Just like the title of the thread: Why would anyone forgive infidelity? I'd like to hear all the different reasons. I'm interested because this happened to someone in my extended family and everybody's all about sweeping it under the rug,don't say a word, it never happened. And the spouse who was cheated on is a cousin of mine that I have long treated like a brother, so I'm just mildly p*ss*d that his parents, mine, the whole lot don't stongly take his side and tell this woman we welcomed into our family to shove off. And when I've tried to talk to him about it, he says he appreciates my loyalty but he's "dealing with it." What kind of limp-wristed passive crap is that? Ugh, I'm so mad. I know without doubt that if my wife ever did what his did, we'd be front page news the next morning. And it goes the other way; no woman should put up even ONCE with a cheating husband. Why doesn't anyone refuse to take abuse anymore?
I really can't say more than what BC said. I used to think the same way as you, TN. It is hard to fathom until you have been through it. Unconditional love, commitment, forgiveness, patience, understanding,......
You don't know how you will react until it happens to you.
I always thought I would be like you TnGuy, but when it happened I realised just what I AND my children would lose if I walked off. I loved my H and I knew that my behaviour had contributed to what he did. Life isn't black & white.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I thought the same thing but when it happens and you still love your spouse....throw in kids....then it all changes. My first wife cheated I took her back, recovered, had another kid and she did it again. Does that make me weak...maybe but I wanted a intact family not a divorced one that I had. I wanted 100% time with my kids not every other weekends. In my case we both were in the military and whoever didn't get primary custody would only see the kids 30 days out of the year...unless we were both based at the same base or state. We divorced anyways but when she was at her final base before retirement.
Thanks for the quick attention. But some of my questions remain unanswered (at least fully).
1) To Saffie: Please don't blame yourself for what your spouse did. It was his choice to cheat. You can't make anyone cheat. And please explain how you can still love someone who betrays you? I just don't comprehend.
2)To PuppyDogTails: I assume from your post that your're a Christian. If not, I apologize. If you are, isn't it true that no less an authority than Jesus himself said divorce was permitted for marital unfaithfulness?
3)To Little Engine: I realize that the tone of the line you quoted was harsh. If it offended you, I apologize. That was me venting. But let me ask, isn't forgiving someone without demanding that they change just an invitation to more unfaithfulness? One thing my father taught me was that if you let people take advantage of you, you are in for a crappy life. I guarantee that no one will get away with that crap with me,ever, no matter what it costs me. Self-respect is absolutely vital. If you don't respect yourself enough to refuse to tolerate betrayal, you can't ever expect someone else to love you, because you must first respect someone to love them. No one loves a doormat. Pities them, maybe, but not loves.
Thanks, everyone. Please keep the reasons coming. And if I vent now and again, I'm sorry. I'd also like to hear from people closer to my viewpoint, if there are any. I just find it almost impossible to believe that there aren't more people who believe that the first priority of a betrayed spouse should be standing up for themselves.
I'd like to add my $.02. Until this awful experience happens to you it's easy to say what you would do. I'll be honest I was one of those who always thought if it happened to me I would leave him and not look back. I often said too, that I didn't understand why the betrayed spouse hates the OP so much. It was the WAS that had the commitment to you, not the OP.
Oh, how everything changed when I actually experienced the pain of betrayal. It is like a death. Actually, sometimes I wonder if it isn't harder than death. My mother died and it hurt like no pain I had ever felt until this happened. I knew my mother did not choose to leave me but my husband did.
With infidelity you go through various stages, disbelief, denial, self-blame, pain, grief, anger, etc. I was so upset with my H, but I was more upset with the OW. I wanted to blame her for everything. Why? Because I loved him and couldn't believe the man I had been with for over 20 years and had raised a family with could do this to me. I still have a strong dislike for the OW. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that. You not only are losing the love of your life, you are also losing your security. It rips your family apart as well causes problems with the extended family and friends.
I wish it was as simple as getting angry and getting even, but it's not. Until you experience it you just don't know what you will do. I've seen so many people try to work on their marriage after a betryal. I never understood it then, but sadly, I do now.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
