I saw H yesterday. I asked him to come by and swap out the microwave above the stove. We changed the appliances when we moved into this rental and since I am moving out in two weeks I have to change them back.
Well as he is working he asks who I am dating these days. I say what does that matter? He says he was just trying to make small talk. I ask who he is dating (of course its OW). He says the only one that comes around is OW. He doesn't admit to actually being with her.
He then says that I look good and very pretty (of course I put on a cute top and my favorite jeans). He then gives me a hug and says that I have lost weight and I'm so thin (I was starting to gain but after all this I lost about 10 pounds). He then starts to make sexual comments and starts to get closer to me. Needless to say things got a bit intense and I did something I should not have.
Afterwards, he says we should not have done that because we are going through a divorce. He apologizes many times and says he did not want to hurt me anymore. He says it will never happen again. He was mad at himself for doing it and promised himself he wouldn't do anything like that but did anyway. He said he wants to change and in his next relationship he wants to be completely faithful maybe even start going to church. I ask well if that is what you want why don't you want to do that with us (I know bad move) and he said he doesn't love me the way that I love him. I told him I believe we have ended up where we are because we lost our emotional connection with one another. He says a few more things then leaves. He then calls me about 1/2 hour later and apologizes again. I tell him its human nature and the feelings that we have for one another. I assure him that he has not hurt me because it was my choice as well. I told him it would only be wrong if he was in a total committment with someone. He says he doesn't want to be sleeping around that it should only be with one person. All this stuff.... long story short I can't tell whether his actions are showing me he wants me back or that he loves me or that he was just 'in the mood' because maybe they don't ML every night or something. I really don't know. I do know he has bought natural pills to enhance his sexual drive so that makes me wonder if he can't perform with her? But he was definitely excited to see me! I just don't get it. I know that I backslid pretty far yesterday. I just could not help it to see that he was aroused by me and I felt the same way. We did not ML because it was that time of the month for me or else we would have.
But then he goes and sings the same song about not loving me the way that I love him and that we need to move on and stop holding on to this connection. That we have to close this door and move forward to other things. I do not want to give up on this marriage. I do want to close the door to our old relationship and open a new one. That is what I want. I didn't tell him that though, should I? Should I take this opportunity to tell him I am not going to sit back and watch this happen that I am going to stand up and fight? What do all of you think?
Any words would be greatly appreciated.....
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
