It is detachment, isn't it? After all this time, this is what it feels like...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lola, Just poppin in to say hi. Congrats on the job, I have spit pieces of a tooth out before while flossing too, I miss Jen as well, stay strong for yourself. My W is moving back in this weekend but it is going to be tough. I have been doing a good job at detaching now I need to reverse and attach. I guess I will be hanging out in Piecing soon. Cheers ps You got that website up and running yet?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Congrats on W moving back in! That is fabulous! You have come this far, you can do it!
It was a bizzy day again for the old case manager here (I just like saying that, you know I have my own office)...got to see the boss man in action this morning at a deposition. Man is he smoooooth..... I feel great that this job fell in my lap. I think this is honestly one of the best self esteem boosters I have ever had!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
The job is great. I thank God for giving it to me, because in the last three months, my self esteem has really gone up a lot. It has helped me a lot.
Now if I could just get rid of the rest...
I sent this to a friend of mine the other day, just some thoughts. I wonder how many people feel the same way, and have decided to post a bit of an edited version here.
I wonder who I am. Who am I? Because right now, I feel like no one.
I used to be Lola the Single. Then I became Lola the Italian's wife. I was married to someone I loved very much, and he hurt me. So I decided to become Lola the Single again. And I wonder what it was about me that attracted this violent, abusive man to me? What was it that made him think he could hit me?
Then I met XH and became Lola the American-German's wife. I married because I was afraid to be alone. I wanted to belong to someone, no matter what the consequence. I did not love XH. I tried to, and at times I actually thought I could love him. But it was not the kind of love that lasted. I did not feel passion for him. I did not feel attracted to him. I stayed with him for ten years, on and off. We even divorced and got remarried, because I figured it was better to live with the one you know rather than take a chance on someone you don't. And in the long run, I decided it was better to be alone than to live with someone I didn't love, could never love. I carry guilt because I wasted ten years of his life, when maybe he could have found someone that he could love, that would love him back. I don't know that he really loved me, or loved the idea of having a wife and family. He wanted everything his way, and for a long time I gave him that. And then I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and something in me died.
I became Lola the XW, no one. No ones wife. Just another single mother trying to survive. I did not regret walking away, and yet I felt guilty because I knew I had caused pain. I didn't deserve to be loved. I deserved to be alone.
And I was...for two years. I met XBF, and now I was someone's girlfriend. He was sweet, caring, and for the first time, I knew what love was. To be loved. Or did I? He never said he loved me, even when I finally said it to him. And after a year, I knew what heartbreak was when he dumped me over the phone on New Years Day.
And again, I was no one. Just Lola the XW, XGF. No one. It took me two years to heal from that. When I heard XBF had married, I cried. And I wondered, what is it about me that makes me so unloveable? Am I too intense? Do I love too much? Am I too clingy? I vowed to never let myself love again. It hurt too much.
And then, one day, I saw him. My first initial thought was he is good looking, with strong features, and I am looking at my future husband. Then I saw his wedding ring. Yeah, way off base. But H and I became really great friends. And when his marriage ended, he came to me. And I loved him. Without thought, without fight, I fell for him completely. I didn't want to, but could not stop it. I did not want to have hope that this man would be with me, that we would have a future. But every day I fell more and more in love with him. And thanked God every night, as I was lying next to him, for this wonderful gift.
And on July 14, 2006, I became someone. I became Lola, wife of H.
Sometimes, in the dark of night, I would wonder if he would leave me. But I pushed that thought away, thinking God had given me this man to love, and He would not take H away from me. I was afraid that H would find someone younger, someone prettier, someone without children. But I pushed that thought away, thinking H would never hurt me like that. He loves me. I could love, and I felt loved. I felt loved in a way that made me whole.
And then, H left me. And I was again, no one. Just a woman with a different last name.
The first few months, I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. If I did sleep, I would wake in the morning, there was a fire in my chest that would not go out. There was pain that made me cry every day. I cried at the strangest moments. And I did not want to live. I prayed for God to take me. I wished I had the courage to end my life so that I wouldn't feel the pain. I felt like a coward. I was cowering in a corner while this man walked away from me, and I didn't fight. But I didn't know how.
So I ask again, who am I? A year later, I still feel like I am no one. I have a husband, but only on paper. I smile, but if you really look, it is only on my face. The smile does not reach my eyes. I am afraid that if someone looks really close, they will see that I am no one. Why is my life defined by my husband? Should my life be defined by my husband? I don't know. But without him, I feel like no one.
The problem is, I feel like no one worse than I ever did before. There is a heaviness in my heart, a sadness that, even when I am having a good day, is still there, lurking, like a disease that has lain dormant for so many years, a screaming in my soul, that wants to pop up at any minute and say I am here!!! Guess what!! I am going to kill you slowly. I am going to give you moments when you feel great, but I am always there, lurking, lingering, and when you feel like you are finally healing, I am going to come back with a vengeance to remind you that it is not over. You are not yet healed.
It is the disease of being no one.
And so now I wait. I feel like this is a disease that is terminal. There are moments of clarity. Is there medicine that can cure this disease? No, just make it easier to tolerate in the form of an antidepressant. I don't want people to know that I am the woman who is empty, hollow, no one. I lie and pretend like everything is okay. And I wonder, what is it that makes it impossible for someone to love me?
Is it because I am no one? _______________________________________________________________
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I know Jeffy Poo, I know. But I wonder how many of us feel that way. I know I am more than what defines me as a wife, as a mother. But sometimes, in my darkest moments, I wonder...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
