Today was the icing on the cake. what i mean by that is that it just couldn't get any worse.
I think I now know why I'm in this rut again. I am scared. A few weeks ago, I went to the Dept of Child Support Services and filed a case against the ex. He has not paid CS for 2 months and for the past 6+ months, he's only paying about 2/3. I was letting him slide understanding the economic situation of the country when he did not pay in full, but then all of a sudden he stopped paying without any type of explanation. The kind side of me felt sorry for him- honestly I did feel bad and another honest feeling I had was that I was scared to do anything about it. Then another month goes by and same thing- zero. Now I'm feeling like a pushover and still scared. Then I started thinking clearly and realized how stupid I am to let him get away with that. Of course, I tell no one about this. For 2 months, I just sat and waited like a sad little puppy dog. Too scared to ask him for it and too scared to do anything but thank goodness I still kept in touch with this one great gal in my previous divorce therapy group and she told me all about the free services. So I mustered up the courage to go and file a case against him and now until the kids turn 18, the Dept of CS Services will be the ones who collect from him and in return make payments to me. It was a real scary thing to do let me tell you. I didn't tell a sole what was going on until after i did it when i just felt this overwhelming relief that I can not explain. Then I was able to tell a close friend of mine who i sometimes confide in regarding all the drama with X. And she gave me this look like, "Duh! of course he has to pay! He can't just NOT pay! That's why they have laws like they do! Don't feel bad!" And after that I knew what I did was right--though I do question it because I know all hell will break loose which it did tonight.
That's what I mean by the icing on the cake. Tongiht I went to pick up the kids from him and he came storming out the door. Basically we shouted at each other a good 5-7 minutes, of course it's infront of the kids. He obviously had no qualms coming out to confront me. And his parents are there too. We even got to a point where some neighbors started shouting at us out the window. Anyway, so it was just awful. I really should've kept my mouth shut but my goodness it felt good to get it out and scream at him. Everytime since the D, there has only been a few times where I've screamed at him, because I don't want the kids to see us like that. We were just totally in each other's faces and I just didn't want to back down. It was awful for the kids, I tell you, and afterwards we talked about it. My son asked me how come i just didn't ignore him and walk away. I said, you know son, that was something that I could've done. Maybe it would've been better if I did that because it's not good for you and your sister to see it. But a lot of times your father always thinks that he's so strong and powerful because he yells and says all these bad things about me to you guys when I'm not there. Well, I just want you guys to know that i am not afraid of him. Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. And then the kids both told me that sometimes they're afraid of him too. I said, I know and it's ok. One day, I think you guys will be able to say something back to him if you really feel it's important. Just like today, I felt it was important that he could not just think that he can come and yell and scream at me like that...
So anyway, it was just awful. Just plain awful. So the cat is out of the bag. I had been wondering if he had heard anything- obviously he did.
But I still do question myself--- I don't know if I did the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Why am I so scared?
And now, it's going to get even uglier because once the spark is lit, the whole thing goes up in flame. This is what i'm afraid of.
I think this is why i started posting again. I've been quiet and scared for too long. Atleast now i'm vocal and scared. Maybe I'm making progress? Maybe I've found an out in one of the endless circles I keep going in....
