Hi again everyone. I just wanted to thank you all for all your support. I'm not really able to get online during the day and tongiht when I saw all the responses, I was so overwhelmed. I really feel great having such unconditional support!
Everyone tells me to find new things for myself, my kids, etc... go out, date, etc.. They say things like that will make me feel better. And honestly, I really have! You would not believe what I have done to turn my life around. My life is totally different now. When I got D'd 5 years ago, I took up cycling. I was really into it-- did a city race almost every two months for the first year, then "slacked" off the 2nd year because I also took up Tae Kwon Do. Now, 4 years later, I am about to get my Black Belt next month. Both my son and my daughter also take TKD and my son will be getting his Black Belt next Spring. Daughter still has a way to go cuz she was not old enough to start at the time Son and I started. And, son also cycles with me too on occasion when he has time. And believe me he will pass me up soon, i tell you! We've done a few races together too and he has done some kid races. Everyone in our TKD studio knows our family so well and in fact, that is where my new family of friends are from. They are my closest friends. How's that for "trying something new"? I think I've done good there personally!
And as far as the dating scene.... I've been dating this guy for 3 years which i would categorize as "seriously casual". My kids love hiim and he loves my kids too but he has not once spent the night here when they have been here. He used to live very close by but now he has moved about 50 miles away. He is a wonderful guy and I could see myself with him but he's got his own commitment issues. I have my issues too. One is I hate all the hostilities with the X and just can't seem to fully give my all to the new guy. I think I've done ok here.
And after not working for approx 6 years, I did start working again. That was totally scary- thinking I'd have to start at the bottom again- which I did for awhile, but now I have it worked out where I make my own schedule and still get paid decent money. I can set my own schedule according to when I have to pick up the kids, etc... That took some sweat, but i paid my dues and now I feel comfortable. I've done ok here too.
And when I don't have the kids, I like to be by myself. I will workout like crazy when they are not around, get housework done, get organized, go shop for little necessities for them, and most of all SLEEP!!! I'll also go out with my guy when our schedules allow (We have really different and conflicting work schedules.)
I know that I have issues and I know what i do wrong and I'm trying to love myself still regardless. I also think that I need to accept myself and my situation which most of the time I think I do, but if I'm feeling like this, perhaps I am not?? Who knows???
So, on the outside it looks like I've done ok, but on the inside I'm still in the same place.
But honestly, after tonight, after the yuckiness has come out, I do feel better. I feel relieved.
