I just got off the phone with H. Doing that exact same thing...banging on the rock...the rock says absolutely nothing. It doesn't move, it doesn't feel, nothing. I wish that it would just go away. Get out of my life and let me get on with mine.
The hardest part for me is H makeing it all my fault. Making me feel like I am such a pain in his ars. I have felt this way all of my life and I am so tired of it.
It wasn't my fault that my Mom got pregnant with me and had to marry my Dad. And then led a miserable life married to a drunk. It's not my fault that H life didn't go the way he planned. It's not my fault that he stepped out on me with OW the first time and had to live with that guilt all these years. It's not my fault that he made that mistake again and now his life is a mess. It's not my fault that leaving me didn't bring him happiness. It's not my fault that H's family wont' accept OW or that H can't bring himself to be with her in public. It's not my fault...and I'm so tired of feeling that it is...
Sorry BM, I think I hit a nerve and kind of had a revelation...
I pray that we can get to where we need to be to heal. I believe we will it's just not WHEN we want it.
Take care, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
