I talked w/ my therapist today and the not looking at her thing was basically hurt on my part. I didn't look at her on Monday in court and I didn't look her in the face on Thursday when we were at the DMV switching titles. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. We decided today it is left over hurt from this whole thing, and I'm guessing a little bit of anger as well.
I'll be over it soon enough and maybe she'll actually find a time when she realizes I'm not her whipping boy anymore and we can be civil and cooperative about raising our D. I'm not sure she'll ever get there, but I'll be willing to work w/ her if she ever does.
What I won't continue to do is allow her to treat me like crap. I'm working on my boundaries and I only wish I'd had discovered how to create them earlier. Hindsight is 20/20.
OK, I'm at page 16, so I'm not sure if this will shut down or not. If so, I'll be back here for my next post, but I'm wondering if I should be joining Kerry and the gang in Surviving soon? Any thoughts? The reason I think I need to move is I'm divorced, but now, w/ XW who shows ZERO remorse and ZERO effort to change herself, I'm now DONE.
Phoenixdeux - I'm glad I'm on the right track.
Nut - thank you too for the affirmation. I also am curious to see if she'll start chasing me, but not b/c I want to be caught. I'm just curious.
Kalni, my darling. I'm sorry you were frustrated w/ me, but when the heart is still over-ruling the head, you can make a lot of stubborn decisions. I was beating my head against a brick wall and I finally realized I was bleeding and the wall hadn't moved an inch. Thus, it was time to stop the nonsense.
As for your sitch, Sunshine, I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'll be lurking and keeping an eye on you, my friend.
First I sent XW an e-mail about considering not splitting up the dogs, correcting the schedule she'd put together b/c it did not give me D every Thursday as our divorce papers state (XW clearly was hoping I'd not mention it so she could avoid my having D for four days in a row every other week), and discussing setting up an appointment w/ the pension attorney.
W wrote back about the dogs and was testy and also asked about coming to the house to inventory our joint assets that have yet to be divided between us. We exchanged a few e-mails then I took D back to XW.
I dropped off D and went to my bi-weekly therapy appointment and when I called later to talk w/ D, XW dominated the conversation and talked about D's difficulty w/ our divorce. "She's having a really hard time w/ this right now and she wasn't this way until you told her a judge had been involved. Since then, she's really struggled w/ this and has been talking a lot to me about it."
So, XW is blaming me for D having difficulty. Go figure. I stood up for myself w/out getting angry and told XW that I had consulted therapists who guided me to this age-appropriate message. XW's response was "she was fine when she didn't know what was going on and now that she does, she's really struggling w/ it."
Ok, on Sunday, D told me that XW and her new boyfriend kiss sometimes and she was afraid to let me know b/c she thought I'd be mad at "mommy." D also told me that BF and his dog often have "sleep-overs" at their apartment. This is what is confusing D, NOT my telling her about a judge deciding where she'd live. XW is buried in denial about how her actions are affecting our daughter.
I'm very saddened by this, but I'm hamstrung. I can only work w/ D when I talk w/ her on the phone or see her during our time together. When she opened up to me on Sunday, I invited her to talk about how she felt about this and she said she was confused. I did relay this to XW tonight as well as the conversation D and I had, but I'm pretty sure it went in one ear and out the other b/c it was about how her actions are impacting D.
Again, it is frustrating, but I'm working to do the best I can from my end. I have no guilt about what I told her as well as my encouraging D to talk w/ me about her feelings this weekend. I even proposed to XW that we get D a counselor so she has a neutral person to talk with and I'm hoping we can do that for D's sake.
If XW won't come to grips w/ the reality of the effect her actions are having on D, then maybe a counselor can help D through her struggles. I do worry about my D and this was the number one thing I was concerned w/ when XW moved out - her parading men in front of D and the impact that will have on our child.
I think I need to directly tell XW that maybe some of D's confusion comes from her relationship w/ BF. I'm not sure it would make a difference however as she's deeply in denial, so she'll never recognize what she's doing until she begins to take some responsibility for her actions. They may be serving ice water in Hell before that happens.
I am sorry you have to watch your xW being careless and having her BF over to sleep in her house with your D present. She is so f@cking self centered!!!
