Little journaling: W the other day sent an email asking who I planned on using for my lawyer because she had filed papers through the courts and her lawyer wanted to send the documents to my lawyer instead of having me served. She also wants to have us get together with the kids to tell them that we will not be getting back together and that we plan on divorcing.
She came over with the kids around 7PM to have our talk. Kids were watching TV or playing. I asked if she wanted anything to drink, which she did, so I made her a vodka tonic. We went out on the front porch to have our talk.
So the objective of the talk was to make sure we were on the same page as to what we wanted to tell the kids. She wants to say that Mommy and Daddy have decided that don't want to be together anymore. She wanted to know if I still wanted to say that it is her decision to end the marriage. I told her that I was okay with her plan, that in the past before she had moved out, I didn't want to be perceived as the bad guy or the one that deserted the kids. I told her that I thought that we were past that point since she has already moved out the kids already have probably already formed their opinions. I didn't think I needed to force idea of blame at this point. She agreed and said that the kids don't need to know details at this young age, but that someday they would know the truth. I was surprised by that.
We talked a little about the lawyer stuff. I asked when she started the paperwork. She said its been in the works for about three weeks. She said her lawyer seems to want to get things done quickly as long as we are getting along and can come to an agreement on terms.
There was one point that she got choked up and was fighting to hold back tears. I think it was when she mentioned that there were quite a few local neighbors (I think other women) that commented on how they thought she was very brave for doing what she was doing. Cindi gave them the advice that if they can stay together and be happy, then not to think about divorce. I asked why she said that. She said because it was very hard. That it impacted and hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of pain for the kids. I held my tongue, but wanted so much to ask why she thought that she couldn't be happy with the marriage. Why she had pulled the plug. Partly because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for another chance and partly because I now really don't want to go down that path.
I mentioned that her mother had left a message the other night telling me that I was no longer welcome in the house. Cindi said it was because they were angry with me because I had locked Cindi out. I again explained my reasons to her and she again disagreed that I needed to be that extreme. I told her that it was a matter of her breaking my trust and also a privacy issue. I had no problem with her having full access to the house when she moved, but then I felt as though she had broken our agreement several times on taking things without letting me know. It also comes down to a privacy issue. She said I didn't need to worry about her taking anything big. I asked her how could I be sure that she wouldn't at some point get angry or spiteful and come in and take all kinds of stuff. She said that is not in her character to blow up like that or take that action. I told her that I really didn't know what she was capable of at this point. We have been married for 14 years and everything that has happened has really shaken my beliefs, trust and faith. She has surprised me many times over the past year. I trusted her completely and would have never anticipated that she would have an affair or lie to me the way she did. I specifically mentioned that there were times that I would ask her something that I knew the answer to and even had hard evidence. She would still lie straight to my face and make me feel like I was crazy for my accusations. She replied that there were a lot of things I did that she didn't think that I was capable of either. I came up with a few examples of little things that I found missing when I needed them and how frustrating that was to me. I think maybe a little that she started to understand, although she did say that she talked to her lawyer about this and she said that I couldn't do what I did. I couldn't keep her out of the house. I'll have to ask my lawyer about this because it really would surprise me if I need to give her unrestricted access to the house even though her name is on the mortgage. Doesn't seem right to me.
We talked about holiday schedules with the kids and it is nice to know that we are on the same page with that. The kids will do Thanksgiving with her family and we'll split Christmas. They will wake up at the house on Christmas morning to open presents and then go with her to visit her family.
The discussion wrapped up being fairly light and friendly. I've been thinking that things were going south quickly over the past week, but I'm glad to see that we can still talk civilly. I'm interested now to see the paperwork from the lawyer. I noticed that throughout the evening I never felt the pang of desire for her or of missing her.
So I guess we are on our way to officially wrapping things up. I'll be interested to see how the next few weeks go and find out if we can keep things civil.
