I needed to sneak on before bed . Kids are all in bed now, including D11. I laid in her bed with her for at least one hour. We wrote "questions and answers " to each other. It really helped her express her feelings in a calm manner.
My first question to her was "how do you feel right NOW" She wrote back "I feel ashamed"
I wrote, "what are you ashamed of?" she writes, "that I been bad to you and dad. and sometimes I dont feel happy about my hearing aids. I also say I want to kill myself when I get mad at my mom, but I wont do it, though I just feel lke I want to. I dont like to hurt my mom, but I keep doing it, but I cant help it very much b/c I think Im a demon"
I write, "what makes you so angry about me and dad?" she writes "you make me angry about stuff....oh I dont know,its hard to explain, but there is a reason why I get mad at you but its hard to explain"
then she writes "how do YOU feel right now? I write "lonely, depressed. overwhelmed and exhausted"
I write "what do you pray to God for at night when you go to bed?" she writes "I tell him sorry for the bad things I have done to you and say my wishes that I want to make 100% on any test, and to watch over daddy"
then she writes " what do you pray for at night?" I write "I pray for God to keep me strong and patient. I pray for my marriage. I pray for him to comfort and bless you and your brothers And I pray for daddy that he will be happy and safe. I also pray to forgive and to be forgiven" (T2L - MY little prayer list!)
she writes "how do you feel at work?" I write "eventhough I often wish I didnt have to work, I am thankful for a good job and the ability to help heal sick babies. I also enjoy my friends at work"
I write "how do you feel at school" she writes" I feel frustrated because we keep moving along with work, we never even stop to go by the restroom, UHH!"
AND FINALLY, I write "what do you wish for 1 year from now?" she writes "I wish I wont act like a demon again. I wish our family is always happy and that we wont cry again"
And with that , we cuddled , said our prayers and good night kisses. I feel blessed we didnt go to bed hurt and angry. That's all I could ask for tonight. She draws so much of my attention with her behavior, I am afraid my 2S are left out. They hold too much in. I will be scheduling individual and family counseling sessions for the kids today. hope, I agree that part of this problem is puberty. No she has not started her period yet, but she is DEFINITELY PMSing! I just know it wouldnt be this extreme if our family wasnt suffering right now, yet H barely seems to acknowledge that fact. Hope, thanks for your support. I hope your D is handling it better. Now that H has moved out, it sounds like he's still around the house quite a bit though. My H wont hardly step foot in the house anymore unless he absolutely has to. He doesnt even hardly pet the dog anymore.
T2l thank you for the encouraging post, you deserve a little in return. My hope is waning b/c sometimes Im just not sure what I want anymore. Maybe Im just as confused as H. He is SO good at turning over that blame - and so cold too. I would kill right now for any kind of touch from H. Even just a sincere smile.FYI, "IDLYA" was June 18 and he left the next day. So 4months for me. Today is 16th wedding anniversary, so this is not helping at the moment.As far as books, I have read everything I could possibly get my hands on, including DR of course. Right now I am reading "When the Vow Breaks" by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The author is a Christian atty and reluctant divorcee whose wife strayed and wanted the D. It gives a biblical perspective on D, encourages reconcilliation 1st and foremost, but if that is not possible,gives advice on coping with anger, depression and lonliness as well as caring for children, managing finances, and resolving legal issues. Some people may not want the biblical point of view which is why I mention it, but it gives a wonderful interpretation of God's plan for marriage and his view on D. I still have a way to go with the book. It is very emotional for me to read.
Again, thanks so much for being there. I know I started off strong in some of my earlier posts. Im in a bad slump emotionally right now so bear with me. One day at a time. And my song of inspiration "Jesus Take the Wheel" by C Underwood.
Good night, sweet dreams
me -36 H-38 T -21yr M- 16yr TODAY S11 and D11 (twins) S14 June 18 - IDLYA June 19 - H moved out July 4 _ H admitted EA and asked for D H consulted atty over 1 month ago Praying not to be "served"
