I just need to vent

[Livin4ME]

((((Corey)))) Thank you. Its so hard.
Phoenix, I'm not saying what I'm doing is right by any means. I appreciate your comments. As far as your sitch goes, if you put forth the effort to make it right with your W, I can guarantee, she will not feel this way.
As far as my sitch goes...my H has spent our whole marriage having affair after affair. Started online before I even met him. Each time I found out, he would promise to stop, but never did. I almost WAW before I got pg with our son. I got pg and we decided to work on it. We moved across the country to 'start fresh'. A year and a pregnancy filled with antepartum depression and numerous affairs later, he WAW. Over the last year since he first left, he has come back about 8 or 9 times. WAW from the OW and coming home to me, only to stay no more than 2 weeks at each time and then going back to her. A week before our D was to be final, he came home after informing me that the OW was pg. We dismissed the D. A few weeks ago, I discovered that he was still carrying on the affair with the OW, even after supposedly miscarrying. She calls me, harrassing me when they have problems.
Where we live now, I have no family or friends. Just his. I haven't worked since the birth of our D at his urging. He gives me just enough money for groceries for a week or 2 weeks at a time. That's it. Spending the rest on the OW, drinking or gambling. We tried C, he stopped going. Over the holidays I was informed of a set of twins that were 5 months younger than our D that he had to take a paternity test on. I've become very close to his family thru all of this and I've discovered that when I was going thru the antepartum depression, he was telling his family that I hated them. I didn't want anything to do with them. Now, he barely talks to them or has anything to do with them by his choice. During the separation, he would take my children to her house to spend the night, telling me they were staying else where. He refused to even tell me where my children were sleeping. My S was afraid to tell me of the things they did when they were with him and I don't know why. Easter Sunday we got into the biggest fight ever, he got into my face and I begged him to hit me because that would've hurt LESS than the words he was saying to me. And it all started because the OW called one of my good friends starting trouble because I wouldn't let him take my children to spend Easter Sunday with her instead of the plans I had to spend it with his family.
After everything, I love my H very much. He is the father of my children. Up until a few weeks ago, I wanted nothing more then to always be married to my H. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
And then it hit me. He is a narcisist. He will never change. He only does things that better himself in his eyes regardless of who gets hurt. His actions have shown that many many times. He will be filing for D again in less than a year because the OW has refused to move with him when he recieves his orders unless he files.
So for the last 7.5 years that we have been married, I have always been 2nd best to him. Everything else has always taken precidence over me. And that will never change. Even before the children came, before the money issues, before all of our problems, that I always gave a 110% to help resolve, I was not what he wanted.
So now all I'm doing is getting back to where my support group is. Getting to a place where I know I will be able to start a real life for me and my children. I will be able to support them. Instead of being in a state that is known for having one of the worst economies, without family or friends, without a home, and my children being 1000 miles away from their father, we will be 2 hours away.
After suffering for my whole entire marriage, giving everything I have to it, taking him back over 9 times, including knowing a baby was on the way, dismissing a D under false pretenses, I deserve to have him take me back to where I want to be.
And in the meantime, all I'm doing is loving him. I'm not kicking him out. I'm not giving him ultimatums. I'm not fighting with him regardless of how many times he tries to instigate it. Because right now, I need him here helping me with our children while I finish my school. Something I need to do in order to provide for my children because he won't.
Just use me as an example. If you are serious about being with your W and working on your M. Do it. Don't play the mind games. Don't come and go. Show your W you love her. Show her she is not 2nd best. Show her that your M is a priority.