Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..3...

[ddstartingover]

I'm still here. I haven't posted or been on this site much (or 40/60). I'm trying to get to a point in my head that will help me let go. I've been to my counselor a couple times. I asked her to help me let go. She said I'm grieving and need to let it run it's course. She also sent me a book, that I'm trying to read..........it's pretty good, but the jury is out about whether it will be helpful.

I haven't posted since I took the kids to H for "his weekend" on the 19th and found him passed out drunk. He was supposed to meet us at the HS football game, and take them home from there. No word from him until half time. He called, was slurring his speech and not making sense. Said he was just going to go home, and I could bring the kids to him. Don't know how he drove to his place. D15 had plans for the night, so I spent the rest of the game trying to decide if I should take the kids to him. My two out of town sisters were coming to visit for the weekend, one I was supposed to pick up from the airport. I had plans---and he knew it.

So, I decided I would take them over and make the decision then. He was in really really bad shape, but with it enough that I thought if I said I was taking them he would make a scene. It was also after 11, and I knew they would all be going straight to bed. I rationallized that S9 and D11 could put themselves to bed, and that they should see it, AND he should wake up with the knowledge that he was like that when he was expecting his kids. I'm sure they reminded him the next day. By the time I left them, I was too late to make my airport run.

My counselor gave me resources to check out, including ALANON. I knew alcohol was a big part of his coping mechanism, but seeing him like that made it all seem so much worse---especially since he knew the kids were coming. She also suggested that maybe the alcohol abuse started first...............and could explain all that followed. I don't know. I haven't pursued anything. I have, however, let H know that that CANNOT happen again, and that I would not leave the kids with him like that ever again.

We've had several family meals out together since. He would normally have a beer or two when we go out, but since that night he's only ordered iced tea or pop. I'm hoping it was a wake up call. My C says it usually takes way more than that, but I don't know.

I've not been playing by the DB rules, another reason for my absence. I've tried to reach out to him via e-mail several times, with no response----with one exception. When I took the kids to him for his Monday night I was very emotional. There is a lot going on at the house with remodelling and trying to get all the things packed for the kids and being tired of dealing with it all and not getting a response from my last e-mail..........so by the time I got to his place I was in tears. He asked me what was wrong (DUHHH!!!), and I of course couldn't say anything. I later sent him an e-mail and explained: "I love you. I miss you. I want our family back together, etc......" I had to stop back by later to drop off D11 (I had taken her to Red Cross Babysitting class since her class is at the same time and place as my stained glass (GAL) class.) He came out and hugged me. He also hugged me the next night when he took the kids. Looked for it last night, but didn't get it.

I'm just so stuck. I want to let go. I want to stop hoping, hoping, hoping. He still will not talk to me, or address anything, including my knowledge of OW, in any way. He avoids, avoids, avoids.

The 28th anniversary of our first date is next week. He most of the time treats me like a stranger.............the man I've loved since I was 15, have been totally devoted to, grew up with and bore three of his kids (including his 10 pound son---without any medication)!!!

I'm keeping busy. I'm taking the stained glass class and have another jewelry class lined up to take in two weeks. BUT I STILL MISS HIM! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!