I too ramble. So don't worry about that for me. I work with people who don't speak or communicate in any clear way so for me this is a really good thing.
Prior to DR saying menopause and putting me on AD (I'm only 36 and menopause OMG) H was really being a total jerk or hardly speaking to me at all since latest bomb. But was for the most part being really nice to S and just living life. The day Dr gave me medicine, H had blasted me via text for about 4 hours about something totally stupid and then about S. He came home that night nice as pie and asked why the Dr ordered specific blood tests (H in med field so he is aware) Told him menopause, etc... The rest of the week was fairly quiet. Next week S broke my bed so I had to sleep on the couch for a week cuz H wasn't home to fix it. Thought he would be able after 3 days but it wasn't as easy as he thought and actually apologized for not being able to do it for another 4 days. Finally got bed fixed. Last week was wierd. H has texted me for no reason when he could have texted S. Just going with it. On Sunday, he noticed that i was having pain and was worried. Monday texted several times how was I feeling, what did Dr say, why ultrasound. Did ultrasound on Tuesday, texted H with what happened, when r results? Yesterday went fairly smoothly until later in the day. Getting ready for dinner and H yelled at me for taking so long. Went to dinner. H was cranky. S asked him about working OT today and just what time, H asked Why like S was wrong for wanting to know when his Father was coming home. Dinner H was cranky, quiet, didn't eat much, but put on show for all of our friends as they came up to say hi. As soon as they left table, smile left his face. I finally asked him if he would have rathered me stay home. He said No. No thought no question, just an honest answer. He spoke with me briefly about whatever was on the TV in the restaurant/sports bar and actually dealt with waitress and my needing a knife. After, said I was going outside to smoke, and H actually came with me. We sat and talked a little but not too much. Suddenly, I had to go home. H asked why and I told him I'm sorry I had an accident (crapped myself, side effect of whatever is going on with my health right now). Told him I would wait in car and he and S could take their time. They came out right away. Stopped at store to get cigarettes. At home, I thought that I would have to carry everything in as H just got out of car after snapping at S but he came around and took stuff from me. Put dogs out, I cleaned myself up, H snapped at S about garbage needing to go out. We sat outside and smoked. I apologized about having to come home. H said no problem, why did it happen? I told him it has been happening this week, part of whatever is causing all of my pain. I think gallstones again, which could be really bad as I have no gallbladder (yes you can still get stones), which is also why they were looking so closly at my liver. I just don't know much yet, but this is similar to what happened then. H finished his cigarette and told me he was going to lay down. He was so sad. Said goodnight to both S and me. S noticed and said he said goodnight to you again. (For weeks he said nothing of the sort to me and has started in the last 2). S and I talked for a few minutes about H, crankiness etc... This morning I woke while H was getting ready for work. I wasn't expecting him to speak to me, but he did. The monitor on the computer really is small. Working to 5 or 6 but probably won't go to karate tonight because then only 4 hours of sleep. Fell asleep around 10:30 last night. I asked him, no lunch and he said he would get something.
So just watching and loving him as much as I can. I know he has been surprised by me this weekend. Sunday I made breakfast (I used to every Sunday) He was actually surprised that I made breakfast for him. Yes I admit, that i have stopped doing a lot for him, but I am getting back to me and there is no reason to not include him. I think he thought I would be gone by now. H admits that from almost day one of our R he has waited for me to leave. I admit that after bomb and before, I really did think about leaving but that is not what I want to do. I know I may not win this battle but I have to see it through. I love my H more than life although many times I felt like I was just talking myself into it. For a very long time I was afraid he would leave, but now I'm not. So the road continues........
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
