Why would anyone forgive infidelity?

[Molly44]

The world is not just black and white. Right and wrong.

We are human and errors of judgments and morals happen every minute of every day.

Your cousin had his role in the infidelity - like it or not. Not one single person on this site is blameless for their situation. No one sets out to turn the worlds of our families and friends upside down for pleasure.

Something triggers the chain of events and even if your cousin thought he was the best H in the world - he was not meeting his W needs. To have an affair is definitely not the answer but to me it was a final cry for help.

You can stand up for yourself, by digging to see what went wrong , correcting , improving yourself and not accepting anything but
the best in your future relationship. Your cousins first priority is to his children and to minimize damage and see what can be salvaged. An A does not have to mean the end of a marriage. It can mean the beginning of a better more healthier one.

[ford]

I think if you have kids, you owe it to them to give it a shot.

I think it's important that during the healing process, you keep your standards high. it's too easy when you're hurting to start accepting treatment and behaviors that you never would have before.

remember, the kids are watching and learning from you.

[TnGuy]

Thanks for your post, yoyowife. I'm just so unutterably furious that none of my family seems to give a d**n about their blood relative (my cousin) or care about taking the cheater to task for her behavior. And I have been through this situation before, not with my wife, but in a long, committed relationship. She came to me, admitted it, said it only happened once. She was said about her dad dying earlier that year, I was working a lot, the guy seemed to be a good listener. She found out later he was well known for pouncing on vulnerable women. She said please, we've been together 2 1/2yrs, she loves me, let's go to counseling. I told her to shove our 2 1/2 yrs up her hind end (I used a different word) and I didn't want someone I couldn't trust. That was 13 yrs ago. I don't know what's happened to her as she moved away weeks after I kicked her out. Back north somewhere, I think, with her mom's family. I couldn't care less and I pity whatever poor guy ends up with her. Maybe she wouldn't do it again, but if you've done something once, it's becomes easier to repeat the behavior. Anyway, I included that because I wanted everyone to know that I DO know what I'd do because it HAS happened to me.

[whatdidido]

What would you do if your child did something awful? Would you love them any less? WOuld you cut them from your life? When married, you have committed yourself to someone just as your own flesh and blood......to give up on them isn't an option in some ways......

[TnGuy]

I noticed 2 posts popped up while I was finishing my last one. I'll be brief.

1)My cousin doesn't have kids, thank God! And I think that "staying together for the kids" is a cop-out.

2)The idea that my cousin was in any way responsible for his wife's behavior is just plain wrong. SHE cheated. HE didn't. Doesn't anyone believe in personal responsibility anymore?

[DanceQueen]

TnGuy....you have found a website with a specific section that focuses upon saving marriages after an affair. Therefore, at this particular site, you are only reading about people who are struggling trying to mend their relationships after infidelity.

However, if you wanted to, you could probably do a search and find a website full of people whose common theme is "I kicked his/her cheating a** out the door the moment I found out...lets all rally together and talk about what a**holes our cheating spouses are!"

So what I am getting at is that there are plenty of people who feel the same way you do and who would never forgive infidelity.

It was interesting to read that you had been cheated on and dumped her butt the moment she told you about it. So you do have some experience with this. However, a 2.5 year girlfriend is not the same as the mother of your children who you've been married to for 10-20 years, as is the case with many on this forum. There truly is no comparison to what you've experienced and what many here have experienced.

I myself cheated during my marriage. I admitted it to my husband, expecting him to leave me. He didn't leave me, we tried to work through it. 12 years later, we still hadn't worked through the issues which caused the infidelity to begin with and we finally divorced after 17 years total.

You could say that me cheating was a choice I made and had nothing to do with our marital issues. And you have every right to view it that way if you choose. But my husband and I knew better, and unfortunately, we never got the outside professional help we needed to be able to really "fix" things.

Now I am in a new relationship and am madly in love. I have no intention or desire to even look in another direction. My heart, body, and mind belong entirely to him...which does not mean we don't have our issues, we really do. But I do finally now have the emotional maturity necessary to be 100% faithful, regardless of other relationship issues. I finally learned all those lessons and moved past them.

However in my current relationship, if he cheated on me it would be over. I know that seems totally crazy coming from someone who has cheated, and I also know I may feel differently if it actually happened (as many people here are saying...they said it would be over too, until it happened to them). But the way I feel right now, given all that I have been through and learned is this: I could forgive him for the act. I could understand how it happens. I could be his friend again eventually. But I could never touch him again. And being that touch and sex are very important in our relationship, it would be over without touching and sex.

