I think I may belong here.

[Dawn of Hope]

Kelaaron,
You're reading my sitch? Probably have to do it in stages, I ramble so much! I hope it helps you a bit! You know what "they" say...at worst, you can be a bad example!

Midwestern Girl, Glamgirl, and I were all saying a few days ago how much we are all homebodies, so you aren't alone! Have you found Flylady ( http://www.flylady.net )? I swear by her (well, practically!). Her methods have made a huge difference not just in my house, but in my life!

ADs can take up to six weeks or so to fully kick in, and some will work better for you than others (no way to know but trial and error, unfortunately). Be aware that if you start missing doses, you can go downhill MUCH faster than you crawled up it, so make sure you keep up with those refills and dosages!! And be honest with your Dr. about how you are doing. Don't sugarcoat how you feel just because you think it's going to be too much trouble to switch, or whatever. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right med for you (and sometimes they inexplicably stop working for you, but that's an issue for another day). I was off the ADs for 3 years but I wish I had stayed on, even though I really don't like the idea of having to take drugs. To paraphrase, "I've been rock-bottom miserable, and I've been capable of happiness (with pharmaceutical help)." Capable of happiness is better. Gee, that just doesn't flow as well as the original, does it?

I went back on ADs 2 days after the bomb, but the first med we tried didn't work for me at all, so it was almost 3 months post-bomb before I got some relief. After the bomb, but before my ADs kicked in I was crying for *hours* every day, screaming in the car, wanting desperately to hurt myself, or kill myself or him or OW. Now, on fully-functioning ADs, I rarely cry unless I fail to refill my meds promptly--2 days without my drugs and I start getting weepy, at which point I RUN to the pharmacy and try to breathe through it until my blood levels get balanced out (if you don't let it go very long, it doesn't take long to get back on track). There is no doubt in my mind that I would not be alive today if I hadn't gotten help. I was at the absolute end of my rope.

It is hard having him at home, but I am sure it's hard having them leave too. He's like a roommate who doesn't like me very much. You have to spend a lot more time biting your tongue when they are still at home, I believe. Fortunately for me, I have a fair amount of self-control.

One thing I will mention, though--in the beginning, I was "faking it" but I wasn't "making it" as far as putting on the happy face for him. I did my best, but it's hard to hide your misery from the person who knows you best. Now I am no longer faking it (95% of the time, anyway). I am myself...just a better version of myself than I was before, but it's real now, and not just a mask. But it took a lot of time, a lot of talking with kindred souls and journaling, and a lot of drugs to get me to this point. But being in this much better position emotionally was worth having to take those things for.

Oh, and exercise helps with the depression too! I don't know where you live, but if you are somewhere where the weather is pretty good, being outside helps!

I hope all of this has helped shine a light onto your path. That was my intent, anyway. Take care of yourself, and remember, YOU come before H, and to a certain extent before S, although he would be next on the list. Try to find something that gives you those moments of lifted spirits, however brief.

Blessings and peace,
Dawn