Looks like Obama is going to win handily. May God guide his hand as he steers the ship of state.
Max, you are hurting. At some point you are going to have to forgive yourself. Really. Truly forgive yourself. Maybe not now, if you're not ready, but you cannot thrive in the future (whatever it holds) if you feel shame for yourself.
My view is that guilt is a healthy feeling, in small doses. Once the problem is corrected, let it go. Let the guilt go. let the shame go.
You are human, we all make mistakes.
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How do I counsel my children through their adult years with respect?
You have been down a particular road and can share with them the wisdom gained by that experience. You lived and learned. What you have to offer them is invaluable. INVALUABLE. If you hide it forever, they will not know, they will not learn.
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how do I look at any of his family in the eye? How do we maintain our circle of friends comfortably knowing that they know what I did ?
I know what you are saying. We are, all of us, sinners. All of us have made mistakes. You are no different. To believe that you MUST hide this - it's not healthy. You have to accept your imperfections and mistakes. You don't have to advertise them, but you have to accept them.
Dang, Max, get ysef into couneling!
At the same time, I don't know why it has to be shared with everyone. your family? a large circle of friends? why? That seems indiscreet. It will only make people uncomfortable.
I think this is one of the things that damned our chances at reconciliation. My wife told *everyone*, and I mean everyone, that she had been unfaithful. Matter-of-factly. And they hadn't been asking, either. I think she got some guidance that she needed to "get over the shame" and that she needed to stop hiding it.
But she wasn't over it, and neither was I, and telling everyone didn't help. When the secret was out, and everyone was shocked, she felt worse about herself. And then she went right back to the guy! Perfect!
Ideally "no secrets" is a good thing. But within reason, and at the right time. And gently and discreetly.
I don't know why it has to be shared with everyone.
That is what will happen once OMW finds out. She is not a forward thinker.
Anyway I have another dilemma:
This BBQ coming up on sunday. The facts are:
1.It is the end of fishing thing held at Hs brothers house. all our friends will be there. 2.H has mentioned that he feels a little uncomfortable with me around our friends. 3. I have told him that i will not be going unless he asks me. He understands and to date has not asked . 4. If he does ask me , do i in the best interest of Dbing NOT go. I know they suggest not accepting every invitation , but I feel invitations are so far apart, that maybe i should not say no.
ESKY - hope you had a nice time away. have missed your posts.
I feel that there is nothing to be gained by H confronting OM except his eggo might feel a litle better. But the devastion that will follow will me immense I believe.
I have given H no opinion one way or the other on this issue. When he speaks about it i listen. He has mentioned the hurt it would cuse me. This is enough for me to keep silent. He understands the consequences.
Let us hope it is not the final straw for me.
H no longer sees a C . He feels he is cured. He has learnt to listen to his feelings for the first time in his life. Trouble i ee and something his C never pointed out , his feelings are possibly being tinted by negative thoughts , anger nd hurt. Personally I dont feel that he is in a right place to act on feelings alone.
Hi Hope4us - I absolutely agree with wht you did in your situation. If I was still in the A, if I was still contacting him etc or even if I was refusing to work on marriage, I could understand H exposing.
But none of that is what is happening here. Much more to lose for all I think. I believe it is ego driven and not much forwarding thinking either.
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OM gets to F my wife and now there he is in his perfect little marriage and his W doesn't know and I want him to feel some of the pain that I'm feeling.
What makes my H mad is ... OMW had an A 10 years ago and OM suffered and never healed from it BUT marriage stayed in tact although unhealthy. My H is mad because OM was his friend and he understood the pain he was going to be putting H through if A was discovered - which we know was.
So he wants OM now to know that OM and I no longer share the secret about extent of A and that he H as a little respect back.
Maybe you should tell your H that you understand why he wants to say something to former OM and that you understand his pain. You know that there are consequences for what happened and you will accept whatever he decides to do.
This will put a heavy weight on him. Though you do need to be sincere and realize that he very well may follow through. I tend to think the "weight" may be too much for him.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Marriedcrazy - all is well down here. We face elections as wel. Outr outcome is not as global affecting as yours.
Spring in the air, which does not improve spirits as I consider another summer without partner to share picnic and holidays etc.
I wonder if depressed people get more depressed in summer ?
I think generally depressed people suffer more during the winter due to less sunlight being available. That's what I read. Seasonal Affective Disorder they call it. All the indoor tanning places promote themselves as a way to ward the disorder off.
I have told my friends = all of whom will be there that I am giving him space if he requires it and they are not happy! Think I am letting him call the shots - which I am.
Not that i really care about what they think .It is my M I am trying to serve here.
So if not asked - I dont go even though I ahve recieved a seperate invite from Brother-in-law .
I always believe that a person should do what they feel is right for them. If you feel that it is better for your M not to go; by all means don't go.
I will say that I think if you do go and have a great time without involving him; it might show that you are getting on with or without his involvement. Plus, you always have the out "my BIL invited, so I came."
Just my thought. But do what you feel is best for YOU.
