are doing work so he can bring his tools, he is 4 years old. Asked if it is just me and him. I said Yep, just us and the ranch gang. He loves my friends and they love him.
A friend of mine signed me up for all kinds on online dating sites. I can getting plastered with emails. He didn't pay for them, but I guess they can still get in touch with me. I think my friends are trying to tell me something. LOL....
Not really interested at this point in time, but I do find myself looking. country line dance lessons on Monday night. found out the instructor knows my friend who is the Country Western Singer of the year for the Massachusetts Country wester Music Association. Cool...I will force myself to go. I'm sure I'll have a blast and will meet new poeple who do't live so far away. the place where they are having the lessons is less than 2 miles from my house.
