I think it is great that you have confronted the OM. You are taking control of your situation. That is where the control needs to be. I am intrigued by his claims that she is weird and perhaps has a personality disorder. He says that, but he still wants to be with her? She does sound like a pathological liar. I think you have been fed so much horse manure that you need to know the truth to be able to make your decisions.
Doesn't go against anything as far as I'm concerned. You need to be armed.
GH, if I were you (and fortunately I'm not), I wouldn't lay down any ultimatums. How many do you have to lay down before it just looks needy and desperate? I'd just tell her that you are done and moving back to England. I'd ask her to not contact you....that the only contact you'd be having is the divorce papers. And then I'd go. You've made a boundary before, she stepped across it, now show that there were consequences. She sees you as someone that can be used as a sugar daddy. How good a friend/soul mate could she be and do this stuff behind your back?
Sorry about all this. It really does suck.
I wouldn't believe OM. I confronted my W's OP and got the same reaction.....and it was just blowing smoke. He wants your wife and doesn't care how he achieves it. You aren't allies.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Sorry to hijack but you once mentionedon my thread "anyone got waw like mine" your's was a friendly waw and after the divorce she eventualy wanted to try again.
Would you mind visiting my thread and giving me a bit more of your story.
My WAW really does seem done and her only concern seems to be me getting over the grief and getting on with my life. I hold out slight hope for the far future but wouldn't mind hearing your story
I travelled to work yesterday with W and went through my conversation with OM. She wasn't happy that I called him when I said I would not; I replied that W had promised not to lie to me anymore and had broken that promise, so I had to get the truth.
I informed W that her actions are deeply hurtful and traumatizing and asked her not to book hotel with OM when he visits next month.
Anyway, last night W did not come home. She didn't tell me or her dad that she was staying out - and then I received this SMS this morning:
I won't be home tonight either. Please don't cook any dinner for me. I will be back late tomorrow
For me this is the last straw. I will move out next week and hand her what Dr. Harley would call a "Plan B letter" and have no contact with her whatsoever. I will change my number and deactivate my email accounts so she cannot reach me, and I will specify the conditions that I require for the marriage to be restored. I love what we had together, but this situation cannot continue.
I called W at work and she told me that she had just wanted "time to herself" to get a breather from "the situation". I joked about OM being in town already but of course, she denied it. I am meeting her for lunch today and will not bring up anything "heavy". She said she wanted to meet me for lunch as long as I was "pleasant". I want her last memories of me to be great - then she will either do whatever it takes to restore trust, love and friendship or we will never see or communicate with each other again.
I know this will be gut-wrenching but it must be done. I will not sit around at home having dogsh1t wiped on me any more. My father in England wants me to go over there and stay, and I am very tempted to do just this. I have also been offered a job in Munich which I would like to start soon. WW will have tremendous difficulty getting to me there but if she does then at least I know she is serious.
I have been at this for nine months and endured some searing psychological abuse. I feel satisfied that I have done everything I can so far to save my marriage.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
You know - when she stayed out late in January it ripped me apart. Now it's just a sense of resignation/sadness that I feel.
She is the quintessential conflict avoider. She will do anything to avoid a conflict even if it means lying through her teeth about everything to everyone, and avoiding interaction with anyone.
She told me OM was moving back to Eastern Europe and even left a letter to him lying around that I would find saying "good luck with the move". It turns out he is not moving from the UK at all and she invented this tale so that I "wouldn't harass him".
Incredible. Either my W has been possessed by a demon or I made a very irresponsible decision marrying her. My family always thought she was a little odd; she is extremely private and quiet and opens up to virtually no one except me. Even OM said this (not that I care).
Well, I am done with her unless she is prepared to meet my conditions for restoring the M.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
When you first started posting I felt sorry for your wife and said that you should "cut her some slack". Boy, have I changed my mind! She has no sympathy from me. I think she is so self-centered and demanding that no man on earth should put up with her. And I doubt that she will change.
If you are going to plan B, then go to it. She continues to do whatever she pleases without any consequences. Sure, you get on her case with threats, but they have all been empty. It's the boy that cried wolf...she knows that's all it is. I do think you need something more drastic....go completely dark, go to England, or go to Munich. Don't tell her though because I'll bet you $100 that she'd suddenly show interest in you if she was presented the opportunity to return to Europe. She'd use you in a heartbeat. She's become quite the actress and I know you'd buy her "heartfelt" remorse that would last long enough to get her settled with you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks for your input. Yes, I think it will be easier to do a "Plan B" now than it ever would have been before. Since my W came home 23 weeks ago I have copped precious little other than disrespect, hostility, contempt and other vile and sickening behaviours.
I was bad, and she has been abusive in return. So, I am far more inclined to throw the towel in myself than I ever would have been previously.
The longer I am at this, the more my situation looks like a PA/EA rather than a WAW scenario. Although my W did leave the home she always wanted to keep me in the loop and influence my decisions - saying things like "this is a separation for now" and "It's destiny that we will be together" etc. It turns out that she asked OM out on a date before she left me so this is a "straightforward" EA/PA with all of its latent characteristics: lying, using, vacillation and gaslighting.
I never once got the "I'm done, the marriage is over" or "I want a divorce".
Will keep all of you posted.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
