Ahhhhhh This stuff drives me crazy. Used to be simple every day decsion. Now its trying to do best thing.
I dont know what to do. I lean towards waiting for him to invite....but my motives for this are not good. Fuels my feelng of poor me poor me if he does not ask. It takes away any feelings of empathy towards H. Not good
Well, I see your point and I can see where my W has had enough of trying to prove her loyalty to me. I thought I had let it go; but all the nights out with GFs and then the texting to OMs. Just made me bitter and resentful and she just acted like she didn't care. Then she just gave up, and the sad part I was relieved.
I think my main concern now is how the kid sitch ends up. She's been with far too many men now for me to have any attraction toward her.
Do you think he'll invite you? does he give off a vibe that he might? Is he concerned at all that he would want all your common friends and family to believe that all is normal within your M? If he is, seems like he would invite then? But I don't know him, you do. Just curiosity questions!
Do you think he'll invite you? does he give off a vibe that he might? Is he concerned at all that he would want all your common friends and family to believe that all is normal within your M? If he is, seems like he would invite then? But I don't know him, you do. Just curiosity questions!
I think what he will do, is ring and say what time are you going to Steves - or some round of bout way like that.
He is pretty mixed up rght now, we acted like married people living in seperate houses all last year. He took a little flack with this as people said 'for gods sake get over this and move back home ' This was a strange seperation and nor did we really make any progress as a couple.
So maybe he is trying something different this time. So maybe he wont invite... we will soon know.
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She's been with far too many men now for me to have any attraction toward her.
That is sad. She is onviously a lost soul.
Never say never married crazy. She may do a complete turn around back to you yet and you may be open to salvaging something from the mess
Hi Max, sorry that I'm just now getting back with you. In trying to catch up with your stitch, it reminded me of another one that has experienced being the WAW and going back home and having a short "honeymoon" and then the H walks out. It is almost like it just "hit" him and he can't take the shame of it all. Some people are like that. It is like they have this "role model" that they have to live up to and anything that blimishes that model is more than they can take. I am talking about myself to some degree here also b/c I have been in what you might consider a role model position, but then we all are if we have children, family, or anyone in our lives b/c we do not want to disappoint them.
Anyway in going through your posts, I thought I would just comment of some things said:
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How can I feel it , if I don't experience it. I feel I have taken full responsibility. I know I made the choice to have an A and I am and have been so sorry
We WAW's don't know what it is like for our H's and even though we are so sorry for hurting them and even though we do accept our responsibility for our choice to get involved with OM, I believe it takes a long time for the healing (for both H & W) to take place. It has been two years ago this month that I first got involved with OM in an online EA. Sounds so "cheap" doesn't it? But, anyway, just this past week, I was finally able to get to the point that I could talk a little bit to my H. So, that is what I mean by taking a looooong time. We tried at first back after the "blowup", but it was just too raw for me at that time. I stayed, but as I told you before, it wasn't b/c I really wanted to.
Don't mean to discourage you by saying this, just trying to prepare you. I may be completely wrong by thinking that couples try to make up too quickly without a time for healing--and they believe that they will make it b/c one confessed of an A and one forgave the other one (or so they thought)......only to discover it isn't quite that simple. I think that the anger, resentment, bitterness, and all the other bad feelings toward the WAS was just being pushed down inside the heart of the LBS until it finally brust through and they could not deal with being in the same house with the wayward spouse any longer. (Don't you just hate that term, "wayward spouse"?)
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He knows it will upset me and has even said that he has no wish for anyone else other than us 4 to know. ( hence the fear of him discovering this site - seems disrespectful to his wishes } He said he is embarassed enough with people knowing I had EA with ths guy. I know OMW - as does H. She will be so angry and she is like a ticking time bomb anyway, I know she will scream it from the roof top.
The great thing about this site is that everyone is hidden behind a nickname. Nobody knows what part of the world you live in unless you say and nobody knows how you look, who your family is, who you work for or anything else unless you tell. That is why we can be so free and open to say things we wouldn't otherwise say to anyone. We have had couples on here at the same time. Once couple was so cute and I wish they were back. They would even talk to each other on this site. They had a lot of people supporting them.
