Not so perverse, it is how I feel. I hope you and everyone else is right about me starting this early enough that it may save my marriage. I have 29 years married, 31 together. And my biggest problems are the same, looking at all the great times, not these bad ones she keeps talking about, but it is her justification of why she walked. why she is seeking this emotional boost elsewhere, it is not as she makes it out to be. that is the part that keeps me awake at night. I can't sleep. i try to see really bad times, other than our drinking dramas, our life was real good. The last two years were hard, but on both sides. So the inconsistent behavior is really killing me. She has been told I won't wait around forever, she says she knows, and like you, I believe she doesn't want to let go, but feels she needs to do this, or some part of her does. It is sad in a way. that she won't see real happiness in her life until she pains and causes pain like she has never known. When the end of the day at disneyland ends, she will get handed the bill, it will blow her mind, she will have real pain, like mine, like yours, and she will know abandonment, she will know being on her hands and knees wondering what to do to make it right. I wish I had a time frame on it, I really do. I have been told anywhere from 3 months to 2 years.
Like my best friend told me, one night you'll be grocery shopping and bam, right out of the blue, you'll crash into someone and your eyes will connect and there will be sparks. Because, as he says, you deserve everyting because you give everything. With any luck she will be pushing the other carriage. I ain't looking any further than my backyard, I know where I want to be, i see it, I envision it, but I ain't her. That's the reality that hits me like 480 v out of a transformer. Makes you shake, wakes you up, and helps you see what you need to do so you don't get hit again. I am taking a down night tonight. Didn't want to, but I am. Feels right. everything is a hundred miles an hour in my life right now. I need to get off the freeway and chill.
I look around me, all I have and say how could she not want this, but in her mind its stress, bills, cleaning, getting after me to fix things, take care of this take care of that, lets go to the ranch, lets do this...Take the beer gogles off, take a real hard look, and it ain't so bad, really. It just takes time to get everything right, to get everything together, to get everything in perspective. Just like my marriage. I can't fix it, but I'll guarantee you this, whoever ends up with me at the end of the day is gonna say wow, you really take care of things don't you? I may have been in a fog for a while, but I'm back. Maybe she's in the same fog and when she crashes, she'll be back. I have all of you here in my webworld. My friends are right alongside me. they don't want me to go out looking for love, they just want me to know that its out there and its coming my way....Again God Bless you, me and you definitely on the same road, I just pray that I do all the things you have told me to do, and venture away from what I shouldn't so that I avoid you current situation. Have agreat night. I'll talk to you soon.
