Yeah, I just seem to be able to bring out peoples "better" nature.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Lost, Haven't posted in a while, but I have been following along.
I might be way off here, but I think you should pay attention to what your W is complaining about in the marriage and meet her half way in those complaints.
Again, I may be way off, but it kind of reminds me of my sitch. I'm not saying to forget everything she's done and continues to do, but what would be the worst thing to happen if you started acknowledging her complaints and eliminating them from the relationship? She's complained you don't communicate with her, correct? Why not COMMUNICATE with her?
She fired a shot with her lawyer. You fired back showing you're not going to roll over to her demands (excellent btw). And since then, NOTHING said. Why not for the next couple weeks give her nothing to complain about when it comes to communication between you and her about the kids. Heck, maybe even draw up a schedule for the week and say to her "I know we seem to get mixed up when it comes to the kids schedules so I thought I would print out this schedule so there's no confusion" and then give it to her. It could be something as simple as: Monday - S13 Hockey practice 6:15 - 8:15 I will pick him up after practice, return home and then I'm going to the gym....etc. Then say "take a look at it and if anything conflicts with what your plans are, let me know and we can discuss"
I'm not saying to become a doormat with her, but I've been told by many people that even when you're hurting beyond belief and your W (or H) is having lunch with Captain Kirk and the members of the Enterprise that they will still give you clues (or sometimes out and out statements) as to what they were missing and/or need from the marriage. Doesn't justify what they've done, but if you want to save your marriage you have to consider what their complaints are that pushed them that way.
I know a couple times in the heat of an argument that my W said some things about me that I filed away and those are the things I've been working on. I still don't know if we'll make it or not, but even if we don't, in my next relationship I will be that much better of a partner because I "get it". Maybe she will see that you've heard her and are working on making the changes she needs to be comfortable with you.
Just a thought. Maybe you're already doing that stuff. But it seems like your wife is crying out for you to communicate/include her when it comes to the kids. DO IT. You don't have to condone how she's acting, but don't give her a new supply of ammo for her guns.
I like your little truth dart you threw in there. Keep it up.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
been reading your sitch bro. Hopeforus rings it out true. I used my Ws " list" as a guideline to start with....the only downfall ....she is now furious about my changes! Now her complaints are only from the past. She has used the term "you will be better for the next woman" hurts when you hear it.
We have the calender of events on our fridge. 2 girls in cheerleading gets busy. I made a chore chart for the kids a few weeks ago...something I have always talked about and followed thru. I have a actually been "taking charge" of my family lately...not in a controlling way but a manly fatherly way. W acts wierd about it ..kids seem to actually like it!
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
I agree with H4U, Lost. I think there is value and wisdom in that he is just a tiny bit further down your path, and you can learn from each other.
I'm not saying to go overboard and starting pursuing her, or going all "melty man" or needy/grabby, and I don't think H4U is saying that either. But us LBSs do need to guard against being SO firm in our resolve that we give the wayward spouse a sense of hopelessness. She needs to be able to see that you "get it" and that, if she WERE to agree to end all contact and reconcile with you, that there'd be a "new Lost in Space" waiting for here there, and that he's forgiving and more intuitive than ever.
My gut told me the same all of you did. So today I thought things would be different. I took S13 to hockey this morning in a town 15 minutes away. It was an all day goaltender camp that his team provider the shooters for. Not intense at all.
I come back in to city and text W to let her know what is happening. She responds asking why I didn't stay with S13. Before I could respond, she phones.
W: why didn't you stay with S13?
Me: he was ok and there was no other parents from our team so I decided to come and do some things.
W:that is poor parenting to leave him out there without one of us. (Side note - he has been out there by himself before)
me: why is that? He has been alone before. I am heading back after I am done my errands.
W: I don't care what you are doing, that is a poor decision - but it is up to you.
Me: ok thanks - bye.
Frick - nothing can be right. Tonight she won't even watch tv in the same room. Not a surprise.
She is healthy enough now. Operation Bed Reclaim on for tonight...
She leaves for vacation prop on Tuesday. It will be peaceful and fun with the k's.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
You know, I've had that with my H. He once was accusing me of poor parenting when I left S14 and D8 alone for 30 minutes or 45 minutes once of poor parenting (he was there with them but I was going to come home 30 or so minutes after he left to avoid him and I was having fun!!!), so upset, yelling at me. Of course he had left them alone for hours many times to go out with OW when I was in the play. I pointed out that he had done that in the past, and then he said oh, I forgot about that.
I've chatted with others on this board about that, there is a lot of finger-pointing and blaming done by the WAS. Maybe projection? Like cheaters accuse you of cheating, poor parents accuse the other of being a poor parent? Who knows!!!! Karen Karen
