Actually i feel more distant if anything. Numbs the anger and frustration - G.. knows what it will do for the family.
H will do whatever he wants at the end of the day, especially if I consider the pain and hurt he is in.
I really mean it , when i say it would be easier to do what your wife is doing. I think that not only does she need to stand on her own 2 feet but she has to face what she has done. No contact seems great to me - not now so much - but early days and if I had of done that , i would not be posting this.
A clean slate - magic - but a receipe for disaster . She will be living proof of past behavior predicting future behaviour.
Tell me what you have planned for kids. I know it is halloween soon there. Not such a big thing here but big enough that I do a very good trade in my shop (costume shop ). We have lots of anti people with halloween
I am a little tired and H called in tonight and the first thing he said was ' you look tired ' Funny thing was that in our very first MC session nearly 4 years ago, our coucillor said - 'always note how tired you wife is. See her tiredness.' H never did until tonight.
Step in right direction - who knows
Well I have had a glass of wine after a busy day. Its raining outside and I love lying in bed and hearing it, so thats relaxing.
Be nice to know what your up to and how YOUR coping. I always have my fingers crossed for you. If you wife only understood how to face the music and allow you both to rebuild.
With 2 willing partners , that road would be that much easier.
Cheers sorry about spelling - some of it is american spelling verses rest of world and some of it is tiredness and just bad spelling.
I was watching SVU the other night and they had a case where there was no contact but it ran out after a year and the judge said that they were easy to obtain and often wife is granted them without to many questions being asked. Not so easy if you want extention.
We dont have any law that i know about regarding no contact - we do have restraining orders and I am not sure how much they cover. I have never ever heard of not being allowed to talk though.
Mind you we dont have guns either. I suppose hunters have guns but dont know anyone else who would have one. Even our police do not carry guns unless it is special forces. I have never seen them.
Max, I think the term "No contact" was not meant as a legal term. It's used commonly to describe cutting off all communication between A partners so that the betrayed spouse knows that the wayward spouse is committed to repairing the M.
I kinda agree about the overall wisdom about H not telling the OMW. What would it accomplish but inflicting pain in a situation in an uncontrolled fashion? H would be doing OM's job and if OM were a smart man, he would start being a 10x better husband for a few years before telling his wife, and then after that, he'd have to crank it to 100x for the rest of his life. OMW is in her own little world thinking she only has little worries. Why destroy that?
More importantly, I think H should have a man-to-man chat with OM and tell him it's OM's job to tell his wife. Regardless of the response...and I mean REGARDLESS, your H should stare him down, call him a gutless wonder and walk away. That's my view of where it should start and end. If H needs to say anything, then it's to the man and then walk away. The power in controlled anger and the ability to walk away peacefully would speak more for H than for OM.
Besides, if the A is over and there hasn't been any contact, then there's no secrecy left to expose. I would only tell the OMW if the A between the OM and W was still going on...just to stop it. Selfish, but it's very present, in the moment. But this isn't your situation now.
I think if the conversation ever came up, I would tell H to put the reponsibility back on OM. He hurt his wife and he needs to tell her. If H tells her, then H is hurting the OMW. Not a good thing.
H42 W36 M9 yrs D8 D5 d-day: 21/11/07 S and moved out: 22/2/08 Still S: 22/11/10
I don't agree with H should have a man-to-man chat with OM and tell him it's OM's job to tell his wife. It is not your husband's job to tell some other guy how to run his life.
Regardless of the response...and I mean REGARDLESS, your H should stare him down, call him a gutless wonder and walk away. Ok, I don't get this either. This is what I was talking about by "spreading around more pain." What does this accomplish? What is the goal here?
Will it make your husband feel better if he insults someone else? Is that what it is? If he hurts someone else, he'll feel better? I don't see it, I don't agree with it.
Besides, if the A is over and there hasn't been any contact, then there's no secrecy left to expose. Again, I completely disagree. The revelation of an affair, long over, can still be very painful, and often needlessly so.
This is worth a counseling session if he is willing.
I'd be subject to arrest, and could be taken to jail.
Look, she alleged that I was an immediate danger to her person. That she was afraid I would physically attack her. The law is in place to protect women who have been abused.
MC said, Max, I think the term "No contact" was not meant as a legal term. In discussions on this forum, "No Contact" means what you said, but in my case, I am using it as a euphemism for "Protection Order".
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I was watching SVU the other night and they had a case where there was no contact but it ran out after a year and the judge said that they were easy to obtain and often wife is granted them without to many questions being asked. Not so easy if you want extention.
absolutely true. The judge (who was not actually a judge, but that is another story) said "she is obviously afraid of you... I'm going to grant the petition." All the woman has to do is show fear.
And she did! Who wouldn't be afraid. You're in court, making these allegations, they're pretty serious. Whether true or not, the accuser is going to be afraid. So there ya go.
We are well past the point where I can be proactive in contacting her. She's made her wishes very clear.
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H will do whatever he wants at the end of the day, especially if I consider the pain and hurt he is in.
