I still believe in miracles

[optimistwife]

You are in my thoughts. I haven't had a chance to post in a few days, but have been following your ups and downs. I guess at some point all of us will come to the point where something has got to happen.

I hope that in your case it is that he wants you home! For a good long time, and then forever.

You are being incredibly strong through all this, even at the times where you have lost it for a few minutes. It happens, and you've picked yourself up and are back in a good (or better) spot.

I hope your husband is able to notice how resilient you are.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt and JCJ,

Thanks...so last night was fine. As expected H came home tipsy at 3AM, but for better or for worse, no R talk. There was ML, then a bit of joking around after. This morning I got up to go jogging, he said bye and joked around a bit.

I'm feeling strange. Just walking now. We've had no talk since that ugly talk on Tuesday, and now I'm home at least for the weekend. Seems like there is so much hanging in the air. I don't know what I should be doing.

Seems like H wants these R talks though, so I need to accept that when he starts them. Surely there will be a talk of dates again at some point soon, and I'm going to have to do a 180 on this, even though every fiber of my being just wants to convince him to give this a chance. Hoping for divine inspiration. I am just so happy to be back in our home with him. I would really do anything to make this work.

OK going to try and get myself into a good "as-if" place before I head home...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,
I was about to sign off and saw your post. Wow, sounds positive then, that your Tuesday night hasnt done any damage!? Funny how he shows up and ML and then wont talk to you about the bigger stuff! But, good that he is still able to do that as that shows he is emotionally connected to you?

I hope it all goes well for you, now that you will be in the same house together for a few days...

Ali xxx

PS: If he starts an R talk? Be open to it! Heres the stars for today:

Friday October 17 – Moon into Gemini
There is a power building now as the Sun starts to form a positive link with the powerful and passionate Pluto. If you want to get something down, this is the day to start talking. Get the conversational ball rolling. Let someone else know what’s on your mind. There are no guarantees you’ll get exactly your heart’s desire but with the Moon in Gemini, Mercury no longer reversing and the powerful link to the Planet Of Change From The Inside Out Pluto, your chances have got to be relatively high!

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Not sure whether the Tuesday talk did damage yet or not, but I am sure I will learn soon enough. Apparently appearances can be very deceiving in my R...I still wonder what he was calling about just before midnight on Wednesday, but I have not mentioned that late night call. Last night he was pretty drunk, so the ML was to be expected I guess, and it was not one of those "affectionate" interludes to say the least...now he's just gotten out of bed and started by joking around with me, calling upstairs and asking things like "why is your butt so big?" This is one of the little jokes he's always made...we're having lots of back and forth banter--seems so normal, of course he did this on Tuesday too, and when I said that it seemed like everything was going well, he said that I shouldn't assume things, and that maybe we weren't a good fit.

Thanks for the astrological tip! Seems so incredibly fitting with my sitch and where we are at right this moment. I feel like there is so much that went unsaid all summer that really shouldn't have. Yes, I think he will start an R talk in one way or another, may start with the dates again. I have not yet decided how I will react if so. I know, validate, so I will do this, but there are also some things that I really want, and I think that in some ways it actually works for me to ask in these conversations if I can remain calm and not get that weepy tone in my voice. If there is a part of him that is acting positive, I may steer the conversation toward living together. I think I somehow did this with the trial living thing, though to be honest I've blacked out a lot of that conversation as it was so painful, but we are calling this his idea. So it seems to be that I can plant a seed, but then he needs to verbalize it, or otherwise I am controlling.

I do have expectations for today. I know others will tell me not to, but I am seeing these in line with the Secret and asking for what I want, rather than expecting certain specific events. That is, I do somehow expect that meaningful communication will come up, but I am not sure why, how, or when exactly. All I can do from my side is to remain as positive as possible, and do my own thing as much as possible. I am not going to force that communication, but I will be open to it if it does happen. I may make a nice dinner or something, as this could be conducive to setting the atmosphere for a positive evening.

OK H is in the shower, and I think I'll wait about 30 minutes after he gets out and then go do something...