You have no reason to feel guilty about talking to your D and I would agree your talk to xW directly about her actions (only of you can keep cool about it). She should be more careful.
I am glad you are sticking to setting boundaries. It will only do you good. It will probably take some time for her to realise things have changed and she cant be threatening you etc. but if you are consistent she will get it and hopefully cooperate more and leave you alone.
And yes, move to Surviving the big D, the group there is great!! K
Hey Rob, I'm glad to see you are gathering your strength and yet your W continues to paddle around in ever decreasing circles of blame, anger and bitterness. It does beggar belief that she has the cheek to raise with you on the phone your D's dofficulties with the divorce as being down to honest comments you made to her. Which sound like fair enough comments to me, to explain it to her patiently and honestly (as with each year, she will get older and wiser and ask more questions, so better to be honest now right). BUT.. that is NOT the same as subjecting a young child to a revolving door of man (as this is the 2nd since she hoiked her out of your house, isnt it?). Thats totally unnacceptable!!!! It must be frustrating enough for you that she has no moral compass about this, but also, that she keeps deflecting the blame your way. But it doesnt surprise me, she must have had a tonne of blame and resentments in order to force this D, so I guess its more of the same from her, different subject matter.
I think if you maintain your dignity, your integrity and your morals, one day, maybe one day, she will wise up and have some humility over her actions since leaving you. Heres hoping! Thanks for sticking with me, I'm feeling pretty lonely right now, I guess DBing is something to hold onto isnt it, and I know what you mean when you say the heart is slow to catch up with the head.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ok, it is official now. Once this locks up, look for me over in Surviving the Big D. If Sunshine is recommending it, I'm there!
Kalni - Yes XW is incredibly self-centered. I'm not sure if I'm going to waste my breath right now on telling her how inappropriate she is being. It will not sink in unless and until she admits she is wrong and has made mistakes. Until then, it is futile to try anything w/ her. However, I'm going to push for D to begin her own counseling to help her deal w/ the confusion she's seeing from her mother.
I don't have any guilt about the conversations D and I have had. I've been age-appropriate and non-probing each and every time. I don't pry for information and I don't interrogate. That isn't fair for D and it wouldn't be fair for me to try and badmouth her mother. I'm going to do my best to NEVER do that in front of our D. My D will only respect me for it in the long run.
I am working on learning how to set boundaries after 37+ years of not getting the concept. So, it is a process for me, but I am starting to understand it a bit and it is easier and easier the more I do it. I too can hope that boundaries will lead to civility in time, but at worst, XW will learn that she isn't allowed to abuse me any longer. Someone new will need to be her whipping boy. I've discovered my dignity and backbone - About time, right?
Ali - I'm glad to have had the chance to walk w/ you in your journey. I'm sorry it has been so painful for all of us, but look at the growth we've all made. Sadly, we had to have this to learn something, grow better and stronger, and change ourselves for the future.
I too am glad I've "seen the light" and am growing stronger. It was weird, but as soon as Jody led me to see that I've been enabling XW's behavior, it was so easy to draw a line and stop.
I can only pray my D won't be too scarred by XW's ever-changing boyfriends. I know D is disturbed by XW kissing her new BF in front of her, so I'm sure there will be more trauma I can't protect her from. I'll hopefully be able to provide a positive role model for her and let her know that relationships don't have to be that way and that men can be good men and relationships don't have to be disposable.
I'll work on sticking to my guns, morals and integrity and I can hope it will rub off on my D. As for any of it rubbing off on my XW, who knows? That will be completely up to her. However, I do know that my behavior must be consistent so she'll at least understand she can't attack me any longer and I'll no longer listen to her play the blame game w/ me while she escapes all responsibility for her actions.
Sounds like you are getting strong with the boundaries. When she starts going off on you or disrespecting you over the phone, simply say this conversation is over and hangup.
Dont ever expect your xW to admit she is wrong. She may very well live the rest of her life going through multiple relationships which leave her a bit more bitter each time.
Be all you can be for Grace and yourself.
See you soon in the new forum. They expect you to supply lots of booze over there.
I'll be putting my next thread up in surviving and I'm cool w/ bringing drinks.
I'm very realistic to xw never coming around to reality. It is sad and I'll always remain somewhat hopeful, but I need to be accepting of the very, very real possibility that it will never come to pass.