Thanks for the ideas everyone. I need to continue to break down some of those awful walls I have to soften my heart to do some of those things. You wouldn't believe I still have those walls, but I do. I truly appreciate my close DB friends. What would I do without you guys/gals?
Yoyo,
I'll answer your questions. YOu asked how long I was involved with OM. I was with two different OM. Each one was about a year and a half or so. In between I "came back", but H never did anything to "change", at that time, and my life was miserable as I knew it.
What made me respond to my H? When I was with the OM the only times I would respond to my H was when he stood up for himself on something, but I would respond in anger. I can tell you what I think I would have done if he gave me an ultimatum.....I think I would have stopped all the crap, but I would have been a huge *itch to him. If he gave me an ultimatum, and I felt he was going to continue on as usual and our life would be the same, I would have felt I needed to leave him. I was depressed at the time, and our life together was making me physically ill and severely depressed.
He continued to always be respectful of me even when I was disrespecting him. For the three years of my affairs and our separationg, my H didn't "know" about the OM (I put the know in quotation marks because I truly believe he knew down deep but didn't WANT to know and was hard to fathom). Maybe that's how he was able to continue being respectful of me.
The things that made me take notice was when he went to counseling on his own and started to make changes. He would be loving to me even when I was mean to him. It was almost like a sick test of mine....will he stick it out...he's caused me so much pain and I had stuck with him, will he keep "loving me" if I continue shunning him like he did?...... He kept at it. It was then that I knew we had a chance. I told myself that if he asked or I had a chance to tell him about the affairs I would. I did. We both cried, it was awful, and I asked him to come home then and there.
When I was with the OM, no matter how much love I felt with them, something ALWAYS kept me from leaving my H. Hope. I knew my H was a very good man and he continued to show me that goodness in many ways, even during our separation. I knew the OM couldn't compare to him in many ways. What I got from the OM was the "in love feelings", sexual desire/passion, and emotions that always seemed to be lacking from my H.
Yes, I did have to decide on my own, that I wanted to be with my H. My decision to stay is based on my belief that life with H will be better after some repair work, that I don't want to split up time with my son, that I believe the "misery stage" we went through is something you go through with any relationship eventually, and I learned that love is a choice. Books helped me a lot, a priest helped me a lot, this forum helped me a lot, and my understanding H helped me more than ever. He never gave up on me or our marriage. Ever.
THere are more details and more I could say, but that sums it up. Feel free to ask more questions. It's hard to explain those 3-4 years so compactly.
