Puppy, All good points. Unfortunately no easy answers. Alot of this is going with your gut and for some intuition and gut is driven by one's own personal desires. Things can seem right because you want it so badly.
BC, Follow puppy's advice as closely as you can. If you get confused or don't know what to do, try NOT to do more then just be a "kind, but distant friend" instead of driving back into the whole situation. Emotionally protect yourself for now... hope that makes sense...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
yes, we all know I suffer from over-pursuancitis. a lot of people here just met their spouse and got married right away, or dated for several years and then got married; I knew my wife for years, always wanted to marry her, and as soon as we got together, we got married. a little bit of both, with some extra thrown in. I regret rushing into things, without a doubt. but I married for the right reasons; I adore her and always wanted to be with her. all these reasons have made the past 4 months (today is 4 months to the day that I found out about the PA/EA and moved out) really hard, and said reasons are why I am so eager to jump back into the pool of sharks. its tough.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
It's hard to know what to do here. Were it me, I would struggle the same as you not to just jump back in. My thoughts:
1) If she's vacillating at all (ie one day wanting to be with you and the next saying she'll let you know if she wants to), then I wouldn't commit to working on the marriage again. She will not make the effort this marriage deserves until she's worried she's losing you.
2) If she's been sincere, apologetic, and has been chasing you, then I'd date her. I know a person needs to be wary of her intentions, but what more can she do to you? Can you survive if she isn't actually committed to the marriage? If not, then you need to get there before trying with her. If she cheated again, could you kick her to the curb? If not, then you aren't ready. It's only when you don't need her that your in the place where you can chance this again.
3) Do you know your own worth? Does she know your worth? It really rubs the wrong way to be second choice/fall back plan. But sometimes you really do need to swallow your pride. It happened....and she could never come back without it looking like you were the second choice. But, again, if you know your own worth, you know you aren't second fiddle to anyone and won't tolerate being that.
4) If she really wants to work on the marriage, I would lay everything on the table...if she strays, she's gone; you aren't second fiddle to anyone, if you are just her security blanket she shouldn't come back; you are interested in a fulfilling, happy marriage, if she isn't willing to work towards that, then don't come back. You can make the rules, but only if you are truly willing to live without her if she's not in it. That's why starting at dating may be the better plan. See if there is a foundation to build on.
That seemed rambling to me. Hopefully some of that made sense. I know she has a lot to prove, but she can't prove anything if you don't give her a chance to. You be the guy she would be crazy to not want...and if she doesn't want you, then you haven't lost anything.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
She needs to earn my trust back for anything to happen really.
And how do you see that happening? Have you laid the groundwork for what needs to happen? I think either of you staying in limbo is not the ideal situation. Try to rebuild the relationship slowly.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
and would kick her to the street if she cheated again.
I don't believe that one for a minute. I believe that's your intention and you'd like to think you would. But I don't believe you would. I know this because I used to think it too. And until you are faced with something, you really don't know what you will do or what you'd put up with. I'm sure you originally believed you'd NEVER put up with cheating in the first place. None of us know what we'd do until we actually are faced with the situation.
I personally believe it's best for you to stay with her and raise your own child no matter how bad you eventually feel about the realtionship and how many times she cheats.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
umm root did I read that last paragraph right ? Did you type it right ? You want me to stay with her no matter how many times she cheats or how awful it gets ?
That's either extreme sarcasm or ...... Extreme sarcasm.
Why do you think it's 'best' for me to stay ?
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Because you will lose your son if you leave. And statistically speaking, chances are his life won't be a great one.
I don't care what's "best" for you. You decided to marry this person and you had a child with her. That was the choice you made. I care what's best for your kid. And he has no choice. I think if he did he would choose to have a caring father with him, rather then a series of "dads," and the statistical chance one may be a child molestor. There are men that look for women like your wife (needy and desperate) for that reason.
And then when your child is 17 (and you've had all those great years with him to watch him grow, and be there every night with him helping with homework, volunteering to help with his sports teams and being the one person he knows he can count on forever), then file for D and kick her to the street.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
her birthday was sunday and he didn't even bother to call or text her happy birthday. I guess figured the "present" he gave her was enough.
anywho,
thanks for listening to me complain/vent/cry for the past 4 months....its far from over, I know, but just saying thanks and hope everyone is doing ok ?
BC
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
