Why isn't it any better?

[Briget]

Eyeslax,

There is no tometable for when the pain ends.But the pain should have eased by now.I have been at this five years myself.When the bomb first hit I was crushed beyond reason.I was so broken.

By the time I found the board I was so G-damn angry.I lashed out.Maybe I could have saved my marriage if I had found the board before I started lashing out.Who know.But by then my ex's affair was in full bloom and the damage I did with my anger sealed the coffin.Ex left me and our children.We have not seem him in almost five years.

At first it was hard.I couldn't funtion.I had never been on my own.I was scared.But I had to do it.I have five children.At the time four of them were teenagers.I have three sons and two daughters.My children were hurting.I was hurting.My children were so angry they took it out on the one person who was there.Me.At first I was reactive.If they acted out I yelled.They acted out more.I yelled more.......... On and on that went for a long time.

I finally had a friend pull me aside and tell me the truth.She told me I did not have that right.I didn't have the right to yell at them.They were hurting and I was hurting them back.My yelling at them put wounds on them that took a long time to heal.That was not fair of me.

But finally I stopped the yelling.It wasn't easy.It had become a habit to yell all the time.But when I did my children started to behave better.I now have a wonderful relationship with my children.They are all adults now except for one.

For a while I distracted myself to avoid the pain.I'm a poolplayer and I was going out three four nights a week.But that didn't work.The pain was still there.It wasn't until I learned to love myself that the pain started to heal.I learned to love the person I am by spending time with myself.

I have a large family and friends.When I needed to take some time to think I would call one of them to come and get my kids for the night.Sometimes for a weekend.

I would go get myself a nice dinner.I would read,I took long walks.I learned to be still with myself so that I could learn who I was.

Do you have a support system so that you can take a break?

I agree that maybe you are depressed.I could be wrong.But being a mother is hard work when you have a partner.It's even harder when you have to be both mother and father.Maybe you need to talk to your Dr. Or find a new IC.

But I will tell you that it will get better.But you have to learn to love yourself.

I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.

Later Friend
Briget