It's a tough call, when you get down to it. Taken on it's own, it looks like you might have been acting the immature brat. BUT... this isn't a single event. How many times has he skipped out on dilogue to watch TV, goof off, or whatever? You are right, he did have time for all of those other things, but not twenty minutes for you. I'm not saying you should have reacted by pouting, just that you might be being a bit hard on yourself. In fact, maybe you needed to react, but more directly than pouting. Maybe by just saying that you were diappointed?
Ooh....this happens to me too BBJ. We are both sooo busy that the only time we spend together is when he comes to bed! At least he's spending time here (we are separated but I am doing a night course two nights a week so he stays over to look after d7 on those nights). I guess I should be grateful that he has spent four nights so far this week (with the exception of Wed night) in our bed.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
It's a tough call, when you get down to it. Taken on it's own, it looks like you might have been acting the immature brat. BUT... this isn't a single event. How many times has he skipped out on dilogue to watch TV, goof off, or whatever? You are right, he did have time for all of those other things, but not twenty minutes for you. I'm not saying you should have reacted by pouting, just that you might be being a bit hard on yourself. In fact, maybe you needed to react, but more directly than pouting. Maybe by just saying that you were diappointed?
Ya know BBJ..I can see both sides..I can remember my early wake-ups, long drives..work all day..come home and work, then Kim would come in with Caleigh and things would get crazy..by 9:00pm I was done..having said that though I also agree with Jeff..Your H could have turned off South Park and spent some time with you. I guess I wonder why you did not ask him?? I know you just want him to do it on his own..but it's clear he's not there yet. I don't think pouting was the way to go..I think maybe just voice your opinion and leave it. You're still doing ok..Hang in there. I know it's frustrating...He's a double DAM..patience...
I have felt the same way as you have in the past. The bottom line is we have been hit pretty hard in the past and in order to mend properly we need to feel that we are our spouse's number one priority or at least be the #1 priority once in a while. I know I told my W this on several occasions.....unfortunatelly, we can not force them. In times like this, I would say to myself, go back a few years....if W acted this way, would you even notice. That got me throgh a couple of nights but in my case you know that my intuition was correct. All our WASs are different but I anticipated much more. Sooooooo what am I getting at? Do not get down on yourself you may have reacted a little....however, your H should be trying a little harder to prioritize your R in my humble opinion.
Thanks guys. Even as I wrote about what happened, I was thinking to myself that I had every right to be disappointed, I just didn't handle it properly.
Now, tonight, H has unexpectedly had a Korean vendor show up at his workplace earlier today wanting to take him out for dinner. So H is out w/his client, while I took S to Karate and then we met his parents for dinner (the kids and I, that is). Finally got the kids to bed at 9 and I have a couple hours of work yet to do. I am guessing H will not be up for dialoguing again tonight.
We have 2 assignments, 1)Writing a blueprint for our own personal life goals (actually we pick one goal to focus on, mine was realizing that I am not responsible for other people's happiness) and 2)Writing a blueprint for our marriage. First, we make our own blueprint based on a goal we have. Mine was to establish a foundation of love and commitment (you could pick from a list of like 10 general goals). To that end, I wrote H a letter pledging my love and commitment to him and our marriage. I wrote it and read it to him 2 weeks ago.
H has not even started either assignment. Once you do both, you share your blueprints for your marriage, and re-write ONE blueprint that is a common goal for you both in the marriage. Can't do that till H does his 2 other assignments. As I said, mine have been done for 2 weeks. Our final class is in 3 days. We go to Des Moines Sat. afternoon to stay w/my sister so we can run the Marathon on Sunday. Then drive directly from the race site to the Retro site (3 hours apart).
Any bets on whether H will get his work done?????????
No mater what happens Retro was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It'sa tool I can use for the rest of my life even if things do not work out......
I LOVE dialoguing... Wife on the other hand hates it. but we suto dialogue.. she hate 'writing" so we have been picking subjects and just talking about them. We could have never done this without Retro....
good luck
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I LOVE LOVE LOVE writing,but I would be totally fine just doing dialogue out loud like a conversation. But H is firm in his dialoguing, he wants to do it just like they teach us. If I make any superfluous comments while exchanging notebooks he gets bent out of shape. If I comment in any way on what he writes, that he could see as a judgement, he is annoyed. He wants to just read each others, re-state each others, make sure we get each other, and that's it. Doing it verbally would sure save time on occasion, though.
Didn't mean to sound so negative in my last post. I am just stressed out. I have a bunch of stuff to do and get organized before heading to my sisters on Saturday. I have a couple tubs of clothes she handed down to me for my D2 that she now needs back for her D 18 mos. Gotta go sort!
Also wanted to restock my ipod with songs for the race day, get snacks to take to the retro session on sunday, pack bags for me and the kids for the trip to my sister's, etc etc etc
You are too hard on yourself. While I completely understand that we only hear your side of the story it appears to me that you are doing all of the work. Am I missing something? Is he trying?
You can get an extension on the homework. The point of Retro is to keep the dialogue going, so if you don't get all the homework in in the 6 weeks, don't sweat it. I hope you will have your whole lives together to work on it. But also, don't blow it off completely. Like training for the marathon, the work is for you. It's not to turn in. I think you and your H could use a little time away from everything. Your lives are very hectic. Even with all the energy you both bring to it, there just aren't enough hours in your days.
But H is firm in his dialoguing, he wants to do it just like they teach us. If I make any superfluous comments while exchanging notebooks he gets bent out of shape. If I comment in any way on what he writes, that he could see as a judgement, he is annoyed. He wants to just read each others, re-state each others, make sure we get each other, and that's it.
Structure...I get that. I know that. He sees very little gray. It's all black and white. He has certain things he needs to accomplish during his day and if it's on his scehdule to accomplish and he gets it done then he is ok..If he does not then I bet he gets pissed..He stays really stressed which in turn causes you great stress..he also uses some of this "personality" type to avoid things..he's using it to avoid the homework..you can tell by his "you read mine, I read yours, restate, get it, that's it..lets get this finished attitude".
I wish I had some advice to give you..I know for a fact the only way he will change anything is if he changes for himself. It's not going to be for you, the family, his M..it will have to be because he finally realizes he's an asss.....