ITH

[istherehope]

Hmm so just to follow up, H just left for work. I thought he was working from home today, but as he's not, then I don't feel pressured to go do activities so this is nice.

It's WEIRD I tell you! He came upstairs and said if I was going to the store could I pick up these things on his grocery list and anything else I think "we might need". Of course I am not sure whether to read this as that we might need for the weekend or possibly beyond this? He even said "bye Baby asshead." Again, asshead is one of our nicknames for each other, but adding the baby part makes it seem somewhat sweet...

One thought that crossed my mind is that if he never brought up dates again I could end up sort of "de facto" living here. It was what Jody had originally suggested, then it didn't seem to make sense, but now it sort of does seem to make sense again. This way he would save face by never backing down from his stance. I don't know, he's just such a talkative WAS, but stranger things have happened...

I asked him if he wanted something for dinner tonight, and he said that he might be taking the new guy at work out to dinner tonight, so I did a 180 and said that was cool, whereas in the past I would have been really annoyed at him going out on a Friday instead of hanging out with me. He then joked around that I could just have his second dinner ready and waiting for him.

Honestly I just feel like something has shifted in a good way. Everything is so light and jokey and comfortable. I do realize though that if I were to ask he might still spew about it, so need instead to try and build on the comfort.

Please think good thoughts for me everyone. I feel like this is a pivotal moment, and I want to do everything I can from my side to make it go as well as possible.

ITH

[JCJ]

(((ITH)))

I just have a quick moment

Everything is so light and jokey and comfortable.

That is so great, keep on with this and make him feel safe - make a list of the good stuff that's happening, that way if he does spew you can go back and look at the positives.

[istherehope]

Thanks Julia!

Yes I need to remember that the actions matter more than the specific words, but also not push him into a corner where he feels compelled to say damaging things or make decisions.

Positives so far...

1) Joking around
2) Nickname use
3) Using "we" when talking about groceries
4) ML
5) Asking me to do errands for the house (I see this as togetherness rather than taking advantage of me)
6) Joked around about a mutual friend--hasn't brought up mutual friends since the bomb

Going to try and be in a really strong place by the time he gets home. Funny, I don't even need to spend much time with him, I just like the security of having our home together, crossing my fingers that he will see how well this can work...

ITH

[optimistwife]

wonderful!

Take things day by day, but it sounds very positive. Keep your list of good things going. You are inspiring me to be strong and have a great day, no matter what.

off to start my day...

[Separated]

ITH~ WOW!!! Sounds like things have started off pretty darn good!! I'm very happy for you and quite envious!!!

Have a great day and continue doing what you are doing!!!

[istherehope]

Thanks Sep and Opt...

As you can imagine I am still nervous. I think I may be going overboard with the stuff I've been doing around the house today too. I'm baking bread, folded and put away H's clothes that were in the dryer, cleaned our room a bit, cleaned the bathroom, and did the dishes. I want it to feel like my home again, but not in such an obvious way that H will be annoyed. Still housework is a 180 for me, so I don't think I cn go overboard too much...I made lunch plans with a friend tomorrow so that I wouldn't just be hanging around, even though it is what I'd like to do as I'm emotionally exhausted.

On IM H said we should hang out a bit tomorrow after he finishes studying and exercising...could mean R talk, hopefully it just means doing some activity together. I know I am on trial right now, or more I should say he is trying to figure out if he could be in love with me, and the R itself is on trial.

So I think he is going to dinner tonight, hasn't told me whether he is or isn't for sure, but I will just assume that he is and not expect him home at any particular time. In a way I prefer him to be out as it alleviates the pressure for both of us. I've put on a pair of pants I know he likes, put my hair in pony tails, and put on a top that he likes too. I'm listening to music and my hope is that he will come home and see me happy and somehow this will make him happier too, or at least make him see possibilities...

Anyway, I am acting "as-if" we are in this new and healthy relationship now, so please keep sending those good vibes that it manifests in this way!!!!

ITH