Some people have an easier time with this than others (not that it is easy for ANYONE...it is not). But some people can really put things in perspective when it comes to the touching part. Others can't.

As I said in the beginning, you can go find thousands of people who agree with you 100%. This forum is not going to be that place.

I actually do agree with you partially...in that I could not stay with him. But I disagree with you about the fact that it would automatically mean he is a despicable creature who deserves no forgiveness.

In my heart I know that we are all forgiveable, loveable, and good inside. Things happen which cause us to act in ways that are sometimes not loveable, not good, and not forgivable.

But being that none of us may judge the other, I think it would help you to drop your sword against your cousin's wife.

There is logic in what you are saying...that loyalty to your cousin is what is driving your feelings. However, from the outside, it sounds more like hate and spite for your ex-girlfriend that cheated on you, than loyalty to your cousin, that is driving your feelings.

DQ

[kat727]

Boy you are one angry man. This isn't your choice to make. This is your cousins and if you had any sense you would support whatever his decision is, period.

I didn't save my marriage. My ex is still with the skank but I see the damage that he has done to his relationship with my kids. I accept my share of the blame for the problems that led to the affair. I do NOT accept any responsibility for the poor choice he made in having one. We were together for 21 years, married for 19 with 4 great kids together. If you don't think that is worth a second look or the effort of a second chance, I feel sorry for you.

kat

[Little Engine]

TnGuy--You are very strong in your opinion and that is great. I wasn't offended by your post at all. I always enjoy a sprited discussion.

That you were cheated on by a GF and you're sharing it here shows that you know the pain of betrayal. You don't care what happened to GF, but you do still care about the pain it caused you and that was 13 years ago! You can empathize with your cousin because you still feel the pain of finding out that you were cheated on. It sucks! I know it too. My LTR with a HS sweetheart ended with her revealing she had met someone else and she no longer had feelings for me. I still think about that and it happened twenty years ago.

My W has had three A's and for awhile I had hoped we could work it out. I realized in the last two weeks that ain't gonna happen. But when you get comments from your crying six year old daughter like "Daddy, I think Mommy wants (OM's name) to replace you." It makes it mighty easy to want to overlook the indiscretion of your W for the good of your kids. My S and D want nothing more than for W and I to reconcile. Unless there has been abuse, I don't think any kid wants his parents to get D'd.

When family gets involved in a marital dispute, they only get the side of the story that is painted with their loved one's brush, not that of the in-law that came into the family through M. It is no surprise that everyone wants the guilty spouse branded with a scarlet A and banished from the family. After all that person has caused their loved one pain, and they don't want to see their family member suffer. If family members say things like, "Oh she is such a slut, you deserve better." That doesn't help, because the betrayed spouse still has feelings for this person. Now that person is left feeling worse! "I still love her, but my family thinks she is a slut!"

IMO, it is easy to see it as black and white from the sidelines, but unless you are completly heartless, when you are the one affected, your emotions will fly in the face of logic.

Before I had kids, I never paid much attention to any news story that had to do with a kid getting killed. After I had kids, every story I hear now about some child getting murdered or killed in some other fashion weighs on me. Because my first thought is what the parents are going through, and the second is about what if it were my kid?

I think you'll be hard pressed to find anyone here who thinks cheating is OK. But you will find plenty of people here who understand why cheating happens and how forgiveness is essential. Whether it is to heal the relationship or to allow the betrayed spouse to move forward.

The simple answer is: There is no simple answer.

[saffie]

TnGuy,

You say it has happened to you.....but in an post in Newcomers you say that your W would never betray you. So my question is how did it happen to you....especially if you were virgins when you married and your W has never betrayed you?

If you are referring to the situation with your cousin then I disagree with you that it has happened to you. It's just not the same. Perhaps your family are being extremely wise by not getting involved and you should listen. I have seen time and time again when a third party to a R gets involved and is full of righteous indignation for the BS....only for them to find the couple where the infidelity took place remain together and the third party, (who they thought were offering support), got left out in the cold.

[Little Engine]

Saffie--TnGuy had a long term relationship that ended in infidelity.

TnGuy--Copy your post in "Newcomers" thread to a separate thread of your own in the "SSM" forum. You will probably get more replies specific to your problem there.