Yes, it's hard for the betrayed spouse. Of course, I also think a person in that situation can fall in love with being a victim, can become cemented in place. For a while, it's ok to be sad and mourn the loss of trust, but at some point you gotta move on. You have to put it behind you and get going. It's hard for your husband but at some point it would be nice if he would show some inner strength, too. What you are hoping for I think, is that he can put this behind him and get going toward you.
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I really mean it , when i say it would be easier to do what your wife is doing. I think that not only does she need to stand on her own 2 feet but she has to face what she has done.
Yes, and I agree with you. She wants independence and I would like her to have it. I think it would be good for her and good for me and good for the kids, too. As for "facing what she has done", I don't know that we can say "she must face it." She can choose not to face it. She can run from responsibility. She is running now, and she can continue to do it. I wish she wouldn't, but she can.
The thing is, I want equity, and so far that is not happening. She is currently legally entitled to more money than I make, every month. She has no rent payment, and she gets to bar me from seeing the kids. This is not equitable. This is all possible with the women's protection laws in the states, thank goodness for Joe Biden, our future VP, who sponsored them.
Once a woman gets a judge to agree that she deserves protection, the man loses everything.
I am hoping to get some equity in the near future. If that does not happen I will have to walk away. Who wants to work for no money, and no right to see his kids? What man would accept that deal? It's slavery. I won't accept this, long term. The first judge was an idiot. If the next one re-inforces those terms, I will be the one walking away. She will then have complete independence from me.
Hi Max. I think there are two schools of thought on exposing the affair at this stage. One, what would it accomplish? It may have the exact opposite affect your H wants. What if telling OMW about the affair ends their marriage and he starts making overtures to you again? The other POV is that his wife deserves to know. That right now her marriage is a lie. If it was me, I would want to know. But there are strong opinions each way.
I exposed to OM's W for two reasons. First was because of their living arrangements (they live 1000 miles apart) I figured that he was a player and does this sort of thing all the time and by me telling his W that he would cut tail and run. It was a way to put a little reality into the fantasy that my wife was living. And many times that reality is enough to end the affair. Second, I felt like she deserved to know. Did my exposing to OMW end their affair? I think for him it mostly did. That and the fact that I'm pretty sure he already had another GF once he moved 250 miles from us. So once I told his wife and would report back to her every time they got together (which was only once when she convinced him I wouldn't know) he realized that tap was used up and he moved on to his next victim. But in my wifes mind, the affair wasn't over. She tried many times after that to get him to come visit her and he refused, but he always had an excuse my W believed so the affair was never really over in her mind. So.....
I thought I would give my W some time and when he blew her off so many times she would figure it out. But she just kept trying. So I'd finally had enough and that's when I told my boys. They are both adults (well, the 16 yr old might not be one in age, but he is in maturity) and I told them for 3 reasons. First was I knew/know that my W loves our boys to death and if they found out and expressed their displeasure, that might be enough to give our marriage a chance. Second, I was preparing to file for divorce and wanted the kids to know that there was one parent that was not deserting them. Third, I would do everything in my power to make sure that serial cheating, alcoholic, abuser was NEVER in my kids lives. If it ended our marriage, I could live with that, but I was not going to allow this POS to enter my kids lives without them knowing just WHAT he was.
Whew. That was long to say, exposure now is a difficult thing. But I would say again. If your H decides to do it, that is his choice and both you and OM have to live with the consequences. I imagine your H is thinking....OM gets to F my wife and now there he is in his perfect little marriage and his W doesn't know and I want him to feel some of the pain that I'm feeling.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I like what H4U said. If it is about foisting pain on someone else, then it doesn't make sense. If it is about doing the right thing, protecting the innocent, or righting wrongs, then, done delicately and compassionately, "telling people" can be helpful.
In general, it's good to be completely honest, but sometimes complete honesty, especially about the past, can be unnecessarily hurtful. Honesty about the past does not always win, in my view. It has to be balanced with compassion. "Even if it is true, will what I want to say, hurt people if I say it?"
If he exposes it for own self gratification - and it is, {A has been over nearly 4 years )- and say we do end up remaining married, how do I look at any of his family in the eye?
How do we maintain our circle of friends comfortably knowing that they know what I did ? I would feel my marriage was of less value than theres. That would be horrible.
OMW would never end her marriage to OM, I know this for sure but I think he could use it to be the one to walk away. Another family destroyed.
How do I counsel my children through their adult years with respect? What will they gain from our community knowing what there mother did. Shame. OM and my children were best friends and still remain in contact - although they hide it from us. I have no problem, they are 16, but my H hates it. Worse still one is a girl and one is a boy and we all know the stories of forbidden fruits.
I cannot see any valid reason to expose unless it helps make H feel like a man again and claws back some self respect. Personally I cannot see him feeling to good around his friends if they see him as being a husband who has been cuckholded !
Seems a lose lose to me. But I am seeing this through the eyes of the spouse that betrayed.
PS - Choose wisely your new president as you are technically electing a world leader. ( most down here like Obama but as we don't know policy's it is based on change and it being fantastic for the average man and the African American )
