God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

an2m right and wrong,

right I have thought of H in everything I've said/done/ or didn't say/do and how he would react...very guilty as charged. BUT I also have led myself to believe that it also was what was best for ME and my D's. Now I am thinking that I've steered myself in the wrong direction. That I have done all this for nothing. That it's all been for nothing.

The changes in me are good. I am happy about them and I will carry them with me forward. It recently has just led me to feel more discouraged about R with my H because I've become more and more convinced that the problems with our M are with H not with me. At least I can sleep at night knowing that I am living my life honestly and doing the right things. H isn't sleeping much at all...hmmm...

MWG, that is what I have been doing for 1yr 6mns. Any other way is not possible. I don't know what's going to happen the next hour let alone the next day. But in doing so I feel like I am letting important things fall away to the wayside and one day they are going to jump up and bite me in the ars! Like getting the main bills paid and we wont' talk about all of the Dr bills not gettting touched. And then there is the legal fees. And come Oct 23 they may as well just throw me in jail because there is NO money to pay that fine and restitution. There just isn't.

I keep telling myself not to worry about it so much. That God will take care of us and it will all work out in the end. But I really don't know that. And the deeper this gets the more scared I am becoming.

Talked to H this morning. I didn't say a word about the bills. He is sick, hope he has the OW flu. He told me no yesterday that N14 could come to his house after work till getting picked up. His excuse was that he'd have to stay up an extra 1/2 hour. Huh??? First time for that. I just said whatever, I'll take care of it. I was pleasant with him this morning. Today she has a VB game. He said he wasn't going cuz he's sick. Whatever...