I do see something in you that I think I know about myself and that is that we do not want to become vulnerable by being exposed to our children or anyone else about what we have done. I have gone around and around this issue with some others here on the board about "exposure" of affairs. In rare cases, I can see the need to do that in order to put an end to it.....but not often. I see no point of innocent family members getting hurt when this should be something private between the H and W and sometimes the S of the other persons involved. Now if it is out in the public being gossiped about and you have children, then it probably needs to be told to them if they are old enough. It depends on the stitch. My greatest fear was my children finding out, then the Church, then people I work with, then what few friends we have. I know I deserved whatever I got as far as being embarrased, but still I did not want it exposed b/c it wasn't anyone's business except mine and my H's. (OM was not M.) But, it makes me feel very vulnerable to know that there is this "secret" that could be exposed any time and then nobody would have respect for me. As I told you in my first post, I have always been seen as the strong one in the family and the last one to do what I did. It would shock and hurt and disappoint a lot of people if they found out. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite or maybe that means I am trying to protect those I love. But, we sure learn a lot of lessons, don't we?
The way I look at exposing things like this is that most people have some type of "secret" that they would not want the world to know about. They either look at porn, masterbate until they can't walk, have a secret crush on somebody and fantasize about them, gamble, drink behind closed doors, shop lift,........something that is hidden away in their "closet" that they had rather not show up in the headlines in the local newpaper. And, you know what? I had just as soon not know that stuff about the people I know. But affairs make good gossip at the office, in the neighborhood, at family gatherings, and when friends have cook-outs. It's also a keen way of punishing the "wayward spouse".
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Will telling help H ? Is doing this important to his healing ?
No, it won't help him at all. He just feels vindictive right now. He may feel a little self-righteous at the time he is telling another person, but who of us can throw the first stone? I know of nobody, but my H! (joke)....
If he does tell and then the two of you get back together, he will be very sorry that he opened his mouth. B/c when/if he does tell, then he has to live with that decision for the rest of his life. If he goes back to you, then he will know he did his share of hurt and damage to you and the M. If he doesn't go back to you, he will have to always wonder if it could have been saved if he had kept his mouth shut.
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I grieved for the loss of this relatonship once before. I need to be strong enough at the time to rebuff and I think that if H does do this , then I am going to be so upset an possibly vulnerable.
Yep, and I know exactly what you mean by that statement. Too bad your H doesn't!
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Any suggestions as to what I could say to H to prevent this ( if you think it should be prevented )?
Probably nothing that you haven't already thought of or tried. It is basically up to him now. BTW, does your children know about the A?
There have been several LBS that have told their teenage children (and some that were not teenagers) about W's A, saying that the kids had a right to know that the LBS would never lie to them, etc. Well, that is every individual's decision, but I still think it is a act of vindictivness and/or pressure on the wayward spouse. I still think it should be a M problem kept between the H and W. Perhaps it is how I was raised, that couples did not air their dirty laundry for everyone to see. If there is a D and the children want to know why, then that would be the time to give them the reason behind the breakup, but to tell children in order to "force" an A to stop and have the wayward spouse to come back home? I don't see it. What if the wayward spouse gives up the A and goes home, what does the LBS have??
One of the hardest things I did was to keep from telling my grandson the truth behind his parents D. However, when he got old enough, he figured it out on his own. Nobody had to tell him. I did come very close though and it was b/c I was so angry at the parent that did the wrong, so that is why I believe it is out of an act of vindictivness when people tell their children about the sins of the other parent....even years down the road. Perhaps there is an appropriate time down the road, when necessary, to tell the kids. Again, there are some rare exceptions. I like the way SPM summed it up. Anyway, that is JMHO, and guess I'm getting off the subject.
It is so hard when couples have the same friends for many years. It is just hard...period. I do believe in DB principles and I have heard a lot of people say that when they finally got the courage to "drop the rope".....that is when their S came back home. Maybe you should consider it. I believe very strongly in detaching and the fact that if your S walks away that he needs to "miss" you. If you are talking to him everyday or he is seeing you at different functions.....then he doesn't have a chance to miss you. So, anyway, those are my thoughts, for whatever they may be worth.
Take care. Hope to hear from you.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Firstly my Children know that OM and myself had an inappropriate relationship. No details given. They saw the destructive nasty way I dealt with there father in the early days - telling him I did not love hum etc etc. They saw him cry and breakdown. Then fortunitly I did a turn around and for the pat couple of years they have wayched me fight for M. To my credit.
Good choice of words with the honeymoon period. That is exactly what it felt like. I told the truth- confirmed his worse fears - he thought that was all he needed- he came home - he underestimated his hurt - he left.
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It is like they have this "role model" that they have to live up to and anything that blimishes that model is more than they can take
It is as if you know my H. Thay has been his problem in many areas of his life and I have a daughert exhibiting the same traits. He would never of handled failure in his business , he hates the thought of offending someone ( except me apparently )
Which begs the question - why does he want to expose.
