How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[Sam1007]

I have been brwosing the forum for about 4 months now, just got registered and decided I needed some more specific advice to my sitch. Hope this isn't too long and discourages everybody from reading through it all!

Here it is:

I think it all started with me getting into a depression about my career outlook. That was somewhere late 06 I think, it's hard to tell because you just can't pinpoint when that stuff starts. I was just not sure where it all was going and so I felt kinda lost. I now realize it had all the signs of an MLC, but not as deep, so I call it a "mini MLC". Anyways, this most likely caused me to not pay as much attention to my wife as I used to and I think she took this as rejection from me. I guess I did feel her distancing herself from me, because my "feeling lost" got worse. (around spring/summer 07) I am honestly convinced that somehow I knew that she wasn't the cause of it, but I can understand how she would take my behaviour as rejection. Also around this time, she is working on starting up a new business on the side of her full-time job. This is causing her to spend a lot of what used to be our "free time", i.e. evenings and weekends working, leaving little time for us to do stuff together (esp with 4 yr old twins)

About August 07, I start getting out of it, because I realize I can just enjoy the present without getting overly concerned about the future (as far as my career is concerned). My wife actually opened a shop that month and I can contribute by working on building stuff there, doing the lighting, painting, etc.. etc.. This makes me feel better because I can contribute in a more direct way instead of just keepng the kids out of the way at home, which is what I had one before that (Spring to Aug). However, my interactions with my wife started feeling a little off. I do all this work in her shop, which is her dream BTW, so I thought that would make her feel really good. But she didn't seem very grateful, at least that's how it felt to me. She would keep a blog about the progress on the place and there was no mention of me anywhere in there.

I should also mention that she has been a woman of "full figure" since we met. This never bothered me, I always thought she was attractive. But she had a very low self-esteem due to this and when I would say that she looked good, she would tell me that I am just saying that because I feel have to since she is my wife. Since early 07, she has been on a medication that makes her lose appetite and therefore weight (she lost 70lbs!). It seemed like her self-confidence was getting better and better and she would enjoy dressing up, which is something she never really felt like even though I tried to encourage her by helping her find clothes that look good on her. I do tend to think this boost in self-confidence had something to do with me "snapping"out of my "mini MLC". Who knows....

Another little sidenote: Every couple of years, I have to travel overseas for work for a couple of months. Sometimes it's 4-5 trips of 1 or 2 weeks over 3 months, sometimes it's 1 trip of 2 months. Nov and Dec 07 were gonna be a 2 month trip for me for work. In Oct 07, she told me ILYBNILWY. This comes as a complete shock to me, esp since I was just starting to feel better about life and everything. She said that she still sees me as her very best friend ever, someone that understands her better than anyone, but when we ML, she feels like ML to her brother. The feelings just aren't there anymore and this is making her extremely uncomfortable. She said that she can't turn her feelings back on like a light switch as I did.

So I go on my 2 month trip and it is literally he!! having to be away in this situation. We email and text and she told me that it all came about because I wasn't supportive of her business and several other things. I will honestly admit that I was a little pessimistic about the business initiative because it didn't seem that the market she's trying to reach is there in that location, but mostly because it would take away a lot of our free time to spend as a family. But once I could contribute (building stuff, lights etc...) I did feel better about it and thought it was very worthwile to try. I email her several long letters back explaining my viewpoints and how I was trying to support her. She keeps responding that I say all the right things now, but it still isn't bringing her feelings back.

When I come back (late Dec 07), she seems really close and loving
and we ML several times until Feb 07, when she tells me that it really doesn't feel right and she just can't ML anymore. From Feb till June we basically live a friendship (or roommates) kind of life during which we always have lots of fun when we do stuff together and with the kids. I am trying to be upbeat as much as possible, to the point where she asks: "How can you be so happy in this situation?". I just tell her that I am trying to show her how I can be to live with (after my depression) and who wants to live with a person that's miserable?? However, every couple of weeks R talks happen during which she says nothing has changed as far as her feelings are concerned. Late June she told me she found a house to rent (available until Dec she said) and was going to live there. We would share the kids and we split all of our bills except for gas money, car insurance and payment, and the kids daycare.

The first couple of weeks, we have very little contact and I am trying as hard as I can to not pursue her (been reading here quite a bit at that point! After a while she contacts me more and more, we go on dates and have a great time (she says so too). Every time we see each other, she hugs me tight and kisses me. Lately, she asks for my advice on business stuff, then even takes my advice (which I took as a pretty good step forward). Then last Monday, she brings up R talk and says that her feelings still haven't changed. I am really convinced that she herself doesn't understand why this is. She seems to care for me very deeply and even says so, but the intimate feelings are not there. I also don't think she's happier now than before. For one thing, she's having trouble paying all of her bills for her house in addition to starting the business that's costing money right now. She also asked if I would want her to move back in and be roommates again, to which I responded that I would want her to move back in because she WANTS to move back in. I sort of broke down a little bit at that point and told her that I still love her very much and that I miss her and that the door is always open if she wants to come back.

Last weekend, I went out with the kids and my SIL, my BIL and all of their kids (my wife was working at her shop). We stayed for dinner at my MIL and FIL's house with SIL. They are asking me how it's going and I tell them how it is going. They all say that they don't understand what she's doing and that they think I have unbelievable patience (good to have for DB'íng! ) I defend her by saying that I have done things wrong too and that W and I both share the blame for being in this sitch. But now, her parents and sister are getting into it and take my side, calling her to tell her she's making a big mistake, that she can't take care of herself (bills) etc.. etc.. THis leads to tonight when W tells me that she feels like I have been complaining behind her back... Feels like a HUGE setback compared to recent weeks...

Need some advice and hopefully encouragement that I am on the right way.. Does this sound like WAW? She does try to spend time with the kids, esp lately. Or is it a MLC? I keep getting the feeling she's going through something similar to me, except I never felt the relationship was the casue of my unhappiness.

Thanks for reading my life story!!
S