I guess it's over

[NikB]

GREAT description of your sitch... I think that visual is right on, too.

It is just SO hard to give up hope. How can I just give up? I know he loves me (in his own way) and I love him.

I think by loving yourself more.

You know that you want more out of an R than your H is willing or able to give.

Love yourself enough to let go and seek a happy future. A future that may eventually involve a new R with a partner who IS willing and able to give you what you need in an R.

The fairytale ending is really hard to release. Especially when no "spew" has occurred.

Hmmm... well, no verbal spew, but the way he has treated you certainly counts as "spew" in my book.

He STILL says he loves me and we could "re-marry later, (if we both wanted that)". How do I re-frame that to make it hopeless? And I am not asking rhetorically- I really mean it-- how do I re-frame what he has said to me and look at it as hopeless so I can forget about him and move on?

In my opinion, it doesn't need to be hopeless, so you don't need to re-frame that piece of it.

The factual side is pretty simple - he is not willing or able to give you the intimacy and closeness and commitment that you want. No matter how much love there may still be between you, it's an R/M that doesn't work for you.

Here's what you CAN reframe:

Focus on you and what you need and want out of an R. Not what your H is doing or saying. In the future, you may develop an R that DOES work for you - be it with him or someone else.

You'll never forget about him, but you can certainly grieve for the loss of your R with him, and move on. I think grieving is easier to think about when it's more concrete. For me, I knew that if H died I'd always love him, always miss him, and I'd know that he loved me, too, but he was gone and wouldn't be with me anymore. If you can think of your M in a similar way, I think you can begin to let it go.

((((Trixi)))))

(I am so sorry, I know this is going to hurt to read... I just don't know of a way to get through this part without the hurt)