Hey, friends! THANK YOU for reading through that monster!
It did have a lot of things in it, didn't it?
I spoke with the IC today...the letter won't go anywhere else. I had been thinking about it, hoping to leave it with either her or the kids' IC, asking him to read it with them. She reminded me - He. Won't. Hear. It. Someday he may seek out counseling on his own, but I will never be privy to it. Given the past circumstances, she thinks he would just use anything in it against me. "Poor Donna, still not over me, still desperate. I must be SO amazingly special to have her still pining for me."
When he "softened" and ask for the 07 taxes last week, I saw an opening to manipulate him to hear me. Same pattern, different motivation (the kids). Nothing consciously, but probably what it was. And he has shown over and over that he will not hear it, even from his own parents, friends, family...he certainly won't hear ANYthing from me, no matter what the motivation.
We talked about what I can do to help my kids. I can be there for them. I can make sure that I don't put them in the middle. I can let them love him, and just be an ear if they want to talk to me. I can not fix this for them, as much as I have wanted to. He is free to choose to live with as many floozies as he wants, changing them up every week if that's his thing - as long as there is no abuse, I can't do anything to influence the situation over there.
We also talked about what I am going to do about the hatred I hold for that woman. We haven't talked about it much, and she said we can definitely work on that.
Looking back at the marriage, I made concessions that I chose to live with, things that affected me. I am having a much harder time accepting concessions that affect my kids...
It is hard to know that his decisions, which affect the kids, are none of my business. But its the truth.
It is hard to turn off the caring button, but it would only be seen as meddling, controlling. So, at least I was able to take another step - I "felt the (non-existent) opening," reacted with a reach-out attempt, BUT, I was able to keep it to myself and share it only in safe places (here, IC), instead of trying with him or through other people to get to him (well, my IC wouldn't participate, so that helped!). No phone call, no sending the letter, no showing up, trying to get him to talk to me. A small step forward...
