I was unfaithful

[sandi2]

Hi Max, sorry that I'm just now getting back with you. In trying to catch up with your stitch, it reminded me of another one that has experienced being the WAW and going back home and having a short "honeymoon" and then the H walks out. It is almost like it just "hit" him and he can't take the shame of it all. Some people are like that. It is like they have this "role model" that they have to live up to and anything that blimishes that model is more than they can take. I am talking about myself to some degree here also b/c I have been in what you might consider a role model position, but then we all are if we have children, family, or anyone in our lives b/c we do not want to disappoint them.

Anyway in going through your posts, I thought I would just comment of some things said:

How can I feel it , if I don't experience it. I feel I have taken full responsibility. I know I made the choice to have an A and I am and have been so sorry

We WAW's don't know what it is like for our H's and even though we are so sorry for hurting them and even though we do accept our responsibility for our choice to get involved with OM, I believe it takes a long time for the healing (for both H & W) to take place. It has been two years ago this month that I first got involved with OM in an online EA. Sounds so "cheap" doesn't it? But, anyway, just this past week, I was finally able to get to the point that I could talk a little bit to my H. So, that is what I mean by taking a looooong time. We tried at first back after the "blowup", but it was just too raw for me at that time. I stayed, but as I told you before, it wasn't b/c I really wanted to.

Don't mean to discourage you by saying this, just trying to prepare you. I may be completely wrong by thinking that couples try to make up too quickly without a time for healing--and they believe that they will make it b/c one confessed of an A and one forgave the other one (or so they thought)......only to discover it isn't quite that simple. I think that the anger, resentment, bitterness, and all the other bad feelings toward the WAS was just being pushed down inside the heart of the LBS until it finally brust through and they could not deal with being in the same house with the wayward spouse any longer. (Don't you just hate that term, "wayward spouse"?)

He knows it will upset me and has even said that he has no wish for anyone else other than us 4 to know. ( hence the fear of him discovering this site - seems disrespectful to his wishes } He said he is embarassed enough with people knowing I had EA with ths guy. I know OMW - as does H. She will be so angry and she is like a ticking time bomb anyway, I know she will scream it from the roof top.

The great thing about this site is that everyone is hidden behind a nickname. Nobody knows what part of the world you live in unless you say and nobody knows how you look, who your family is, who you work for or anything else unless you tell. That is why we can be so free and open to say things we wouldn't otherwise say to anyone. We have had couples on here at the same time. Once couple was so cute and I wish they were back. They would even talk to each other on this site. They had a lot of people supporting them.

I do see something in you that I think I know about myself and that is that we do not want to become vulnerable by being exposed to our children or anyone else about what we have done. I have gone around and around this issue with some others here on the board about "exposure" of affairs. In rare cases, I can see the need to do that in order to put an end to it.....but not often. I see no point of innocent family members getting hurt when this should be something private between the H and W and sometimes the S of the other persons involved. Now if it is out in the public being gossiped about and you have children, then it probably needs to be told to them if they are old enough. It depends on the stitch. My greatest fear was my children finding out, then the Church, then people I work with, then what few friends we have. I know I deserved whatever I got as far as being embarrased, but still I did not want it exposed b/c it wasn't anyone's business except mine and my H's. (OM was not M.) But, it makes me feel very vulnerable to know that there is this "secret" that could be exposed any time and then nobody would have respect for me. As I told you in my first post, I have always been seen as the strong one in the family and the last one to do what I did. It would shock and hurt and disappoint a lot of people if they found out. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite or maybe that means I am trying to protect those I love. But, we sure learn a lot of lessons, don't we?

The way I look at exposing things like this is that most people have some type of "secret" that they would not want the world to know about. They either look at porn, masterbate until they can't walk, have a secret crush on somebody and fantasize about them, gamble, drink behind closed doors, shop lift,........something that is hidden away in their "closet" that they had rather not show up in the headlines in the local newpaper. And, you know what? I had just as soon not know that stuff about the people I know. But affairs make good gossip at the office, in the neighborhood, at family gatherings, and when friends have cook-outs. It's also a keen way of punishing the "wayward spouse".

Will telling help H ?
Is doing this important to his healing ?

No, it won't help him at all. He just feels vindictive right now. He may feel a little self-righteous at the time he is telling another person, but who of us can throw the first stone? I know of nobody, but my H! (joke)....

If he does tell and then the two of you get back together, he will be very sorry that he opened his mouth. B/c when/if he does tell, then he has to live with that decision for the rest of his life. If he goes back to you, then he will know he did his share of hurt and damage to you and the M. If he doesn't go back to you, he will have to always wonder if it could have been saved if he had kept his mouth shut.

I grieved for the loss of this relatonship once before. I need to be strong enough at the time to rebuff and I think that if H does do this , then I am going to be so upset an possibly vulnerable.

Yep, and I know exactly what you mean by that statement. Too bad your H doesn't!

Any suggestions as to what I could say to H to prevent this ( if you think it should be prevented )?

Probably nothing that you haven't already thought of or tried. It is basically up to him now. BTW, does your children know about the A?

There have been several LBS that have told their teenage children (and some that were not teenagers) about W's A, saying that the kids had a right to know that the LBS would never lie to them, etc. Well, that is every individual's decision, but I still think it is a act of vindictivness and/or pressure on the wayward spouse. I still think it should be a M problem kept between the H and W. Perhaps it is how I was raised, that couples did not air their dirty laundry for everyone to see. If there is a D and the children want to know why, then that would be the time to give them the reason behind the breakup, but to tell children in order to "force" an A to stop and have the wayward spouse to come back home? I don't see it. What if the wayward spouse gives up the A and goes home, what does the LBS have??

One of the hardest things I did was to keep from telling my grandson the truth behind his parents D. However, when he got old enough, he figured it out on his own. Nobody had to tell him. I did come very close though and it was b/c I was so angry at the parent that did the wrong, so that is why I believe it is out of an act of vindictivness when people tell their children about the sins of the other parent....even years down the road. Perhaps there is an appropriate time down the road, when necessary, to tell the kids. Again, there are some rare exceptions. I like the way SPM summed it up. Anyway, that is JMHO, and guess I'm getting off the subject.

It is so hard when couples have the same friends for many years. It is just hard...period. I do believe in DB principles and I have heard a lot of people say that when they finally got the courage to "drop the rope".....that is when their S came back home. Maybe you should consider it. I believe very strongly in detaching and the fact that if your S walks away that he needs to "miss" you. If you are talking to him everyday or he is seeing you at different functions.....then he doesn't have a chance to miss you. So, anyway, those are my thoughts, for whatever they may be worth.

Take care. Hope to hear from you.

Sandi