The problem I always had with my H down through our years together and raising a family, was that he never was the "bad guy" with the kids or with the relatives or in any other relatonships (friends, church, etc.) and after so many years of him coming out smelling like a rose and me like poop.....well, I resented it a lot. Don't know why I brought that up except that I wonder if your H wants everyone to be sure to realize that you are the "bad guy" in this story and not him. If he has always appeared to be that way in most things or if he has always been the people pleaser. I don't know, just guessing, but I still think it goes back to wanting to punish you for being so naughty and this is the worst punishment he can think of. If only he would be able to look into the future at the whole picture when the results of what he does comes into play. I would like to think if he is a desent man that he would not to that to his family. It isn't just you that will be hurt by this exposure, but I think his pain is not allowing him to think it through. Maybe some other man friend or somebody that has good influence on him can get through with some logic b/c your H is acting out of emotions now instead of being rational.
Anyway, you know we are here anytime you need to yell.
Sandi
P.S. Yeah, I am known for my long posts......lol. You'll get use to it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
some other man friend or somebody that has good influence on him can get through with some logic
He listens to no one. He has taken only bits of MC advice and used it. He is very selective in his hearing and actions. Friends acting on info they know have written letters and visited him to try talk senses. All unsolicitated by me. His response to them is " you don't know what I am going through' and to me he say " they don't know the full truth of the A so they don't know what they are talking about.
Trouble is no one is talking or thinking about any particular event, everyone and I will even say the MC are looking at the big picture regardless of what happened. His behaviour is so dramatic and so much poor me , then to be honest I think everyone thinks there is more to the story than what they have been told. If they dont think that , then they would consider H going a little crazy.
Anyway BBQ tommorrow. It is saturday night now and still no invite from H. Having said that I just lost my cool with him.
I went down to see progress on renevations on a building of ours. I arrived, had a look around for a couple of minutes and I turned around and he was gone. Not a word to me. Felt stupid standing there. So arrogant and so I called him and told him. He hung up on me. Guess I kiss invite goodbye.
Another thing really annoyed me yesterday but I held it together.
For the past few weeks without a word to anyone, I have been leaving the house when H gets there to give him time with kids. I have said nothing to kids about this, I just make up excuses. Nor have I mentioned it to H.
Last night D16 got a text from H
' If mum is going out , I can come over and see you '
D16 little confused about this and replies
' Why does mum have to go out "
He answered
' I feel more comfortable when she is not there'
He sant the same text to S20
They both came to me and asked what he meant. So what he has done is made an issue of something. My children were not happy with him saying that he did not want to come home while I was there.
As it turns out i was going out , so i said to them ' Dont worry I am going out" Let him come.
They did not want him there. They said they now feel they have to entertain him. So I had to do some fix up texting to H ( which was the last thing I wanted to do as I was p%^&ed off ).
I did and he came round and I went out. He did not ask were i was going. Fine. When I got home 3 hours later he was gone. Both D and S said he slept on couch the whole time and when he woke up they went to their rooms and he went home.
He is such a loser right now and once again I am fuming.
It feels like I am dealing with a stone wall. It is all functional and dumb. He does not have a thoughtful , loving bone in his body right now and to be honest, if this was the new him then I don't want him.
I feel a little calmer venting.
I so much want to go out with him as family tonight but I kow to ring him would not do anything to help Dbing. Wish I could just pack up and run away with kids so he really knows what it is like to be on his own.
And I swear , other than his mother there is not one member of his family I would miss.
Tonight he has ignored my text - ( i know i should not be doing it )
My trouble is - that i get comfortable and see tiny little signs that he is interested ,and then he blows it out of the water. Is that normal. I realise today I should of been more positive and more helpful.
I do get annoyed that when his family is around he plays this happy - pleased to see me person and then he does 180 on that next time.
I know he has a problem with me critising him. I think I have to have a mantra when i am going to see him - Just be nice.
Am i meant to do that even when i feel like screaming at him. Does repentance for A mean not showing how you truly feel ? I have changed so much in last couple of years. i used to yell a lot and now I control that. But not saying that I am annoyed about how he treats me is very hard. At the end of the day , I am the mother of his children. Surely he has some responsibility to his children to show me some respect.
i don't want his children to think less of him as a dad. But man he makes it hard to fight for him when they are hurt or angry. He just does not see that in them. He is so bound in himself.
